So, it was so 'harsh' and enslaving work. what i see from my ex-boss, the tofu factory one. Fear me, cunning, greedy, total ignore of others, abusing, exert his anger and frustration onto others, totally blame others as it is their fault, (it's interesting to mention that, the stone grinder that grind the beans breaks into half, and he said: damn it, lose money again, i mean..even if i weren't there. Things would happen to manifest his frustration inside to release the energy, and current it seems he didn't notice this and it also means 'seem' as i didn't notice this yet. i am working and continuously 'clearing' myself though, i mean, else, i might have tricky/difficulties 'time' in supporting and continuing my internet and the translation in chinese support). and a big point, enjoy exerting/shooting angers inside me to make others suffer or take my anger systems then i feel better when they're fear of me. feeling superior and i am taking this all back to myself to 'feel' and see for myself. only in the opposite 'role'.
Also, still have sexual fantasies inside to want to use masturbation to exert the 'momentary' forget the pain. still yet, having instantatanous 'reactions' to woman or girls' body. i see this as currently as 'want to experience sex' before i die, or a 'over fantasized energetic projections through porns', metaphysically. but as the Desteni newsletter 3 mentioned, i am intergrating, awareing of my body with four count breath. to walk back what i have been missed. actually i sort of experienced similar things couple of months ago, when i was seeing animation porn, i being 'together' with my body and have momentary 'stable, stopped, hereness' and find the contents of the porn 'not very interesting', for a moment. this sexual fantasies is 'annoying' because whenever whoever it's a woman, it could bring out 'nudic ideas', seldomly it's man..i don't know yet how the body is functioning at this moment, they said the life essence has been taken out, but i did 'come' without pictorial or not even aware of myself, i was so tired this tired is the body not myself, i still sleep only six hours a day, and pains especially at the waist spine section.
Also, constantly have the 'image' of my legs being rolled over by a bus. doing self-forgiveness on it. is it i worried for i am so tired that i might lose balance and felt on the road being rolled over? is it i wanted to use the rollover pain as a 'drug' and associated metaphysically immense pain 'opens up' immense sex/masturbation pleasure? to temporary ease/balance the pain that i am experiencing.
I 'like' working/experiencing the bottom enslavement layer to 'cure' my desire for enjoyment or what's wrong with want to have dim sum or stimulations, i personally literally experience that know what it was like. the pain, the suffering and not desire for more anymore. not within oneness and equality 'frame'. to assist me in 'stopping' myself in just go to a chinese restaurant, sit down and then food and others will serve me and i am good. not realize/experience what is 'behind the back door', the atrocities and suffering. and this experience, i absorb into myself so i 'remember' and don't do it again.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to just enjoy and look to climb at the tip of the current money pyramid system but not caring the real-living life of the bottom pyramid base that is suffering and supporting those that are at the top.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be cunning, greed, and not caring a nickel about others' suffering as it's not my problem you die and i only got my money and i only got one life instead of realize the consequence of personal selfish on money and the caused effects on oneness and equality as doing back to my up-coming days' self.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to totally blame others for my unpleasant experience, abusing others treat them like nothing not realize what i experience is all me inside me and have a chance for me to look at.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to exert my anger, anger into others and make them fear me to feel happier inside not realize it is a loop and re-create my experience until i clear it self-forgive them efficiently and self-corrective applying as not do it again.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to want to use sex and masturbation as a means of balance my pain that's experiencing inside me while working at the tofu factory.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to want to fonder and lick my boss's wife?'s sex organ just because she's 'treating me better' and not realize this masturbation or sex acts fantasies based on pictorial based are 'out of control'.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to want to fonder the blond teenager getting on the bus instead of realizing the this not self aroused oriented but reactive based on uneasyness unpleasant of pain inside me and i didn't ask permission from her as self and this reactive sex fantasies has to stop.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to want to kiss my ex-boss mr. lau as a punishing him, as a stimulation as a oneness and equality act.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear the fear of because of too tired and drowzyness and busyness that i might lose balance or didn't see and fall my head into the soy bean grinding machine and crushed painfully.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to project immense pain as direct proportional immense sexual pleasure since the more pain i am experiencing the more i 'desire' of sex not realize that it is all in the metaphysical and not true and not respecting and one and equal to my body.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to take food for granted and not realize the suffering at the bottom pyramid layer enslavement that is going on and people that need to be 'enslaved' to generate the food and other needs that seemingly ' it's just there, it just magically there, they got paid for producing such things, it is their problem and they don't seem suffering too much, i didn't see their suffering ' as an excuse to keep want more energetic stimulations.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself want to have my legs rolled over by a bus to generate immense pain and project having immense sexual pleasure in return not realize it is totally metaphysical fucked up ideas and pain only cause more pain.
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