Two months have passed and nothing has progressed so far, I don't realize I have much progress. Just keep doing the four count breathe and trying very hard to become, aware of my breathe - breathing and talking at the same time, but I found out I can both talk and breathe if I really forcing myself to breathe and talk at the same time but when I just talk, I don't quite aware that I am breathing and talking simultaneously.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I am not making any progress and would suffer painfully afterdeath and making my process much much much harder.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry and fear that I am not making progress that I have not noticed any obvious progress and have not change myself into oneness and equality.
Had been masturbating too much, even just using nothing to masturbate. for me it is extremely difficult and almost impossible to get aroused by looking|aiming at darkness or nothing. if I do it when I 'feel' want to masturbate then there is possible that I can finish the masturbation without any pictures, if I you know, suppress it or don't want to finish it too quick or want to prolong the masturbation process to 'enjoy' it longer, then it's likely that I wouldn't able to erect and I would need to use 'picture' a little bit to get it 'started' and continue to finish the masturbation, else I wouldn't be able to complete the masturbation, it is like rubbing for half hour and you still can't erect, quite troublesome. I have been masturbating too frequent that I need to stop for a while let my body rest up|rejuvenate, I got some virus on my hand which I had before and the only way to cure it(I had it before) is to stop masturbation for awhile. I guess they are sexsually trasmitted disease. it's strange I got dreams every night that one of the dream is some children or so teach me how to dissipate the desire to masturbate is drinking lots of water and put a water boot wrapping my hands, and the next night it's a dream that an elegant white cat and when I try to talk to her (english of course) and it reply me, said they were a bit worried when I was tempted to masturbate, the interdimensions should be showing me something.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only define myself as energy as living through masturbation.
I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize it's Life that is living.
I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to live Life and not energy.
There are a lot of things that I have observed from hong kong but basically you can summerized them into a few sentences: totally lost in greed selfish self-interest and only the handful few people standing at the top of the total enslavement pyramids enslaving everyone else below them, it's like money! money! I need more money! don't care! give a damn! I don't care anything! as long as I have money for meat sex desires buy! buy! and buy more! I need more and more and more! I need to climb the enslavement pyramid so I can have more and more money so I can enslave(they use the word 'buy') others to enjoy my life, when I know one of my mother's friend, who has billions billions of dollars but still greed and mean as much as penny like as possible, that totally lost in greed that you wouldn't believe. yet, they are so frighten of sickness and disease like cancers, because then they would ceased to exist (that's what they think) so they do 'fear' stuffs, and the 'funny' thing is she finally got breast cancer three years ago, she has been bribing|pleasing all sorts of professors in USA in hong kong everywhere, thinking she's much much secured|safe than other 'slaves' under the pyramid - which are 'general|normal' peeople in hong kong. yet, she's got it. well, she did change a bit become more 'generous' to us, her 'words' are: you know how billions trillions money that I have, if I don't spend it now who or what do I need them for? so she dines out everyday (I presume) buying as much jewels as possible (until she feels happy again then a few weeks later go buy again). this is typical what people young girls in hong kong are worshiping to become such (her) a life always dreaming of, totally give a fuicking damn concern for one thing and this tiny tinsy one little fuicking thing that creating such a enormous mass of troubles, that they don't care don't see and have totally missed is: Consequences. the consequences of my act (or what I don't act), they don't won't even my mom (she's not buying not because of she care, it's only she doesn't have that amount of money in hand) do I need this(cellphone, cloths, shoes) what are the consequences of my doings(eg. the chicken, the meat that I eat), what is equality(why the fuick or are you insane thinking I am one and equal to the vegetable that I eat or the chicken need to experienced what enormous amount of pain ever since that chicken is born before they become food on the table) I am saying veggie, at this stage we need meat(I prefer white meat since I need much much or even no fruit is needed, I need to eat fruit if I eat red meat) I had tried, I had tried being total veggie only on eggs and vegetables for three years and it didn't work, my skin on the bottom of my feet starting to peel off and I am very frustrated every every day, whenever I went or we went out and dine, whenever I smell meats it's like it's not I 'want' to eat meat, it's like my body is urging me|implying me|teleparthing me to eat some meat. and whenever I did consume even a little shrimp or meat my frustration would went off for a few days(three days at most, man I did switch to veggie for three to [partial]five years). right now I am having two chicken wings each meal, which is more than enough for me to sustain my body. the frustration would be gone I am definitely minimizing the amount of white meat that I eat because Sunette had told me vegetables do feel pain too but they are here all the way so their experience is a bit 'interesting', I tried to pain my thumb with my finger nails and staying here all the way, see if it would reduce the amount of pain I sustain, it didn't work very well on that.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lost into greed and enslaving others as sucking as much money as possible.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself wanting to enjoy as enslaving others as self but do not want to take responsibility to work and do things myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself do not want to face the truth of equality that everyone everything as others is self and equal as to me.
I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize that no matter how I run away from self-responsibility and equality we as self are always one and equal and always need to face the consequence no matter how many millions of years later.
I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize that tricking and sucking money|taking advantages from others is taking|borrowing advantages that need to repay in the future.
I mean, it's inevitable (general speaking, as far as I know, sigh, the amount of pain would be much more) after death, tremendous tremendous amount of pain is waiting for everyone. I would very much like to reduce the amount of pain that I need to experience or at least train myself to get used to it as much as possible reducing the pain's effect, like, I think I should have come to earth or become human for many times, since when I was a child others or some children will complain|tell their parents that they are very|extremely painful during night time when their body growth, when they grow taller or for pulling a tooth out the following pain is how unbearable, but to me, generally I don't feel much of these. even when I took my wisdom teeth off I feel pain after the stablising pills went off, yes I do feel quit some pain, but it only last for two or three hours, afterwards, I am ok. I guess I am quite used to pain, but yet, at the same time, I am extremely afraid of pain. and the one thing that I don't understand is why pain is manifested in this world or why pain is needed or why there much be pain.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear pain and take advantage from others but don't want to feel pain.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think fearing pain is protecting me to not have pain.
I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize common sense is best for protecting me away from unnecessary pain.
