Living in Texas..begin

Haven't blog for a while, it was literally full throttle most of the moments in translating, and transcribing. Translate the solution series, took 'a lot of time' at this moment, but it's worth it. there are really points that i didn't 'hear in', i just heard at the knowledge and information level and i didn't realize/clear on them yet. and through translation i am more one and equal to the points, 'cleared'. and i found out, it's my past that need to write out to release it inside, not as a basic construct/food for the mind consciousness system. and so, writing on my history again. it's quite surprised that there are so many about my past that i 'can' write about.

So, i was in Texas with my aunt and her family. there is also a 'illegal' immigrant from taiwan that she was 'renting' a room, hiding or something, she worked in a restaurant as a waitress, 'actively' looking for americans to get married, and got 'dumped' quite most of the time by caucasians. you know, the american 'live in paradise dream'. including myself that i didn't consider the nature of oneness and equality.

I self forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fantasize about dating Lilly while staying in my aunt's house.

I self forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to keep looking for enslaving others and have better living while others suffer and ignored the oneness and equality of the nature of us as self as life here.

I self forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to 'use' others as advantages to as stepping stones to take personal self-interest and down to the core, my core was just caring for myself of what i can get from others for myself.

I self forgive myself for haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize that the 'paradise' living is built on others' as myself's suffering that i didn't care for oneness and equality and i just urge desire for what i want to experience energetically.

I live principle living as oneness and equality.
I consider oneness and equality, as effective and efficiency.


So she was there. i was, a..18? 19? youngsters. who..hadn't been out of my home for camping before. well, i was a bit take it for granted for what i have experienced in the house, that there are food when i am hungry, there are TVs, there are 'model kits, toys' that i can go to model shops and 'desire, dreams for' whole day long..but i didn't hv money to buy it, most most of the time. mom takes care of laundry. and i just lie on my bad, reading animation magazines from classmates or later one when i had my first job or something, i bought my first video game player and 'play'. (that's after i came back to hong kong, from america).

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to just lived in a living of experienced and enjoyed for myself, instead of realize the oneness and equality living and 'contributing' my part but just want to hide away and dodge my responsibilities, and 'rest'.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define my life as living only through as experiencing energy then i am 'alive' and i am living and my life was meaningful.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project myself as need energy and saving/preserving my breathe/strength through resting not realize that it's all the mind and i lived through as the mind consciousness system.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to the my self-directive principle living instead of letting my thoughts, feelings and emotions to 'direct' me in situations to how i act afterwards accordingly, instead of stand up within myself and self-direct.

I self forgive myself for accepting and allowing to live and define myself by being right correct and good not realize, there is only oneness and equality.

I am self-direct and not letting my mind consciousness system as thoughts, feelings and emotions to direct me how i should experience myself.

I am not defined myself as pursuing one side, the 'good/nice/feeling' side of the polarity, i am here as all any side.

So, at school or the community college. it was smooth at first i presume, cause it's beginning course or something, wasn't doing as good as when i was in wisconsin's high school though. english was a 'problem' i mean, just words in MCS way can be complex, expressing similar things can have so many words to express and for a foreigner, it was 'difficult' especially when involve into courses of english. i mean, as far as what i have experienced and observed, it's really, not my cup of tea. i mean, ok, let's say i was..the english lecturer for my first fiction reading course or something, she could be 'tender'? she was a journalist/a novel writer herself. she was 'interested' in different culture, she 'looks to me' understand my expressing in english at that moment wasn't 'fluent' at all to a college's level, i mean, don't see my words here now as who i was, if anyone or you at this moment are reading this. i was like..middle school level? especially with the limited vocabulary i had, even here now, it still is. i mean, just like chinese, for a 'culture' that had gone through for five thousand years, and asking someone to realize/understand all those developed through five thousand years, with a mind system inside..i was always dreaming, why..or if i was born in a native english speaking country, my 'future' would be easier. so, she gave me a B or A- or something, and that only reflects on my 'interest' on participating into the writtings. and later on, american history, or even politics which was required or my councellor(spells like a cancellor to me) arrange me. basically, i was rock bottom at those years afterwards. i didn't do good at all, i did various methods but i didn't observe it assists much. while others, i really even at this moment, i still didn't 'counsciousnessly' know how they did, other foreign students i mean, i did asked them before, but i mean, at those periods, not many would tell you much. what i told was stuck in a library, or..just stuff it in. i mean, ever since i grow up, into the middle school, studying isn't 'fun' anymore. memeorizing wasn't my strong at, maybe i wasn't programmed to walk such life..and from here now i look at, everyone was just 'beingness' of a system, a robot or something and i didn't want to be like that. everyone just stuff things in, stuff points in, and it's there..but i couldn't, it didn't work on me. so, people works all sort of ways, finding pass papers, and lecturers, *sight..especially currently here the colleges that i went to..some are terminators as trashing students. i already notice this when i was in high school in hong kong, i was wonder: did, no body in the government knows about? can i suggest/advice to them the truth? .. WT* .. it's the reverse, they made it this way. i have to say it again. WTF. that we have inside us to manifest such world for us to live in. so, pretty 'students' are, usually do fine, might not and..i mean, wouldn't expect them to be book worm or something, i didn't expect so at least. it's like copy machines race. not even photo cameras, it's copy machines. others, are mainly on the lecturer's hand of how much scores that you can squeeze out from them. so, it was screwed. i became, hid away. i mean, i didn't want to..i also was the same moment, experiencing my own 'free'. with no parents. so i went to play video games, without letting my aunt knew, and my parents too. i mean, i didn't want to go to face the system school, but i couldn't stay in my aunt's house and sleep, at moment, sleeping was my hide out..was like, an addiction. that i was addicted to sleeping. i enjoyed being slept instead of active. i was enjoying the beingness of sleeping that i sort of like i 'love' sleeping. i eat only when i had to, then an hour? one and half maybe then i 'wanted' to delve back into sleeping. and i was 'home' sick, extremely. i was like, this world..all of a sudden, it was so cold, everyone's so mean, cold, distant and plotting and defending against each other. and i m among them. of course i didn't see those are my reflections. and just like mother teresa's interview, i lost 'my support' for me to go on. i was, collapsed inside. i was looking for my green house back in hong kong with my mother, father..projecting my future to be back to them. even in my aunt's house, it was like, i was an 'extra' outsider. and i played video games just liked, went to a casino or something. even for games that i finished, just played it again.

I self forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hate and reject, resisting the school system, as deceiving and wasting time, not realize that i/we collectively created that and we live with the current education system.

I self forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in enjoying power and authority in schools and reflected on lecturers as absolute authority in giving grades.

I self forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fond of those that i like or sexually attracted and i offer my assistance but reject those that challenge me instead of evaluating the situation common sensely.

I self forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to like and want to get close to those that agree with my opinions instead of giving up my opinions as the opinions are a separation of here and i 'copy' the opinions from my parents and others in the first place.

I self forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to 'think' i am my opinions.

I self forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to limit myself by 'thinking' i cannot memorized stuffs with a text book size information and instead of realize it's common sense that works and assist me in living.

I self forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear of my fear of studying in the current education system.

I self forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use sleeping as hiding and not facing this world as myself and just want to feel comfortability experience comfortability, not realize the oneness and equality in this whole picture.

There is no 'power' and authority but everyone at this moment, expressing and facing their own consequences afterdeath, afterwards.

I am not my personality or opinions, i am self all here.

I for those that i currently find sexually attracted or fond of, they are me as self too, and those that i don't fond of, or dislike, they are me too.

I don't fear my fear of studying. i work common sensely with studying.


So, i was collapsed, 'home sicked' in this america reality, that all i was, 'lost'. It was like i was dealing with multiple 'pressures'. there are so many things i needed to achieve, yet, studying was not 'on my side' so to speak. i was like, why? why did people keep saying, just face it more and more and the information will 'reveal' and it would be there inside your heard(i didn't know it was about revealing pre-programmed life information carried within our human DNA? or something, back then). i tried many many, various methods, drinking coffee, tried not to sleep, and, the vocabulary 'gap' was big, i mean even for here now, if someone give me a novel, in english, tell me to read/write a read-after report even looking up words in the dictionary could cost me much 'time'. and i was using a 'battling' attitude, to try to overcome, achieve, wasn't considering what 'you fight persist'. So, i started to skip classes. at first it was, see if i can concentrate more time in studying the material, later on, i just hide away from it. i felt 'comfortable' or having a little place, 'space' of my own, that i can leave the 'problems/troubles' away for awhile, a silent/quietnessness within me. and later on, it became, i did quite bad in the exams. you know, lecturers that i encountered at that moment, they enjoyed 'you have to answer my own ways, of what i have said, in class' like the lecturer's words are law. and the lecturer is god in whether he likes to give one's score or not. I was at those period, i asked myself: 'what am i doing here? i wanted to stay back with my parents, i was not happy, i was using quite an amount of money' and living, within someone else's house. it wasn't a 'nice experience' at all, this, thank goodness for we are in-truth in nature, in essence oneness and equal within as each other. and for those three years, i have suppressed myself for i'd say, almost everyday, you know, when i was not happy inside, but i need to go on, and can't show it, or showing it outward will 'jeapordize' my situation, or it break the 'relationship' that would not assist. i was, the beingness of 'survival', and many everything about myself was expandable. and i pinch/suppressed myself each day, suppressed what i felt, my unhappiness, suppressed my home sick.

I self forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be home sick, defined by a family construct, need companion instead of realize that every comes from a source as life here and everything in existence is self.

I self forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to enjoy in a family so that i can have more 'time' in experiencing myself energetically instead of expressing myself in assistance and contribute to self to life our original source, onenessly.

I self forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to be memory system that can exchange for comfortable jobs but with un-proportional amount and lots of money as enslavement of others as the nature essence of myself, self instead of living oneness and shamelessly, self-honestly, onenessly in facing existence, forever.

I self forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself suppressed self for years just for survival, and suppressed the un-happiness and beingness of separated inside me and perceive 'man are tough to sustain must have trained by suffering, throw away self for survival' not realize that, everything was caused by myself.

I self forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to perceive that I cannot stay without a relationship, and afraid of loneiness not realize that we/I am alone in existence.

I self forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to 'think' i can't live without separation as relationship and energetically hightened by relationship, not realize that we are all one from the same source of life, here.

I self forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my fear of others being spike my acts when i 'apparently' is under, limited under, inferior to others under circumstances, and suppress myself as self-dishonest to others as self, and being fake to them.

I self forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself fear my fear of being controlled, or harm by the authority, elite, or police, because they currently have tons of money and arms, not realize that first fear doesn't not assist, and just manifest and make things worse and worse, and second, it's not how long I stay on earth but how i spend my stay in every moment, while i am staying.

I self forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my fear of dying in immense heat and the pain caused by immense immense heat of a nuclear explosion.

I self forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hang on to the idea defining masturbation and sexual experience as something that's worth to hang on in this world, not realize that this world, is a 'apparent temptation' for spend first and paid extremelly later afterdeath in facing oneness, beignness of equal and one to.

I self forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel safe and secure when i fear, not realize it's the opposite that this world currently is opposite, as fear manifest what i fear.

I am oneness, we are one from the one source as life here.
I do not live in relationship or separation.
I self-honest to everything in existence as me as self.

Experiencing the Bottom of the Pyramid Hierarchy

So, it was so 'harsh' and enslaving work. what i see from my ex-boss, the tofu factory one. Fear me, cunning, greedy, total ignore of others, abusing, exert his anger and frustration onto others, totally blame others as it is their fault, (it's interesting to mention that, the stone grinder that grind the beans breaks into half, and he said: damn it, lose money again, i mean..even if i weren't there. Things would happen to manifest his frustration inside to release the energy, and current it seems he didn't notice this and it also means 'seem' as i didn't notice this yet. i am working and continuously 'clearing' myself though, i mean, else, i might have tricky/difficulties 'time' in supporting and continuing my internet and the translation in chinese support). and a big point, enjoy exerting/shooting angers inside me to make others suffer or take my anger systems then i feel better when they're fear of me. feeling superior and i am taking this all back to myself to 'feel' and see for myself. only in the opposite 'role'.

Also, still have sexual fantasies inside to want to use masturbation to exert the 'momentary' forget the pain. still yet, having instantatanous 'reactions' to woman or girls' body. i see this as currently as 'want to experience sex' before i die, or a 'over fantasized energetic projections through porns', metaphysically. but as the Desteni newsletter 3 mentioned, i am intergrating, awareing of my body with four count breath. to walk back what i have been missed. actually i sort of experienced similar things couple of months ago, when i was seeing animation porn, i being 'together' with my body and have momentary 'stable, stopped, hereness' and find the contents of the porn 'not very interesting', for a moment. this sexual fantasies is 'annoying' because whenever whoever it's a woman, it could bring out 'nudic ideas', seldomly it's man..i don't know yet how the body is functioning at this moment, they said the life essence has been taken out, but i did 'come' without pictorial or not even aware of myself, i was so tired this tired is the body not myself, i still sleep only six hours a day, and pains especially at the waist spine section.

Also, constantly have the 'image' of my legs being rolled over by a bus. doing self-forgiveness on it. is it i worried for i am so tired that i might lose balance and felt on the road being rolled over? is it i wanted to use the rollover pain as a 'drug' and associated metaphysically immense pain 'opens up' immense sex/masturbation pleasure? to temporary ease/balance the pain that i am experiencing.

I 'like' working/experiencing the bottom enslavement layer to 'cure' my desire for enjoyment or what's wrong with want to have dim sum or stimulations, i personally literally experience that know what it was like. the pain, the suffering and not desire for more anymore. not within oneness and equality 'frame'. to assist me in 'stopping' myself in just go to a chinese restaurant, sit down and then food and others will serve me and i am good. not realize/experience what is 'behind the back door', the atrocities and suffering. and this experience, i absorb into myself so i 'remember' and don't do it again.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to just enjoy and look to climb at the tip of the current money pyramid system but not caring the real-living life of the bottom pyramid base that is suffering and supporting those that are at the top.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be cunning, greed, and not caring a nickel about others' suffering as it's not my problem you die and i only got my money and i only got one life instead of realize the consequence of personal selfish on money and the caused effects on oneness and equality as doing back to my up-coming days' self.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to totally blame others for my unpleasant experience, abusing others treat them like nothing not realize what i experience is all me inside me and have a chance for me to look at.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to exert my anger, anger into others and make them fear me to feel happier inside not realize it is a loop and re-create my experience until i clear it self-forgive them efficiently and self-corrective applying as not do it again.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to want to use sex and masturbation as a means of balance my pain that's experiencing inside me while working at the tofu factory.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to want to fonder and lick my boss's wife?'s sex organ just because she's 'treating me better' and not realize this masturbation or sex acts fantasies based on pictorial based are 'out of control'.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to want to fonder the blond teenager getting on the bus instead of realizing the this not self aroused oriented but reactive based on uneasyness unpleasant of pain inside me and i didn't ask permission from her as self and this reactive sex fantasies has to stop.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to want to kiss my ex-boss mr. lau as a punishing him, as a stimulation as a oneness and equality act.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear the fear of because of too tired and drowzyness and busyness that i might lose balance or didn't see and fall my head into the soy bean grinding machine and crushed painfully.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to project immense pain as direct proportional immense sexual pleasure since the more pain i am experiencing the more i 'desire' of sex not realize that it is all in the metaphysical and not true and not respecting and one and equal to my body.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to take food for granted and not realize the suffering at the bottom pyramid layer enslavement that is going on and people that need to be 'enslaved' to generate the food and other needs that seemingly ' it's just there, it just magically there, they got paid for producing such things, it is their problem and they don't seem suffering too much, i didn't see their suffering ' as an excuse to keep want more energetic stimulations.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself want to have my legs rolled over by a bus to generate immense pain and project having immense sexual pleasure in return not realize it is totally metaphysical fucked up ideas and pain only cause more pain.

Three days experienced in the Bottom Class as Tofu worker

Ok, it has been a while since i write this blog. few weeks has passed. so, worked in a tofu factory for three days. lots of..mirror feed backs, one major one is i enjoy exerting my anger and frustration to people around me whenever i have a chance, almost like using that as a drug and it is shown by Mr. lau's reflections on me, my ex-boss so to speak. and another thing is i really have a lot lot lot of realization of what i have accepted and allowed for take it for granted, even a little piece of tofu, bean curd or soy milk, oh and yes, they did put a lot of additives inside, working as an uneducated worker at the lowest suppressed almost close to the bottom of the pyramid base level. after experienced such hurting, extreme sharp edge pain on my back that i can't hardly move last night that i need to sleep early, the current money system pyramid hiearchy is plain, apparently a music chair game, but in behind truly it was a game of certain beings playing with 'reincarnations' into the 'good lifes' as elites. every piece of especially waist below muscles hardened like robots moving, stiff and sharp pains back of spine it is not just pain, it was sending a signal that it can't handle very well at all and stop doing suppressing 'me' again, yet i was 'required' to work the next day. it's not my ex-boss don't need me, for such harsh work he need someone and an extra turn of making another tofu already can 'earn' my little salary, it's me dress up my coat and he knew i was looking for other jobs that 'pissed' him, i am glad at this moment i still have shelter and food to sustain myself and support for the Desteni oneness and equality project. for those that are on what i have experienced daily or even worse, i am ..shamed of myself for pursuing all sorts of things like dim sum to make all sorts of people involved especially the lower pyramid base level workers, that as long as i have or my family have money, i want to go to a 'restaurant'..or the waitress/waiters..it's their job, they don't seem tired..once i worked behind the 'back door'. i can say, i don't 'like' to eat any bean produces, again. same as dim sum, i mean, the suffering and pain is so 'horrible' this three days, did assist me a lot in seeing how the lower extreme low class in the pyramid base is experiencing, how the actual pain and suffering they are in. literally, shortening their life time to exchange for money for their boss. and not to mention the physical as the beans are being boiled and crushed. this 'system' of madness in everyone wants to be the tip of pyramid can't go on like this, actually i knew, before, quite very well, but i just want more, more video games, more stimulaiton/greed on food, more traveling go here go there. ok, continue maybe next morning, it's tired 'today'.

Self in oneness, effects of knowledge and information

When i was translating the solution oneness video tonight, really heavyness within. shame, heavyness, stop what i have accepted and allowed. and stop is something that i haven't actively participated, i was: ok, this has to be stopped but i didn't stop myself within. which is fear of not existing anymore and not 'want' to give up, mainly sex and masturbation related. and i lately from the reptilian benevolence video series that (it was mentioned before but i wasn't getting what it means yet) that 'high' energy as excitements, hilarious, ecstasy comes from 'robbing' and throwing neagtive energies to others such as poor, suffering, pain, starving. this is as far as i realize so far. it..quite make sense to me. nothing comes from free, there is no free-energy, there is no la la land for everyone. no, it can't. i cannot reach the tip of a 'highness' in on the tip of the pyramid without stepping on the foundations of the bottom layer. and everyone 'can' reach the highness to the tip of the pyramid of highness of 'ecstasy', it's not possible. it 'apparently' possible because currently whenever people don't see, actually as i was before, even i see plant or animals that 'moves'..i looked back, i didn't treat them as equal to me, i just care about myself and what i get from the society, capitalistic system.

I was very if not totally mad and lost among existence at those time. i kept have 'thoughts' of: it's it, there is nothing i can do to the society, it's human, it's history repeating itself, i only have one life 80/90 years if lucky..but i missed something quite 'heavily'. my source as everything comes from a source, not oh it's just a/the source i more care about how 'great/complex/wonderful' i can built out based from this source. and secondly, i was not 'living'..at all. i was just systematically 'jerking' my time away and split of second ecstasy, then downness loneyness guilt remorse and then..go look for ecstasy again and then downness loneyness guilt remorse..and the cycle keep going and going and going for 36? years..not as 'concrete fulfilled meaningful' as this 8? months that i was involved into transcribing and translation. and i 'improved' a lot..in realization and physically on my living habit on earth here. to name a few, i don't pee at night anymore can sleep continuously for 6, 5 currently .. 4 and a half? hour..losing weight on the waist..belly..fully recharged after every night just for around 5 hours of sleep. my mom's like ..sleeping 9? hours..and she's quite frustrated for seeing my way of not falling into the category of 'a system'.

Have some PMs with angela. i mean, quite a reflection of myself. ego, enforcing what i see fit as 'right' on to others, 'want to assist others but in my way only', need to defend my ego whenever my opinion is offended. i shared with her what i realizations and see. currently i am..'reluctant but come to terms with oneness and equality'. it was 'difficult' to drop my opinions as my personality as who i currently am but i see it as who i am, tends to want to guard them, but hey, i mean why limited myself only to these bunch of opinions? why only to one 'ego' when i am 'truly' all ego..we are just playing inside a huge role playing game, but..i treat some characters are more 'valued' and some players i don't like, some i 'hate', some i more 'fond of', some i see them as 'wrong', some i admire and 'worship'..while missing the source of point of it: the player is life. i and all players are not the role or bubble suite that we are 'wearing' and lost in energetic battling, enslaving each other through 'profits as money' and avoid the consequences of abusing others, anything. not anymore, things are breaking down, deteriorating, fast, people are losing control to of themselves, i mean, look at the traffic, the drivers, my mom..everyone is getting more 'unstable inside their mind', pissed off..in a self-uncontainable way, most currently don't realize this.

I forgive myself that i haven't accepted and allowed myself to stop myself and i just kept pursuing outside and blame for the human nature as that is it, i can't do anything, it's futile, enjoy as much as i can before i die not realizing even if there is 'cease to exist' it is how i spend my life moments here on earth, no shame no regret in facing everything afterdeath..instead of lost in the sexual split of second ecstasy 'feelings', a mouse inside a turning wheel.

I forgive myself that i haven't accepted and allowed myself to give up sex and masturbation feelings that as proclaiming i am subjected to/limited to/can't exist without the split of second ecstasy feelings as mathematical separated relationship equated energetic balance expression that i am subjected and only limited by the definitions of this world and i cannot be 'free' when i was defined/bounded by that.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define free/freedom as do what i want/desire, enslave others as much as i can but keep a mask of i am nice and not acting anything in harming others, experience as much energetic pictorial masturbation as i can not realizing free is the source the as all life here as undefined by the bubble suits.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to worship knowledge and information instead of worshiping self not realizing knowledge and information is fear, fear of failure again, fear of wrong doings again, following past path as past experience as a starting point and not living when knowledge and information is worshiped and defined as me.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to obsessed into more and more higher energy feelings while not realize nothing comes for free and whatever i experience in highness the other lowness as starving, being raped, torture, suffering is needed to be manifested to balance it out, where else can it come from.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to only concentrate center in me me and me through thoughts feelings and emotions as a mind consciousness system 'told and directed me' how to experience myself through knowledge and information.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be self-dishonest as believing there is free energy and everyone someday can collectively enslave nature or earth as an energy source and human happy forever in the drug as sex ecstasy not realizing everything in existence is me is life here is oneness, happiness exist in play with oneness not enslaving within oneness but try to avoid the consequence of my acts.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear my fear of not existing, not..realize that i am here and everywhere is here, common sensely simple.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to enjoy energetically enforcing others to accept my assistance accept my way and i am right in supporting my ego as personality as guidelines/rules as satisfying my personal ego as a starting point.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to enjoy and have to defend my ego as programmed core essence codes whenever my opinions is in contradictions with others then it's always my opinions as code fragments is right/correct not realizing i am codes but codes are not me, currently, i am all life as oneness in equality.

I am not defined and bounded by knowledge and information, i release delete self-forgive information and knowledge that is not supporting oneness and equality at this moment.
I am not ego opinions and personality manifestations.

I am physical

Have been practicing practicing i am physical today, quite interesting so to speak. it was calm, and not emotional for the whole time, very here like a back to home finally 'beingness'. starts 'feeling' a beingness in the breathe.

Talked to someone in pathway about looking for a job for the internet and for the due course. the staff Dave, talked to him a bit..also involve a little bit about what course i am taking. i mentioned there is a website about everything, and he said the economy 'hopefully' will recover, i used the money based on national debt he agrees with this, but when talk to it's a projection of the future enslavement that is equals to 'debt'. he said two times he didn't see why that is enslavement. to what i see is, he is denying 'enslaving others' and use didn't see to justify his acts instead of acknowledge and realize and face the 'enslaving' others. i mean, for myself, i see there is enslavement without the national debt model, i see enslavement when i go to a restaurant, i see enslavement when those that work the most like farmers, labors but in the name of 'dumb down through education and in the name of knowledge and information, and hidden technology'..inequality exist in the distribution of 'money'. backed by individual self-interest and not consider the common good in existence.

As have talked to kelme, have seen my brother and mother been programming my brother's one and a half year old daughter. in the name of 'protecting' her, my mom gave her an empty pen and told her: here is your pen to draw. when she asked for soy sauce, my brother 'deceive' her by pretending dipping it in front of her and said: it's dipped. when she asked for something: my brother and his wife said: what do you say when you want something? thank you father. who are you asking? you need to ask who? father, father please give me my spoon.(obedience), manipulation and throwing anger to her. do this do this, else, you won't get what you 'ask for'. like i was, forced to 'survive' and bend not because of what i was told to do but i adopt the 'skill' that my parents mainly father doing and 'programmed' myself to use it for my 'own advantage' and when i've grown up to certain extent i kept silent in the 'outside' of me. and have not stand up myself, presuming there is no point of arguing, i need to survive. i mean either way i missed the point of self-stand up and self-direct and only concentrated on 'fight back' and angry.

I forgive myself that i haven't accepted and allowed myself to see that it's simplicity in common sense that is the way of handling things but i delve into the complexity of reasons and mind consciousness system, try to use reasons to defend my act on 'enslaving others' and as long as my world is fine, i got a steady income i kept self-dishonest and support the inequality money system.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be deceiving others in names of 'for their own good' but just for self-interest as act of through others perform to them as self-dishonesty.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to control and manipulate others, using 'i am teaching you' obey me fear me.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to bend and not self-direct the situation.

I forgive myself that i haven't accepted and allowed myself to live in simplicity as physical.

Give up the mind consciousness system

I just re-see the mother nature's video. inside, she mentioned something like give up the mind consciousness system as our outer world is how it is constructed today. i have never considered, i mean, i see the videos but i didn't get what i means by 'give up the mind' not until when transcribing today. to me, it's quite a difference between, reading at information and knowledge level and 'participate' when i as self is involved. when i actually do it, participate in it. it's more 'real' of course, i still need to walk them live them to make them real.

but, yea..i didn't consider i can give up the mind consciousness system. i mean even the 'thought' of it already sounds make sense. i was using, applying the tools but at the same 'time' stick inside the mind consciousness system and without giving it up. the start point could be from a mind consciousness system. the beingness/feeling of give up the mind consciousness system is like simplicity. and i just found out, i could also need to give up my personality as well. breathe seems to do better this way, again without the personality..what will i be?

Solmaz was to me, kind of irritated when she's chatting with me. to me, i see there are angers, frustration and covering up exists inside her, it was about the events that are coming, i stated about the 2012 that was mentioned by Bernard, she see it as my 'belief', i pointed out it is a marks that bernard and those use it as a 'placement' because the public generally already anticipate inside their mind consciousness systems that 'something's gonna happen but they don't know what it is' she's insisting on 'arguing' and fight back. taking things to a personal level. i didn't expect privateforum members are with such systems inside. i pointed to her and suggest her to watch the angry system videos, some suggestions. but she's interested in getting me into the arguments with her. i finally, told her that the last piece of suggestion that i would give her in the chat. and left the 'fighting pit'. there is no point of arguing at all, arguing is only for defending one's right and through rejecting other's wrong to confirm one's rightness of opinions. i mean, i work/explain to some points, after that..that became plain arguing. and i am not participating in arguing in supporting systems.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be irritate and angry inside and keep suppressing them inside dodging avoiding the problems instead of self-forgive them and live on.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to blame it is the other self that's causing the discomfort angryness inside me and not realize that it is the events that taking place to 'manifest' the anger inside me.

I forgive myself that i haven't accepted and allowed myself to consider other people as self's views and suggestions, and i just feel angry and it is the other person's fault and use this 'chance' to instigate a fight to manifest the anger within me.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to keep arguing and stick with my ego instead of using common sense first to see if what has said worth accepting it.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to give myself to the systems and yield to start an argument.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be cold eyed and enjoy seeing/watching two or more people to fight with each other and chuck away.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be relying on logics and suppressing myself inside me instead of using common sense.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to live inside a shell that i always 'wanted' to protect myself from other's as me might harm/attack me.

I forgive myself that i haven't accept and allow myself to be vlunerable and enclose myself inside a nutshell, afraid of getting contact with other people as me.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to pin myself down suppressing myself inside the mind consciousness system and 'feeling' i am not worthy to live in this world, i am less than an ant.

Wu Wei's brough me a gift - a long lost article

It was an 'unexpected' event, totally in the moment, was is here i can't really tell at this moment. but i realize something is i was parrot talking through my mind consciousness system, all in the past all this year. it's rather 'interesting' (i wouldn't use the word complicated).

Wu Wei has asked me questions about the veno's molecules articles. which i had read quite a 'long time ago', maybe at my early period of when i first joint Desteni. totally got 'screwed up'/got fucked by the article so to speak. had read it many times, didn't get a 'fuck' of what it's talking about, what blue dots, and the words that veno's using..was like presented in the article was like 'cindarella/alice in wonder land' - reloaded, and revolution. i mean, using a mind consciousness system at this moment i am quite didn't get what he's saying at all. here now, i realize, much realized in regrading to the before me when i first joint Desteni. at first when i read the article i was, totally in fuck of frustration land and don't got what he's saying. i got frustrated, angry and totally no clues - at that moment, it's like a mixture of angry and frustration and troublesome and curiosity of what it is about..

After couple of months of translating and transcribing works. i realized, quite a lot. and especially when i pracctice beingness of the moment, it's totally a 'wonderful, strange in certain extent, natural and fullfillment type of beingness'. and it is through that, that i can see myself: 'oh, i am a parrot, still a mind consciousness systematic parrot at this moment' i didn't see this, i thought i have 'realized' but not enough if i had. i would say, some observations are correct, but some are/maybe not totally correct in it's whole. it's quite strange and a bit of confused at this moment, because this unexpected gift of re-read this paragraph is..so immense, which also make the already 'intangled' situation more tricky.

Let me describe what is moment living. i, am the living moment as through as the breathe. within the moment, there is no time. everything's silent, totally still, it all happen inside the breathe. let me recall and stablized before i go on. ok, here now is moment living, it's quiet stable, clear concise simplistic, no energy fluctuations or whatever, the words that i use are different. tone is different, words expressions are different. it's fullfilled, and there is not 'time' construct within the moment. no, nothing..plain silent, and yes, not a being of silent, but a beingness of silent. this calm, 'peace-ness', slow inside yet i am typing fast outside, absolute stable within the moment, within my breathe, that's similar to a child when i was small - absolutely stable and 'Here' if i may term it that way. it's like 'constantly expanind' inside me..not a 'feeling that based on energy'. energy does not exist within moment. this beingness right at this moments, that i am experiencing, makes me really makes me feel 'kind of silly' if i may use silly instead of 'stupid' which is another more heavy energetic words, for delving all my life back then into the totally 'low level of experienced' through as the mind consciousness system's pictorial based masturbation, a very limited 'feeling' and illusion of 'highness' while it's this 'peaceness' that life on 3D earth's worth experiencing and being. masturbation seems so 'trival' in front of beingness of moments inside breathe. within through as moments(yes, that's the words i was looking for) that's an enjoyment, that's an efficient way of performing, quick on the outwards yet 'absolute presence of moments if not here', it's like a fountain, yet moving but time stand still within in. the outer world's time doesn't stopped, at this moment i am typing it's within a space and time continnum yes, but inside me through as the moment, it's absolute clear silent, well except my voice sounding insdie my head while i am typing here now. besides this, it's all silent, crystal clear, beingness through as the moments. this 'almalgomation with the moment' is not through energy, so if any fructuation occurred, or forcing is involved, it's mind consciousness system. it's this 'voidness' that i first experience..that i have never experience before. when 'aligned' with moments inside my breathe, i am not 'governed' by time anymore, i just float within my breathe, slowly, to where? i can't locate it yet.

Here now is an working on moment here. so i was always afraid of here, try to get away from here - only here now i sort of use the same method to apply on moment here. that i found it's silly also, here is not boring, here is not 'silly', here is like a strength. that's i can see that all my definitions about moments and here was not correct, beingness of here is like a horse. same here, no energy invovled, yet it's beingness through as here is like within energy 'losing control'. but it's precise, and ..it's fluctuated yet not energetically also. and also, it's not defined by or 'access' by energy. Here is like a wild horse? here now i see that all sorts of worry about here and moments are 'illusional' unreal. not true at all. it fluctuate yet, i was not losing control in regrading to when i was in 'energetic madness' ..even the words give me a 'dullness' and low plane's feeling. being hereness is kinda of really like bernard's expression - a mad scientist. yet, this 'mad' is not defined by energy, it's ..like a horse inside the breathe that always pushing me..again not energetically. and common sense seems a bit increased at this 'moment' when i am writing. it's here now, like a moon, hmm, strange, interesting. a quiet version of here. don't really know what is it..it quites down. it's like a horse stalking. one thing i found quite it's like sort of find a beingness/point/alignment inside the breathe of where 'time' will hold still within me, within that i am not govern by time. it's not use energy or time to create a vacuum for no time. no, it's a natural beingness of time stopped. self-honesty to my breathe.