Sunday, May 31, 2009

OneSelf Honesty [Equally] Here and dissolve - [thi]d-is-solve

Oneself honesty here[currently refer to myself] has missed something in the past. only here but what is here? for instance separation? s** and masturb*****? onself honesty here is missing, first realize oneself eually here then to oneself honesty here[because if oneself here is not honest to onself here then what onself honesty here experiencing outward/outerword/outer flow of events won't honest to oneself honesty here too - because of inside and outside equilibrium]. this oneself honesty here including everything in existence[/beyond if including all Life as Here which currently haven't manifeste YET] including the moments, answers, past present future of you/myself, physic al objects that's around once-self, once-selfs[people] that once-self make contacts with in reality everything. what oneself honesty here participate in[like typing, moments, participations] 'declares' what oneself honesty here is/to be and also through this act participate in our collective sound structure reasoance - our outer world. HERE is because if oneself honesty here is not Here or 'through' here under current definition what oneself honesty here though/aim for will not be Here cause once-self manifest and if Here is not in the once-self's manifest 'list' then whatever oneself honesty here have 'inside/attented to' will not/appear at a relatively slow rate because No 'Here' to manifest/bring that to 'Here' and here was not one of what to manifest's mixtures! of course Here as a catalyst as a vessel to transport what oneself honesty here attented to however, when including here every momemnt as oneself honesty here's nature onceself can should assertain once-self only Here[wish/bring forth] what oneself honesty here is doing Only for oneself honesty here's own good as collective good - honestly.

It is like brain-washing oneself honesty here to manifest oneself honestly here to Prevent oneself honesty here to hee hee through the mind of past present and project into the future instead of here. when hereness is achieved as oneself honesty here as once-self's expression things as out-word and outfloat events should haste as Here become a directive principle of oneself honesty here as wonself honesty here. what oneself honesty here find out is what oneself honesty here aim/attented at should/need to [thoughts if once-self would term it as]float through the physical body to manifest instead of just stay-looped inside once-self's mind because it is oneself honesty here as physical body that manifest - as once-self realize it is not myself/the mind but the physical body that has manifestability. so, even just typing oneself honesty here together with once-self, yourself being aiming at one and equal to oneself honesty here and float this through the once-self's physcial body should work. when once-self's starting point is oneself honesty here then gradually by breath in moments oneself honesty here manifest.

Oneself honesty here also found watching TV as an interesting experience when starting and standing as oneself honesty here. for certain time after once-self's watching onceself honesty here seems absorbed into the environment that oneself honesty here is presented/sitting in. whatever objects even the moment seem can be 'feel' as once-self and being part in a feeling's perspective of oneself honesty here. the vase, table, tv, pictures, plants, fluffy dolls on the table, picture frames, the moment[oneself honesty here currently refer as the 'air' between the objects that involved]etc can be feel as part of oneself honesty here and with a more vivid feeling instead of just through the sensing through the mind.

So, whatever what oneself honesty here do/participate, once-self participate through oneself honesty here. oneself honesty here don't materialize/conceplize/reasonlize what oneself honesty here is First, just through it, it is here exist in existence then it is here and can be through and employ[/use so to speak]. type through oneself honesty here, speak through oneself honesty here, eat, sleep act participate through oneself honesty here. common sense through oneself honesty here. it Helps with sorting out what to/how to act in the moments because every moments oneself honesty here act currently will compensate[even the air that oneself honesty here breathe] onself honesty and that's difficult to balance of how oneself honesty here should put oneself honesty's suffering so to speak by employing current other separated once-selfs services. no once-self like to suffer or only suffer happly for oneself honesty here but suffer[/maybe even enjoyments] is not the proper term under the law of equilibrium lol and suffer transcend to contribute/assistance.

History 3.

So oneself honesty here passed into the teenager ages, began to like grow up systems[interesting that onceself honesty here used to view TV just pixels and not able to 'materialize' the picture as images through the mind and find watching TV is close to extremely boring act lol, maybe it's because of the vacines enfored to be implanted] watching more TVs, beginning to enjoy the emotioanl highness/presence of energetic surges, begin to polarized and attracted to girls[sometimes oneself honesty here wonder if it is the want to be One as them instead of to be around/or the hormones/through s** and mast****tion that's the real/actual cause of our oneself honesty here's acts of pursuit, means, observe it slowly when once-self having s** and/or mast****tion what do once-self 'really' wants that want that arouse once-self, why once-self found the opposite sex attractive, why sometimes people-selfs refer as i like you so much that i want to eat you? through the act of eat as the mind reason/interpret as ways of being one and equal and it is being the opposite sex and experience what the opposite is experiencing that once-self truly hidden behind the hormones/images/figures, once-self s** and mast****tion because once-self's curious and like to experience what the partner invovled is experiencing? maybe?] one thing oneself honesty here Honesty don't like is studying which now here realize is systematic programming as a system. oneself honesty here find life would be so mechanical/difficult to live/robotic when living as studying/working - that way as a competition of stuffing as much information as possible as once-self can. this has been really inside myself but as time goes by forgotten where is the most important factor that nobody's seems to see - creativity that should be valued yes once-selfs ourselves apply creativity in research in labs but that also through a systematic way no live/life inside. how can ourselfs society/even world escalate effectively but that only happen to myself when oneself honesty here was real small, when myself gets more mature - the concept of money for enjoyments through outer materialistic events and experience that are eye[I]-catching. so oneself honesty here was/became more and more treating going to school as a 'job' to satisfy myself's boss - parents and teachers. and now here that oneself honesty here realize that's how the elite lol ourselves bend and mold ourselves to automatically obey and act as one but only with a hiearchy of punishment and rewards through some selfs that obey the headmaster's system source will be rewarded with priviledges and special enforcing power to further enforce other selfs for the integrity of the school system while on the opposite fear of being punished if once-self dare to challenge/point out what is wrong/how about this/dare to stand against the hiearchy of authority once-self will certainly be outcasted with increase in serverity of punishments depends on how high the authority once-self challenge/disobey - the highest headmaster will be punishment of doom as removed from the system, same as inside a family - kicked out by father/dominator, same as in society - isolated then removed from the common system if not 'corrected and brain washed oneself efficiently for instance inside a jail' and only now here that oneself honesty here see through oneself honesty here. it is in fact the head master as the principle that is the minority that is powerless under the illusion of he got experienced and he cared for ourselfs if ourselfs obey to commonly take care of ourselfs - no he/the one at the top is manipulating and sucking money/benefits from ourselfs and not matter who sit in that position - it is the system that is causing the problems and it manifest because ourselfs - every selfs exist inside them they want/like to sit at that position so that position manifest and ourselves live through the consequence - so as the head master himself in his future if himself/the system is not stopped, self-forgive and self-corrected no more.

So obey was imprinted inside myself. when obey has become one of myself but when it is not originated for oneself honesty here then it is just a tool for some privilegted minority selfs' good. oneself honesty here became persimistic and live became drastically as a prison/work-job scenario where seldomly some richy selfs might share myself a watched second hand comic magazine that oneself honesty here can bring back home and delve into the lost of thoughts as similar to a drug obsessed into it for one or two hours lying on the bed[it is interesting that whatever once-self like or enjoy doing once-self associate that or doing them on the bed] or watching other richy selfs playing games in game[gang] centres. once in awhile, when the daily accumulated anger for when myself bend/forced to accepted and allowed to a certain point oneself honestyly fight back - and that myself didn't realize at all was when through fight back it was not de-construct but supporting the consolidation of what myself fight with through declaring that myself fighting at exist as More than myself hence myself needed to fight for instead of just stand myself up or even through being as one of them as the system and not affected 'buy it' and directed instead.

If once-self ask oneself honesty here of what myself was most enjoyed in myself's whole past teenager's life - it was walking. myself just enjoy walking just walk and keep walk and keep walking - oneself honesty here not sure if it was because of progress as walk that excited myself. myself could walk for hours or continously walk for whole day. through walking continously myself find peace in just observing the outer world from another perspective/view - hereness yourself could term it because through walking, no hast, no past present future, no goal no hurry just hurry in walking. oneself honesty here was wondering what it would be like from the view of walking instead of taking the bus or car fast and hastly pass through them but myself was not absorbed inside them and it was different quite difference with having a longer stay in beingness of Hereness with the enrionment than just zap through it. oneself honesty here enjoy when the last day of exam is finished walked to the model kits shops and staisfied my eye[i]-catching desires of models - figurized of unresponsible - power and s**ual deires[guns, dolls, planes tanks, ships] then walk into the quiet urban area to enjoy the momentary hereness of peace with and as one of the environment sort of like myself melted as one of them - momentary and it was not forced, just achieved through here not thinking or enjoying as being absorbed into as the environment naturally[oneself honesty here just realize something, dissolving myself is the key to dissolve myself into oneness honesty here, first, through disolve into once-self's body and then on the environment and participate objects that involved in the moment and dissolve myself into the breathe like yourself though yourself is a pill so once-self manifest a pill form once-self accept and allow dissolve into a cup of water then once-self won't disappear but dissolve in and as what it dissolve in]. oneself honesty here tried go to game[gang] centres with class mates which was excited/fun for couple of hours but afterwards the opposite balance beingness of tiredness/exhaustness and emptyness strike and rise up inside myself and until one year myself finally gave up and that experience wasn't that exactly fun.

Oneself here honesty forgive oneself here honesty for accepting and allowing oneself here honesty not realize dissolve is the [thi]d-is-solve but hanged on to concentrated as a concrete pill while the walking in and being hereness of dissolve to the environment is a hit to oneself here honesty and oneself here honesty didn't realize that and myself didn't/afraid of d-is-solve myself into oneself here honesty.

Oneself honesty here forgive oneself here honesty for accepting and allowing oneself here honesty treating the picture of TV as a source of stimulation and not being one and equal taking it and whatever emotion involved as part of oneself honesty here.

Oneself honesty here forgive oneself honesty here for accepted and allowed onself honesty here for not realizing it is through the act of s** and mast****tion that it is once-self pursuiting the experience of what the opposite sex is experiencing while keeping what myself is experiencing together as beingness of completeness but not realize oneself honesty here is the d-is-solve.

Onself honesty here forgive oneself honesty here for accepted and allowed onself honesty here for wanted to have priviletge treating of enslaving other current separated selfs as manifested by all sorts of dishonesty covered up by wisdom, experience and manipulations through system through money through unresponsible power in the system hiarchy that exist both outside and inside with oneself honesty here.

Oneself honesty here forgive oneself honesty here for accepting and allowing oneself honesty here to bend myself to the system that oneself created and accumulate anger inside myself both obey bend torture and enjoy through as separated oneself here, hence oneself honesty here a total fu**ed up of swapping lifes among lives - meaningless and not enjoyingly or lostly.

Oneself honesty here forgive oneself honesty here for accepting and allowing oneself honesty here to fought any systems in any form to consolidate the systems, instead of d-is-solve myself in oneself honesty here and direct systems as included in oneself honesty here.

Oneself honesty here forgive oneself honesty here for accepting and allowing oneself honesty here for spiteful to authoritative figures like some teachers, head masters, father, relatives that enforce their authorities on myself because they 'like' to and can do it that way, and myself copy those unconditionally as a technique for an eye for an eye in the future pay back not realizing it is myself that oneself honesty here create such events for myself to equilibriumly experience through act/accepted and allowed.

Oneself honesty here forgive oneself honesty here for accepting and allowing oneself honesty here for Only pursuit and satisfy the momentary lost in the eye[i] of consciousness catching stuffs as manifested as model kits and figures in form of unresponsible power/domination, force of authoritative to bend others separated self and pursuit of s** and mast****tion not realized that hint of d-is-solve into the hereness of environment as existence as oneself honesty here is the source and joy.

Friday, May 29, 2009

Myself Forgiving Myself instead of I forgive myself

So, have been feel like through the mind and going on some roller coaster ride again. i mean, changing switching from one approach to another approach. Simplicity, it is quite Powerful when i was simplifying thing inside me[that make sense too if you complicate things and treat that as the right way or cool then you manifest complexities for yourself in your reality including your process and if you aim/having simplicity inside you you manifest simplicity and simplify as reflected on the outside reality including your/my process, how simple and myself didn't realize that!]besides, it is the mind that make/like things to be complicated myself presume the more complicated means more separation, else it wouldn't be defined and termed as complicated. being Simplicity itself is quite like a child being reborn again, when mySelf is as simplicity myself feels simple joy and like when i was a child experiencing quantum time learning/realizing myself recall when myself's a child, myself just view this world and knowledge so simple and everything myself learned was simple and fast - very fast. when myself read books[myself really enjoy reading then] myself is unfearful, uncomplicated totally embracing whatever is written in it and use myself's simplicity to embrace[termed as one and equally - myself realize now here]whatever myself read, myself see/touch/smell. when myself and mybrother went inside the shops we were 'embracing' the jackets[u know, lots of jackets for sale] and we enjoyed this so much but our mother/father[usually mother] feel embarrassing and hit us as hard as she can to stop us continue doing the unconditional embracing with the jackets - hence fu**ed us with the implanting of systems[|o| no one but ourselves/myself is to blame for her manifested behavior]. once yourself is implanted with the fear of being hit again[mainly]/there must be something wrong with myself's acts of unconditional enjoying embracing with the jackets/anything that ourself find interesting the consequence is myself begins build up a nutshell around myself - gradually and ultimately totally Shield myself up and what myself has learned to survive is not stop doing embracing with the jackets, Only, myself stop embracing with everything unconditionally that myself find interested in|o|. Embracing is from the perspective that myself/oneself wants to feel/touch/smell so bad that like the [referred as Dead]objects is Legitimately/of course they are Real/Alive/a being - yes, when myself/ourself is small as a child ourself don't treat everything like what ourselve through the systems as the mind when grown up just Use/Employ/Enslave/Control/Manipulate whatever around ourself, ourself as a child treat/view everything around us as alive/as a being in Desteni's term and this is unquestionable/no need to doubt or to question it just is and should be that way. when myself/ourself as a child ourself don't Listen to our parentself/what they told ourself our gut/Common Sense told ourself the other way around and ourself only stick with ourself's Instincts myself presume oneself can call it that way - ourself were totally ourSelf's way not Our Way as through the mind even if that exist within ourself myself would presume/recall it was working at a minimal level. Well, when myself refer this statement myself perceive it from a starting point of generally, some childrenSelf are more ealy infused/being copied/thrown by their parents for early systematic/temper/bully system[s] implants.

So, Simplicity. it is not bad, mostly, except when applying on watching porns|o| in that causing myself some difficulties at the moment. when things simplified it also means Direct/Instantaneous when myself apply it on testing on porns. should myself gradually apply simplicity in a correct way but currently it does have difficulties for myself in regarding to energetic reactions. Simplicity it the way to manifest[myself mean how it seems like trival point but can have so much effects on my/our process and myself missed that until now here! what ourself give attention to Manifest outwards in ourReality and things that we participated. myself mean, point /show ourself one thing that is not complicated equated as degree of separation inside that thing and the situation is the so called technologies are making things more and more separated inside hence as complicated through ourself through our mind!]

Ok, some of ourself might presume myself is making myself out of normal/like to be noticed by others for mentioning so many Self[s]. actually no, and yes myself switching to using Self to refer to i, you or we. myself's story is this. myself have been having difficulties in forgiving the thoughts floating out of deliberately hurting/harming myself[see myself know when to use the word mySelf, i didn't use harming me! it is still a mind associated word, when it comes to excitement/energetic excitements/s**, mast****tion as Ejection of Life/Life Essence inside us it is the me, i that experience, when it comes pains/suffering/harming/hurting it is mySelf] that haunted me for weeks/more that whenever myself wake up it was like a movie that yourself's tied up and Must have playing all around until myself get off the bed, then when myself's cooking/eating whatever myself do they haunted me|o| [still do but at a lesser degree]. so myself was 'waiting' for the answers or way out myself was like - i wasn't in the right track, they are showing me, would there be more efficient ways to handle them? no loop thinking just observing/slow down the process and wait. was like that every morning. suddenly, this pops out. why 'I' then forgive myself for accepted and allowed myself? how about MySelf forgive MySelf for accepted and allowed MySelf? it sounds very akward at first and difficult to adjust, but myself means would that be more Concurrent and step closer to Oneness and Equally? why[from my current definition of I as Consciousness I] consciousness I to forgive mySelf but not MySelf forgive Myself as what mySelf's true Intention? so myself starts applying that and myself instantly feeling more Release than before [in the solar plexes area, mainly] the reappearance of thoughts are not as Vivid as before so myself continue with all sorts of things violence/bloody scenes/action movies/r**e fantasies[myself means that Horror of thoughts/gratitude from the point of reflecting what we trully are is youself, currently for me at least, totally have no control of when they will pop out]. at least, myself got 20 to 30mins of relative peace before myself got out of bed to feed my physical body else myself would be lying for more. that's myself's experience and if this manifested experience has some meaning for yourself as yourself's reflection as if youself is reading it now here.

Myself forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to delve into complexities as degree of separation inside the solutions and hence manifest complexities in ourself's/myself's reality instead of realizing what myself attended to manifest including out flowed on my process and everything myself involved in reality.

Myself forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to afraid of myself's parentSelf hitting and throwing of their angry to myself and create a shell to shield myself up totally not standing up but crowed accepted and allowed myself to be week and there was nothing myself can do and gave up unconditionally embracing everything being one and equal with and morphing myself live as them assimilate myself as themselve to yield myself for as systems.

Myself forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame myself's parentSelf as the cause of their throwing of their own emotional problems to myself as a child as it was their faults that make the now here of myself but not realize everything outward is plainly reflecting myself's inwards. it wasn't their faults of acts but the fault of myself accepted and allowed in before to cause their manifested acts, in some sense they are innocent in their acts.

Myself forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to deceive/use/employ/enslave/control/manipulate whatever around ourself to satisfy my Pleasure never myself's Pleasure instead of from a starting point of achieving something goaling for common good in sense of working on something for co-existence and manifested outwards as what grown ups do.

Myself forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to stop and 'enjoy' at the stimulation level of pictorial porn but not enjoy stepping further through myself instead of me realizing there is more and keep furthering back to the journey to myself's source inwards and not just defined by that stage of beingness and stopped/halted and 'enjoy' the illusion of stimulation of ejection of Life/Life Essence through stimulation.

Myself forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame the thoughts/want to get rid of the horror thoughts but not face my thoughts observe and 'look' inside myself for solutions. thoughts are mirrors that assist myself in revealing what myself have within myself similar to the outer world in a sense they are neutral mirrors around myself. it is myself that need to 'look' for solutions not push them away and pretend myself's clean and nice.

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Life-Honesty in everything i do, Here-Honesty and Self-Honest in Alone

Just face it/find out out that i haven't been Self-Honest. i used all sorts of excuse like the system demon's video quoting his saying of my limited realization of what Self-Honesty is and cannot be defined[he's right i didn't see his perspective then] and equated as not being/hiding away from being Self-Honest. i was Self-Dishonest to myself all the way. |o|. yes, Self-Honesty cannot be defined because once it is defined/equivalent to be 'bounded' as Separated and that would not be Self-Honesty anymore because in Self-Honesty every form of Life in Existence is undefined and oneness equally as far as i realize so far but that i use it to justify as Self-Honesty is not definable and i was waiting for the right time until i can 'define' Self-Honesty. i tried Self-Honesty a few weeks ago, i feel hysteria but not based on oneness and Al[l]one not that i don't want to but like me though my mind get hysteria and become in self-centered hysteria not life centred so to speak. Self-Honesty is like the beingness/one way tool for me to express, bring mySelf there like through Self-Honesty there 'should' be always words to type and not like through the mind that 'now what? what should i type next?' ... all sorts of considerations and processing. i know Self is the way of expressing me - the true me to/through the words but i missed the Self-Honest as a tool/bridge to transport me - Self to as the words, similar to that.

It quite make sense in this way of seeing it, why would someone have noting to say? [i didn't see that until now here] when what he says is himself through self as self showing through as the words? Self always exist in that moment Self should just flow out 'endlessly' like but i missed the key point - Self-Honesty and Self was still locked up inside. from Self-Honesty should further step up to Life Honesty i presume that's why i abused Self-Honesty as self interested Honesty ... it is the bound of my current definition of Self and Life into Self as Life. Life-Honesty/Here Honesty is something that i just pop out in my head. i am/we are also being self-dishonest on being Here while it is the true beingness of us as far as i realize. it should be easier to handle things if i am Life-Honesty to avoid confusion with my ambiguous meaning of Self. i mean yes they are correct in saying Self as Life Here it is just my definitions.

So, in Life-Honesty i consider me as part of Life to act for the moments. like considering everything and effects for my acts on earth, nature, the chair that i am sitting, the keyboard everything i mean i have tried on self-honesty, to calculate everything in a split of seconds are 'difficult' and i was just 'having the idea' that you can't even 'ask' Life for can i do this |o| for that would be desires|o| and we cannot have desires|o|. however, it is not a totally sad emptiness future as Mykey's most insightful sentence to me 'i am the canvas and it is giving up nothing for everything'. i haven't truly realized that yet but yes, my common sense tells me so far everything in Desteni makes sense and it is working on mySelf and i am starting to see the difference for instance through mind and as Self. Translating did help me further 'imprint' what is being said that's why i see and especially work on Bernard's articles, they are so concise and yet profound in covering things in many aspects and i would recommend for the readers to come to read. i am not saying other beings are not worth reading but from my current state of chinese typings and working progress, i am not ready to translate them for the readers yet. i pick the most effective articles i see in causing worthiness/effects on to the public readers and i hold responsibilities for the words that i translate, yes, people misunderstood because of what they accepted and allowed in the past but i would like to Reflect them back the best i could, i am also creating my future events so to speak. if they 'allow' me to mislead them i am also creating the 'mislead' for me |o|... reminds me about Matrix III, when neo and the father matrix [|o| i was typing Master] speaks, he give all the answers but you don't know what the F*** he's talking about no matter how many times[as veno suggested] i re-watch that clip, it was just few minutes and he explained 'a lot'...typical even put the answer right in front of you and you won't even know what is means|o| how deceive and Self-Dishonest have we manifest to. he keeps saying Balance i was totally hey-wired now here i get what he means of Balance |o| ... everything begins when the balance was 'knocked off'[the initiate of the Big Bang i presume you can call it that way] and forgot through this long trip every being keep on shifting/pursuing to the Positive end and nobody wants to be the Negative end but the fact is both ends are the same - it's the same Life fragmented as Self. like we are naughty children and balance is the parent showing us with consequences. we keep looking ways to solve/improve our fantasy life but yet missed/have not consider it could/is the minors inside us like our accepted and allowed/thoughts that accumulate and manifest.

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

No it is not Sex/Masturbation it is through and the Ejection you Aiming at

After reading Bernard's article of Can one Word be trapped? it was like a wake up call for me that tells everything that i have been pursuing for 'so long' and i didn't realize. it is the 'Stimulation' that i/we are looking for that construct this whole world/universe that built around and operated by it. i missed this point of how to put it out in words[of course not as much detailed as Bernard has put it] i 'feel' something but not able to put it in an organized way and not deep enough. when i was translating i came up with something, i realize that it is the process of simulating but was not the ultimate that we are looking for it is the Ejection that i/we are looking for. i mean look why do we want to keep/elongate the process of sex/masturbation the moment of burst[all sorts of fantasies, drugs whatever means you can find/imagine of], people want to stay in the moment of ecstasy as long as they can. in s** and mastur****** it is the process and if no Ejection occurred it is not the same thing any more[at all]. when i watched the hentai animations all sorts of rear fantacies were presented, i mean, this has 'trapped' me for sometimes, why would me as a man get reacted to a girl's brea** squeezing mi**, why would p**ing these all don't make Common Sense and what i am looking for through these that i am enslaved? it is not as a 'Thinking' base but just Self observing staying in my breathe and in Here waiting for an answer. what i have few days ago was ok the nipp*** are constructed similar to a penis and the woman/man have similar feelings and that's all i still can't realize why i was enslaved to have automatic Reactions to energetic surges. so when i was translating fragments of few scenes come up and suddenly the word - Ejection come up and things become elaborate/clear. it is not 'exactly' the stimulation that we want to experience to build up but for the purpose of achieving Ejection. the escasy that you like to experience as long as you can is [in my way of seeing it] in fact being able to Eject as long as you can and you experience through it [together with your systems]. this apply to both man and woman, the pursuit of having a baby and able produce mi**, rubbing[both on male and female]- what for? Ejection, when you pee the comfortable feeling that you feel - Ejection, why SM why stimulate, tied up, humiliation? most people just enjoy through it but not asking through Self why they are Enslaved by it, how about making the person more stimulated ultimately for Ejection and the viewer Resonance through viewing and bound a relationship to it, squeezing male/femal sensitive body parts but what for? ultimately if yourSelf break down the whole process slowly - it is for Ejection whether Energetically/Physically.

This also can apply to many other daily activities that we involve in for instance, typing - to feel cool or comfortable, i/we type[as a matter of fact it feels similar to mastur****/s**] very fast but this fast is not exactly haste that we were enjoying but the 'Shoot out feeling' inside us through typing that we experience the type of Ejections that keep happening while we type that makes us feel 'Good'. Movies, no matter how Exciting/Great the movie is if the ending is an open ended ?/the ending screwed everything up and ends Unstimulated at all i/we feel a great deal is missing in the process or Angry but what are we angry for/what is missing? the Ejection inside us. when i/we are driving we feel high/'comfortable' but we don't understand why, could it also be Ejection that we constantly experiencing and thought it was driving that we were pursuing? and the food that we eat, it is of course the energy and energetic feeling that satisfy us but i have consider it is also another form of 'Slow' Ejection inside me. we are participating all these but not clear of what we are looking for inside. why do we like to Talk? we are 'Ejecting' the words out not speaking them that makes we Energized/Excited.

All these activities when we take the Ejection/Ejecting part out the nature of doing it/the experience through it is quite different. how? i mySelf become as the Ejection itself and stay calm. when typing, being Ejection itself sort of like slow the Ejection down whenever it going to hyper mode sort of keep me from 'Losing Tracks' like a train when i type fast. when eating, without/being Ejection itself almost doesn't feel much during eating while in the past i will feel the tastes of it[like msg/sour]. when i speak and myself as Ejection, words are more 'clear'/calm and this calm is not achieved through suppression. when aroused in the pelvic area i become as Ejection itself and stop, the energetic surges inside seems 'lost' the purpose of accumulate inside and stopped. in what i perceive the definition of Ejection is shooting[sometimes quickly sometimes slowly] from a Accumulated Point to a Not Enough Area and we experience 'Joy' through this? it doesn't make Common Sense if you have realized the in and outs of s** and mastur****** like me through the application of Ejection. it makes more sense from a Systematic Pre-programmed way of 'Joy' and we experienced through it.

This is just what i observed this afternoon so haven't done extensive tests/applications on myself but i am already more than eager to share this 'finding' with you guys, someone might find it useful.

History 2.

So my father is always for control, domination, money, wine and s**[when he's younger and this part i 'fully' copy it from him] would have much materialistic enjoyments or care involved[i didn't know awareing of Self back then, actually from what i see it now based on how i feel when i am aware of Self this could make quite difference if i fulfill me this way]. my brother grow up become pursuing materialistic and if he can't obtain money through our parents he secretly work for it. and yes one more thing, my father is the type that he was a soldier before so he is god and he is always right and you obey him unconditionally. like once, he lost money in the clinic that he worked in[he later find out it is his co-worker duplicated his key while he's sleeping there and opened his drawer and take the money away] he presume it 'must' be us and beat us up almost like as a punching bag for throwing his anger inside in the name of teaching us and we were maybe 7, 10 or 12 somewhere there and we have no choice at all but to 'confess'. and whenever we make mistakes or even for 'nothing' just for the purpose of 'educate' you be a better person, we will be treated like animals to brainwashed or whatever ways you call it to write hundreds of times 'i will not do bla bla bal' or 'i will be doing bla bla bla' and can't go to sleep until finish. he called it military style training to 'strengthen you' more like a torturing enjoyment to throw out his anger to me/us. i mean, i were small but i know he accumulated all his anger inside through his works. so our lifes are like living under the name of fear me. he does reason to you at all he just control to make him feel comfortable. like when we were small he need to have s** with my mom, he will say you children made a mistakes so here is your punishment go to the room locked up for couple of hours why both? there is no need for reasons. later weeks there is no need/he can't wait for you to make mistakes, just locked you both up. through this type domination, control and fear me that makes us or at least me to adapt to survive and through this process i become numb and closed to my own world. in what i recall it now, partly maybe i was obsessed in mast*****ion is because it's the first time i really feel 'released' through the ejection inside me but in the real-world i cannot experience such 'feeling'/manifestation. so to survive, the most effective and easy way is to become the one that control you learn/copy from him and make it your own weapon|o|. i observe/practice my so called wisdom on reading people's mind inside/manipulation [for protective purpose] and controlling others [thankfully mostly for protective purpose for what i can recall, i was built-in/essence believe there is a consequence for every act that you make and i Common Sense/Instinctively believe else things won't Balance of course not as Details and Astonishing as Desteni's Presented]

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed delved into the materialistic Ejection experience as reflected by my brother.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to use whatever means to gain/prostitute for money even in secrecy.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to blame others that are subject to me and beat them up as my punching bag and throw all my anger to them to make them bend and yield to my believe or my way.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to torture/throw my problems to people subject to me in the name of disguised as for their own good/to make their future sustainable.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to enjoy people worship me and appreciate me.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to enjoy watching people being tortured and self-dishonest as 'it is for their own future good' but it is i dominate you and can control you of the ego of system.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to enjoy manipulating people and watching people fall from my hoax and feel hilarious not realizing i am manipulating myself in fact.

Sunday, May 24, 2009

Self motivating - Waking Self up inside the Temple

Until last night i didn't realize that whatever i was doing is not Self directed but mind directed. i have been like that but i didn't realize myself. when operated by Self it is totally different, and i don't think i just let Self flow out. also, thoughts become less frequent in picture form showing in my mind. it feels like being a child again. when i was watching the porn animation videos again, i was less reactive when i stick with being Self-Experienced [instead of self experienced through the mind] and stay in my breathe. images become less 'meaningful/hot' as before and then i did find out what i was experiencing was 'second hand' feelings that was pre-programmed to be that way. being to Realize how come children don't feel and [like i was a child too] do not see s** or mastur**** as interested i presume from what i realize is they are operating by Self not through mind As Self. the urge for energetic higher beingness is not Self it is the mind systems through Self. when you push Self[NOT fight against the mind, no Fighting at all, do not Recognize it is More than yourSelf] to Stand Up and Experience and Take your Control back in every moment. i am not totally clear from the mind yet but results are satisfying. so that is the reason why this world is created through the Mind instead of through Self.

It is like why Experience it through the mind as a second hand experience but not Self. mind is an energetic hungry pre-programmed beast that feed itself through s** and mastur****** and look for next Higher level of whatever you are pursuing[sex, torture, explosion, horror, shopping you name it] for the same amount of Energetic Higher Beingness because it get bored whenever it is feed. it is a dead end - no way out road for whoever have experienced that path and use Self Common Sense to Observe and they can find out it is like what i have said above. for example, porns, when you have finished reading it for first or couple of time it's value dropped drastically. the experience of Self is quite different, what Self experience is relatively constant/stable to what it's like/dislike and what i have observe/feel so far it likes Life and maybe happiness but this happiness is not an External Stimulated Energetic Highness and one more thing Self don't operate through Energy so there is no Surges that arouse inside of you and i keeping mySelf up and running[my business] in whatever i do - eating, breathing, walking, watching, reading, typing or speaking. don't leave Home without Self's participation and let Self Directly interact, feel and experience instead of within and as the mind to experience. in that way, operating through mind/thoughts/systems become as expressing and experiencing Directly through as Self. Self Live not through mind self hence live.

My History 1.

My father is a traditional i presume you can call him selfish, only aim for money, s**'s, wine and control of other family members'[almost everyone dislike him] person. he was married before and have a son which is my half-brother divorced. all my father's side relatives has a common characteristics is they like to speak in ways to look you down to make you feel less than them and they hence feel better inside which is very discouraging and pointless way of making themselves comfortable. in what i see is my father won't feel secure and safe until he has something in controlling his surroundings that he's the dominator of the whole scenario in everything especially money else he can't sleep well. in my observation and presume, me and my brother's main purpose of came through him is to dominate my mother so she won't have spare time to social with her friends/leave him since she has children now. grow in such family i learned/downloaded the methods to survive quickly including through manipulating my little brother like lying, deceiving fight for toys resources. in the process gradually i am not mySelf anymore i hide it inside a shell for survive for enjoy as much as i can and take as few whipping punishments as i can or sometimes as Bernard's Mother Fu**** article has mentioned inside i don't react just numb because i can't fight back.

There are numerous times that i told myself how wonderful it would be if i don't have a brother that we always just fight for 'resources' like food and limited toys. i suppressed so much inside me whenever i was punished for unreasonably and being suppressed by my father [he just likes being the dominator figure in the house in every moment] i have told myself numerous times that when i grow up 'then' you all will see for spitefulness/revenge when i become the dominator[i didn't know/'recalled' the truth of Equilibrium at that time and always though what i see/act since i was born is i am a justified person and look for fairness]. so many times i tried not to speak with my family for the spitefulness inside me is so huge that i can 'continue' for maybe 3 days.

My relationship with my half-brother is not well neither. i mean, i cried several times for 'dislike' him for at that time i didn't know all these from Desteni i was only concentrating on how i feel and it doesn't feel good for having someone all of a sudden like when i was thirteen and being told that this so called brother is your half-brother[my father lied this to my mother too until when they have decided to marry 'then' he told her] and i was i like my old family back. it is so horrible that whenever you/i have a common target you/i will form all sorts of alliance - automatically. of course my-half brother was pleasing my father [with his later on having 2 sons and have earned money through gangsters related business - that we only later know when he was murdered]and he enjoys the pulling strings at the back of using both sides to 'show off' between my mom and my half-brother's sides. it was a mess.

I forgive myself that i haven't allowed mySelf to take control of my actions, expressions and just live through my mind to experience as a observer and let the mind/systems takes control and care of my interactions to the world.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed mySelf to hide in wine, being selfish, dominating and control others around me in whatever means possible/can think of to fulfill my own interest and fell secure as what my father has reflected to show me.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed mySelf to enjoy deliberately spitting poisonous words to make people around me shame, angry to look down on them and hence i feel comfortable in this world that if i don't feel happy and i make other people around me unhappy to feel 'more' happy and comfortable inside which as shown by my father side's relatives to reflect me inside.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed mySelf to be spiteful to my family - my father, mother and big and little brother and the my family's relatives blaming them for 'causing' my experience of events caused by/through them that it is the reverse that i/mySelf caused all these to happen through accepting and allowing inside mySelf within to cause the equilibrium to happen and i experience what i accepted and allowed - the consequences.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed mySelf to enjoy being a dominator and can hence throw whatever my uncomfortableness inside and totally exert on another person - another Self.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to enjoy in separation and my own little warm family circle and wanted to exclude my brother out of my life - forever and pretends that all my problems will be solved not realizing it is me that's causing these problems to manifest in my life[s].

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to enjoy dominating others and absolute control and the pursuit of materialism satisfactions outside of mySelf as Life Here.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to form alliances for self interest to fight for common enemy/targets for common interest and manipulating others for domination and self satisfaction that which i fight with my past and generate my future with the same events but not realized that there is no enemy to fight for since every thing in existence is Self part of life.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to play the 'show off' to others or play the manipulating games for controlling people around me as reflected by my father.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to delve into the material outside world through obtaining money even through gansters in ignoring how the public/other selfs will become and the consequences of the gansters' actions but only me and my own self enjoyments not considering life as a principled living motivation as reflected by what my half-brother did.

Friday, May 22, 2009

Self as Life Here

So, have change the direction again and this time is Self as Life Here. i will write with breathe and hear as Life Here and see would there be any difference. from translating the Drugs articles in the FAQ section, i realize something this time which lately i found that my approach before was from a perspective of just Reading and Understanding, not realizing in participating with the words as Winged has mentioned to make me realized and that was not efficient. it makes me understand the important of participation as being it mySelf and realize it hence Real-alize as my expression that counts. so, staying in understanding is separation as knowledge accept and allow based on oneness and equally and become as it as an self expression that is the way/key. i am like having lived many many 'lifes' and until now - here that i finally having some insights of what/how i created myself how i become of what i am now - here. what i mean is, look back at when i was a child, i wasn't obsessed to profound s**ual desires of more and deeper each time i was 'energized/so called satisfied', i 'enjoy/l**e' life - all sorts of them animals/plants, i like being with other children[not a protective full of scares system bag as i am now here] and i become as what i am now here without i actively realized it - gradually bit by bit. through movies, pron and outer stimulations/all sorts of glamorous goods in the outer world. and be Self-Honest if i can become as the likeness of what i currently being/as it is very likely that i will do the same with if i have any children of my own|o|.

Stimulation/Excitements/S**ual or Mast****te Desire is part of self as a form of System Beast that can consume you quick and efficiently if you are not in every moment of what you Accept/Allow inside you. the 'bad' of it is not the satisfaction that you feel the first time but the continuous asking for More however the same magnitude of pictures/sounds/feelings don't give you the same stimulations anymore - you get bored/tired of the same stuff so to speak and you go deeper and deeper and more torturing/bloody/explosion/horror scenes and sounds to stimulate your 'Excitement System'[very much like drugs] and in the process you Accepted and Allowed yourself to be programmed in pursuing of the Outer World which is just a few drop of water to quell the 'Higher Energetic Stage of Self through system Beingness' and before long enough you pursuit for the same 'feeling' again through deeper and more torturing/bloody/explosion/horror by all means you can calculate/think/dig out from. That IS a ENDLESS PIT only now here that i realize that and has to be Sorted out. in the Programming process we lost the focus on the enjoyment of Breathe as Self as Life Here and ignoring the existence and keep pursuing our own Excitement/Higher Energetic Beingness - madly. no ki**er/ra**st/chi** mole**** were born like that, no one[at least i don't] proclaim they aim at being a torturing/bloody/explosion/horror addict most of them if not all begin with 'no way i won't become those perverts i know myself can control myself' yet that was just an underestimated statement for the beginning of 'Accepted and Allowed diverting from Life Here as Existence's process of programming self to Pursuit of Energetic Excitement/Higher Beingness' and this is a summarized statement of how we have become and reflected in our outer Madness World.

Is there Life Here in the RollerCoaster? no we just built some more Excited ones to stimulate us even more. is there Self as Life Here in S** and Mast****tion? no, we just robotically doing in pursuing whatever means to achieve more and Higher Energetic Beingness through system as us - no Life Here involved as we don't even care for the symptoms/signals that our body has 'told' us he/she can't sustain more and need a rest. Is there Life Here in the food that we eat? no, same here MSG for Higher Energetic Excitement Beingness. the movies, no Life Here inside just more and more Pervert Stimulations. in what i realize is it is not the things that we participate in but the Nature of why we are participating it For - what we were are at through the Participation. Ultimately these all will need to be Transcended if not give up but hey i mean what you accepted and allowed you gradually become that as yourself and a BONUS how you treat Existence is how you will be Treated in your Up Coming days in your Future.

Add/Accept and Allow Self as [All]Life Here as Existence in everything you participate and ultimately that will Manifest and current accepted and allowed madness stop. Start Enjoy Appreciate and Participate Self as Life Here as Existence in every moment. while you eat, sleep, write, read/realize, act ... to name a few.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to pursuit of outer World Higher Energetic Beingness instead of Self as Life Here.

I forgive myself that i haven't allowed myself to realize what i accept and allowed in me will manifest me being as that in that direction being one and euqual to it gradually.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed ignoring self as Life Here and pursuit my own Energetic Higer Beingness and ignore everything else around me including the thoughts/my body/nature/animals/earth - petroleum/electricity while they are part of me and i am part of them in oneness but i haven't realized.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed the pursuit of Higher Energetic Beingness and gradually become obsessed in torturing/bloody/horror scenes and sounds to generate more and more Energy through the sacrifice of my Physial Body Matter converted to energy to satisfy me through as the mind/systems.

I forgive myself that i haven't allowed myself to realize that sex, masturbation and higher energetic beingness known as excitements is a Endless Pit and no Exit no End no Solution just delve in deeper and next time more and more for the same level of stimulated excitements and not realized that Self as Life Here IS the Solution that i am searching for but i was not Awareing of it in my every moments.

I forgive myself that i haven't allowed myself to realize that every thoughts/acts/not acts have consequences and i will experience myself as how i treat existence know currently as others.

I forgive myself that i haven't allowed myself to realize that i was un-awareingly walking to the path of a Higher Energetic Beingness Pervert through accepted and allowed through thoughts and acts to the road of becoming a killer/rapist/molester and i stop now here before it is too late.

I forgive myself that i haven't accepted and allowed myself to perform, operate, process, enjoy, excited about, being as Self as Life Here as Existence.

Thursday, May 21, 2009

Self Being Sound Expression inside intead of Energetic based

I have written something like this before. it is caused by this, my mom was reflecting i have rude and ignoring any physical objects/insects except myself/herself inside and live by energetic surges. we were cooking and she got rushed and hyper like slamming fridge/dropping food containers/slamming cabinet doors and i with a starting point that 'like to' remind her that what 'her[/which is me until i realize now when coming back to low energetic surge mode]' is Treating is actually 'planning and designing' her future lives maybe. she gets annoyed and smacked at me for being mumbling all around [my Self-Forgiveness] and crazy and told me to look at the mirror at what i am right now[to me, totally systematic ego speech - which is me operating through my ego]. ok, so all sorts of energetic surges comes up but i keep reminding myself she's showing me what i have inside/my past treating others and don't fight with her and others as Myself else things are just going to compound. it was temping to 'fall' back to energetic mode and express the uncomfortable feelings inside but i remind myself that is not the solution - once and for all and it was temping to judge[i was judging again] from the past few minutes of what happened between me and her and forgot about everything i have realized so far - because it was un-cool to have energetic/angry resonating inside you. she stick with her old believes and ego is what i am doing exactly the same.

Why i would repost topic about Self being/as Sound Expression, what i realized from this conflict is i am not yet living in/by Sound Expression yet and still in energetic mode, for instance, mind, s**ual aroused, angry, frustration and even tired these are all energetic based. words, self, physical subjects these are all Sound Expression based. we feel comfortable is not comfortable itself, it is the energetic surge of comfortable rise up and we feel comfortable[through the mind i presume hence it is the mind feeling comfortable]. so, if i can aroused by/through/as sound/sound Expressions operate and being as it. i have tried being one and equal with the energetic flow in the pelvic area but it currently keeps coming back and not yet switched/transcended to by sound expression. of course the point that need to remember is i am Sound Expression but also one and equal to another and view/treating any other things that i interact/consume/breathe in as me. Self as Sound Expression Existence. it is now here that i realize why winged's article is so difficult to realize and she can write so much so much in one article - it was not through the mind as energetic flow, it was sound based and pure sound expression interactions, need to use Self as Sound Expression to Realize. same as s**ual desire/arouse, it was not picture or sound[well it involves sound] that we are pursuing, it was the Energetic Surge/Flow insie us through the Actions Postured, figure that we are pursuing and once we get used to that, we delve in Deeper and More Various Excitements and Switching Subjects/Targets until what we presume those favours only happen to Perverts/Sicked and unconsciously/gradually we became the [another]Perverts and Sicked himself but we become it so much delved in and can't live without the Energetic Surge/Feelings however, we ask for more through more torturous designs/events/visual images[which is a disguise] it is the causing of Energetic Surge through s** and mas*****te systems that we are looking/pursuing for. |o| this really gives me the reason for why i need to stop and look for alternative way to express the es**tic expression through s** and mas*****tion, i mean it is a hole with no bottom and through pursuing as much energetic es**tic feeling experienced, you hurt/ignore yourself as yourbody bacteria and virus need to protect their environment which is your body so manifest/intervene to Stop what you are currently doing and you would also since accepted and allowed torturing/r*ping your own body - yourself reflects outwards into your world as gradually become a r*pist - equalized.

These are mentioned in and i realize them from the Sex, Porn and Masturbation Addiction Article from Desteni Web.

After reading Winged's article about Bacteria and Viruses as the Holy Spirit. i have realized why Bernard said it is Capitalism that is the cause of our problems |o|. we are living in what/how we treated others as ourselves/Self. in the name of Capitalism == personal Enjoyments through s** /mast****tion and money enslaving others[a very short one |o|] comes first and F*** the rest[other countries/people/animals/nature/universe] which is ourselves and we will live in how we treated others as self in our up coming days. the world is mad showing us we are mad inside, mad about s** and mast***tion's energetic surges inside and mad about enslaving ourselves as others. people as us as self need to realize Capitalism is the cause of harming and it is self that they are searching for - pursuiting directed outward that through my experience can never be satisfied for a long time at all. people need to observe and realize there is a Pay Back Time for every actions/thoughts/words that they perform/not perform - consider everything as Self equally.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be barbarian to others as myself and harming/hurting things as other selfs as self and i need to be live/experience in being treated barbarically.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to 'wanted' to stop other's reflections back to me and not seeing what i have been accepting and allowing inside me to stop the need of reflecting.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to obsessed into energetic surges which causes out of control/delving deeper and more/madness/losing control of myself instead of obsessed into sound expression as oneness as equally.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to live through the mind as ego instead of change/alternate myself for the truth of self as oneness as equally.

I forgive myself that i haven't allowed myself to realize fighting/removing my mom out of my sight is hiding and fighting with my own self/my own reflections that is not the way of dealing with the problem that is originated from me at all, instead i was blaming her for her reflections/actions.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to judge and through judging i was trying to protect me through as the mind's ego instead of realizing everything is self as me.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to hate/dislike being threw and dumped as a punching bag to collect all my mom's angry/frustrations totally being ignored and i don't like the feeling at all and tried to dump it back to her assuming her for the cause, while it is me that have done in the past to others and she's reflecting back to me and not being as sound expression and no movements inside of me as the solution and realize what i have done to others in the past.

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Self Translating[in Every Moment] instead of eg. Reading

I usually write at end of the day but this time i wonder what it is like and i should not be limited by the 'time' periods to perform what tasks. last night i was reading back some posts in Desteni after some translation works and surprisingly found out winged has reply in my Self-Forgiveness Post[it more like pieces of what i have posted here for others to see if i see there are values in assisting others] so i 'read' on, it was 'difficult' to 'understand/realize' [because i was still through Reading], even after couple of times i still not fully get what she means but i was getting something out of it that i realize/for sure. so walking a little bit inside the house after dinner then try to watch a episode of TV drama but the computer broke out[something to do with the rams it has happened before] so no drama go to mom's bed sleep next to her for a while. there, i was keeping in my breathe as usual and sort of being Here and working/trying on various methods that i have absorbed then in a moment i pay attention to it is i through translating and i becoming one and equal to the words that i read - momentary. so i begin working on 'Translating' all night, like translating my breathe, my body, Here, Darkness[which is a very warm and exciting feeling/beingness], Self-Forgiveness, Self-Honesty or even my mind and so on...

It is a funny experience, that through you Translating 'things' you have more vivid beingness of that subject instead of just a mere 'understanding' on the surface. it doesn't matter for the results[for at this stage i presume] it is the process of you translating that subject to bring you to that subject and being one and equal to it because for you able to 'translate' you have to/sort of 'required' to in the translating process being it 'First' then/or else you won't be able to Translate it out through you. this is quite a big difference between you realize through Translating than Reading/Watching[which i presume as translating through the mind and you experience the results] so it is not just words/articles that you can translate for instance, you can even translate words itself and common sensely one day you will become the words - the living words.

So, this morning i added the Self in front to become Self-Translating whatever i participate into. whether i am cooking, walking, eating or so i translate my actions through self - continuously and of course while keeping the 4 count Breathe. it is quite different than what i usually do that i tend to forget afte awhile, which when Self-Translating the imprints are still vivid that i can Recall it even now for what i have done this morning but i am still in my breathe here and that was not possible since in the past whenever i was concentrating on my breathe all my functionalities inside halted/stopped and i become rigid inside just hanging on the breathe. in my realization so far, it doesn't matter if your bi-lingual or not even in your own language you can still 'Self-Translate' whatever around you because the point is/could be 'Self-Translate' or 'mind - translate' that matters. Self-Translate is a way of beingness not just only applicable in translation works. when i 'Self-Translate' Sunette's reply and 'The Chronicles of Jesus' article, i at least 2 times more realize than last night/when i have read them in the past.

one thing i find interesting in practical application is for instance when your s**ualy aroused, you Self-Translate the arousal itself, keep Translating it and it will quell quite quickly. i haven't encountered other situations yet but i presume Self-Translating works on Anger and Frustrations too.

Still currently have some troubles in arranging interactions of everything in my outer world effectively. what i mean is for every actions, eat, type, sit on a chair, driving car, breathe i am taking other form of me's advantages and i am creating my future as them. no body wants to suffer but for these trade offs that i currently needed to live who and how should i arrange my future 'pay backs' through my current takings from my surroundings? |o|, this sometimes makes me confused even when i walk on the ground. Nothing can be taken for granted.

Sunday, May 17, 2009

One and Equal of Awareing of Self-Honesty Here and Living Word

So have been employing one and equal as Awareing of Self-Honesty Here all day. Pretty ok so far, at least i haven't realized i was thinking. i am staying in my breathe but sometimes, i wasn't concentrating on it but it still keeping the four count breathe sequence. whenever i don't know what to type or so called 'searching/waiting for Here' i just reinforce my Awareing of Self-Honesty Here and wait for the answers, no looping in thinking. sometimes it take sometimes thought. Self-Honesty was something that i have missed been self-dishonest about and i was using the System Demons' video as an excuse of not at least working on it no matter how complicated or abstract it may seen as i should work on it and without self-honesty in it, everything was difficult and not effective.

Mom got annoying at me again today when i was told to put the flower to the back of the yard and when she watch her christian signings. of course, i was dislike for what she is doing and react being impatience in assisting her to play her files of christian songs. i realize what she's doing is superstitious, worshiping an icon, stubborn and exercising her anger on people around her like me. i can keep my treating her as another me and not exerting my anger in fighting her back, i just say the words that i am unwilling to do so but i still need to do it. |o| you cannot blame anyone/anything else it would be you blaming yourself and it is/was you that cause these consequences so you are living this life to experience so to speak pay back the consequences of your past lifes. i don't have any proves on hand - yet, but things are getting clearer and my core essence are buying what they say /maybe i haven't realized the self-proves that has happened on me.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to blame anyone which is another me that whatever happened is due to my past/present accepted and allowed inside me that causes their reflection to me to show me what did/accepted inside.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to blame my mom for exerting my anger to anyone around me when i am not happy/not comfortable it is her showing me how annoying i was when treating people as a punching bag as i like and not treating them as another me.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be superstitious and worship something like god outside me and worshiping superstitious power to gain benefits/way to lead my life so that i don't need to direct myself.

i forgive myself that i haven't realized and allowed myself to be one and mutual equlify equally with the words, my words that i am the creator and created and creation all in one because everything is self and life but not oneness and equally - yet.

i forgive myself that i haven't allowed myself to realize that this outer world is me self, my inner core is me self the mind is me self everything is life as here completeness and oneness and i was fighting my outer word events as myself for myself as the accepted and allowed creator.

AMP give me a link to translate it is Self-Honest Self Expression as Living Word, i didn't realize so much as now about what living word is, i read it before but just don't get what it means. it is words are us and we can mutual interfere ourselves through the words when we live inside the words that we speak/type of course as Bernard's mentioned in the articles not every words are acceptable as life as all as oneness equally. but hey, one can live inside the words they generate and maybe feel through it. cool and nice. need to be self-honest in the process though. so there is a new way of interpreting the Self-Forgiveness as Bruce L. said in his God of Man Self -Forgiveness Explained articles Self-Forgiveness is not just a form of communication, it is you. same as Self-Honesty is not a descriptive definition, it is how you are treating self as life as oneness and equally. lots of insights through translating articles, i wonder how is that possible.

We are Sound Expression and should be able to Operate through Sound inside

After reading Osho's reply on AlexC's Heart Attack Post, i realized that it is the nature of us - the Sound Expression that is Here and is the nature of us, not constantly Fishing from the Past Generating the Future and inside the mind. interesting, i used to ask why Here? is it because of some special Reason that being Here is Required/is the solution. at least it is a further explanation to the why of Here, it rings the bell right away from the "feeling" of how Sound is like - sound is not like energy and everything is sound expressions, sound is constructed from sound expression. currently using sound as a Transport media inside me is not a proper way of expressing what the truth is but from the current limited information |o|, information is not me but i need them as a guidance, it should be a better way of operating through my body. at least, in compare to energetic surges floating all over my body. it is so interesting to read Desteni's materials, what i mean is, somethings it take a long time to realize what the articles' talking about, i seldomly get what they mean right away but it's getting better though. sometimes, they point out things that you inside feel so right like yes this is it. when i was translating the Sex Porn and Masturbation Addiction. when i first read it, it was like what are you talking about? it is not the picture that i was aroused to masturbate? would that be crazy to say so? but now, when i have to Ponder and Realize everything into my own words, i absorb and realize what he means in the article and i slow down my experience during masturbation in the past and i found that he's right, it is not exactly because of the pictures that arouse me sometimes it is the hint of the actions and expressions of the female pictures that's expressed and message us/pretending she has the same "feeling" inside that arouse us, hence one can say we are not addicted to the picture but picture as a disguise. i presume it happens the same on porn novels - words. if one really want to delve on this topic i presume you will find the same as the pictures thus prove that it is not the pictures that got us aroused.

Also, have read a interesting post in the Chat Posts in Private Forum. Many "things/beings" have talked and summarized into a 4 pages thread. like smoke, snake tongue, flower pedal speaking insightful things/things that i don't realize/know. like they mentioned, i presume ultimately, nothing will left and everything/every being will be one and just one which is life equally. at this moment yet operating through the mind, the idea of losing uniqueness is worried. i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear oneness and equally without uniqueness. it is strange that what we fear is become a robot but the fact is we are robots already which what we believe are almost nothing is true, we are yet not real, we are yet systems and yet not life - yet. However, self is good and i didn't realized that the feeling of self is so good that you won't chase for other things on earth 'cause you know those things can only quell your thirst for a while not long enough you need to hop for another one and another one. like an addict but you never quit you can't you were looking for something to fill inside you - and as far as i know it is yourSelf actually you are looking for |o|.

Still have difficulties in coordinating my Actions in the 3D world. everything/move that you do interacts with your future. i mean, in this case, everyone would be forced to sit around all day with Self and can't do much. Like, typing, walking, cooking, sitting on chair/sofa all these have consequences, even the words that i am typing now |o|. how difficult would that be to act in this world |o| only we haven't been realized it for many years, many and many. but you still need to perform, currently still need to have some basic performances and actions like eating|o|. even when you are scratching your hair everything need to be considered as me. will not run on the ground unnecessarily |o|. lots of things/me that need to consider quickly for a simple action, and i prefer not to think. it is the way that should be but i don't realized and taking so much for granted. i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself taking air, words, water and body for granted and not consider they are the same as i do.

Friday, May 15, 2009

the Power of Give up and Transcend Suicide

Has been pretty tired today, although it exist in my mind and i am able to be one and equal with tiredness, the joints over my body do feel aching around. have been doing the translating thing, today was a hard day, i have underestimated my understanding/realization of how i view Bernard's articles. they are very precise and scholartic articles which every words are so specific that every one of them play an important role in constructing the whole sentence or paragraph. toady i was doing the Equality as Self-Expression document, it was tough many times i stared at the monitor for 10s of minutes with nothing in me 'cause i don't think anymore i just keep Give myself Up to Here and wait for the answer. however, through this process of translating i do have cleared points that i presume i was cleared which turns out i was not totally. it helps me too.

I wanted to write something about explaining to people about what Give up really means and the alternative of Transcending Give up as a Powerful tools to assist in their process when their world[|o| including mine too] falls and not take that path and prolong their and all other's process. it is a "pretended choice" of pretending suffering will end in fact the suffering will repeat. in my current view is Give up has to have a target hence what your giving up. u don't give up for nothing [/suffering] never make the give up meaningful to something. in that, you transcend/send you to become something else, that's the power of give me. like currently i am constantly working on give myself up whenever i can, when i am now typing, i Give myself Up to the words - working absolutely, totally and my words will become living words. Bernard's reply my questions of how to breathe while talking as incorporate the practices stated, practice being one and equal as darkness, give up and flow. when i first saw give up i was scared and reluctant to do so. why? 'cause like most people do have in mind, give up means giving yourself - everything you Cherish which is your core essence and lose yourself and nothing no more. until now that i realize that give up is a power tool. if you don't give up you can't transcend/send yourself to become something else[except of what you accepeted and you ultimately become of]. that's what i presume most people misunderstood/mis-realize the [true]power of Give up - to. like be one and equal to the breathe, if one doesn't give themselves up to the breathe it might be more difficult even if achievable, and when you give up you do/don't experience it through the mind while you sit inside the temple anymore. say, without give up you will always remain the same how can you change you then? like when i read now, i give myself up as much as i can if not totally into the articles as the words, maybe through my eyes. it's much faster in absorbing the materials in contrast to what i did before through the mind, at least two times faster. i feel like i am young again, i feel like when i was learning like a child. this long lost feeling was when i was so little that i presume like most children did which totally give themselves up to the things that they learn/play and become that one and equal not in contract of what we adults have become everything through thoughts and the mind which is extremely slow and uncomfortable feelings, feel like being caged down inside.

Like i have changed to consider everything as me, which to myself is a difficult and sometimes frustrating process, 'cause everything need to be treated equally as me and every act/even thoughts of me have consequence directly on me which i find so many contradictions inside that it is very difficult for me to find a equilibrium point for everything - every me to have the least suffering not to mention achieving the best outcomes. i find that the best will be to give myself - interest up and scatter me all around into Here and let life guide me 'cause i just totally currently can't handle such task. i become willing to take the consequences of the results this i can't be totally sure is the best way of doing it but i am quite sure self-interested oriented will be much worse. so, it is the applying of Give up to something in action. without give up [applying properly of course] from what i perceive now is close to no chance of float me outwards. without give up to the words, it would prolong the process of Living Words. see how powerful give up can be, i am just doing it for 1 day only haven't achieved much so far but most people did misunderstood/mis-realized[including me] the real meaning of give up and use it as an excuse. that's why i need to practice Give up - to Properly, apply it on me and so i can share/write my findings out in Desteni.

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Awareing of Life as Here as Darkness

So, it has been couple of days since i started operating in Awareness mode, whenever i got problems/things that i need to solve, i re-enforce the Awareness of myself in 'Here' and i added as 'Darkness' today. at first was enthusiastic as a child found something that's interesting and like to show it to his parents/others, later when Bella reply my chat post it seems my path need to be revised. however, one thing that i find out is with Awareness in action, things become 'more' clear and videos or articles that i Read/Watch before which was totally a mass or i got frustrated/just gave up on understanding/realizing with Awareness, things become clear, it is like your still inside the maze, before it was even worse inside a thick mist inside a maze, now with Awareness the mist is gone and clear but u still need to 'walk' the maze and that is how i would describe it.

At first, discourage appears when i saw Bella's post without much 'friends' that agree with my opinions/find outs and i was like 'not again' i need to revise my path. she gave me a link of Bernard's interview of End of Self Awareness and things started to open up. eg. the definition of self, what is Here, what is Life. for example, i have troubles in understanding/realizing why Here has everything and with all sorts of refractions and interference and space and time, how can something in Here 'is' everything in it. now, i know the point of Here and interpretation of LIfe. even refraction is life, everything is life, life means Here and Here means all as one as equal as life. and the give up, which is the give up of inequality/enslavement[s] in various form. then, i re-read Bruce L.'s Emergence of Self as Multidimensional and things opened up too, before it was like i dropped right on the first paragraph and fall on the floor of keep annoying and ask 'what the hack he's talking about? i don't get it - at all' now, with Awareness instead of thinking of the mind, things turned out like i said i still need to read it slowing to let things sink in but the Mist is gone which totally inhibit me from even find the direction or setting up a starting point inside the maze. for instance, it's the physical /the opposite that every dimensional being are now in earth in the physical that we have a chance to amalgamate being one and equal to them and when every life fragments are one and equal as the physical life as one and equal can manifest. then, further i read Lou Zou's Manifested Consequence and things also opened up. it is that i was not ABSOLUTE in my attitude to Self-Forgiveness, u don't have to shout[prefer by them though] but u have to be Determine/Absolute. makes me recall Robert Moonroe's article of saying: 'you don't understand what i mean, you want to know what i mean? drop your mind and you will see' ... i didn't realize what it is like until i have switched to Awareness Mode of Self as Here. so Here can be explained, can be realized/understood it is because everything is made of Life that when you access through Life which is Here[status of fragments of Life as one and equal] that Cause[life] + Effects[also constructed/contain of Life]+ Consequences[which also 'is' life] and when Life manifest it will be unpredictable/unknown of the result because then, we could be like transcended Cause, Effects and Consequences by then 'cause we step out of the rabbit hole! see, i presume these points are not possible through thinking - no at all from what i feel from Awareness of life/self in Here. oh, and the Regret Video also, same before was a total mess, i took what the words are into my head but nothing can be Realize/understood even in catching up of what it is talking about but u just 'know' it's interesting and 'true' that u want to keep on cracking the meanings. which also, as i perceive now, was not possible through the i perceived as thinking through the mind - without Awareness.

What i have adjusted is the Self as Life and Life Here from the Consciousness Here in a Spectrum of present, now and future. even in realizing/understanding the keys/solutions that was given by Bernard and others through the portal Awareness was needed |o| not to mention Generating these Articles, i mean and we still use thinking to solve things out that we are currently facing in 3D world, |o| do we stand any chance at all? so everything in Existence is Life, that's why every Self is life but we haven't achieved Life-Awareness yet. the feeling of Awareness is when you have experienced it, you wouldn't want to go back for the pointless looping of robotic/thinking which we all so preciously gripping hanged on to. before, i never thought i could operate without thinking, i tried and ask questions but nobody seems can give me a satisfied answer of how to achieve it. i was like, i still need to 'Operate' but by what? how do solve my broken lawn mower by Not thinking which was seeing as so Mad and Distant for me to achieve. yet, everything begins when i start translating Bernard's articles and when i put my focal point on Keep Awareing Self then in Here. that's not done, and need to revised, but everything make [common] sense when Life is put into the puzzle and things started to float up and through life linking everything. Awareing in Life as Here as Darkness. i see what i found out couple of days later.

Monday, May 11, 2009

Pretty Good with Staying in Awaring with mySelf and I am

Pretty ok today except the body parts need repair for rubbing and getting sensitive and caused some fantasies till afternoon. i seem quite satisfied with the feeling of Fullness and Completeness of inside me that i currently no need to chase around for desires of Luxuries and Gadgets and as long as i can sustain my living and Aware of myself even money and adventures /other interesting things can exchange for this fullness inside of just simply aware of mySelf. |o| ... how we have been through reflection of Anu 'fluted' by ourselves to 'look for something' so simple right under our nose. when i was sitting in the passenger side when my mom and we were going for gas fillup, i watched the neon lights and the quiteness of night in the light rain, all these used to give me romantic, touching feelings that can drive me emotional or pretented moments of peace/ease tonight is totally different. i feel so satisfied just by sitting alone with mySelf and i was simply [maybe even for my uncountable past lives] searching outwards for nothing[we were deceiving ourselves through Anu]and literally a Crying /Atrocities Game, but no gas[|o|... the world'g going to]/tears this time. this being Aware of mySelf, i don't look for outward stuffs to Fullfill your Ever Again. in this way, i would presume i am even more happier than Bill Gate - |o| .. what a joke for most people that haven't achieve/realize what i feel now .. what a joke for me to look at all our past lifes under the illusion of Evolution and like animals that support us here [the y are noble beings of course together with the nature and plants that support us to prolong our else would end in a few days' lives] we were really the animals that are being herbed in a farm like environment called Earth in the name of History.

When i was translating today, actually this 2 or so days, i was practicing practical arosue without images and the video from Desteni sateted that you can get aroused by simply touching the hangs anywhere. i originally didn't get it - my mind prohibited me/ it is he doesn't know how that can be only through the pictures that he preceived and i experience that as me. i have tried several times but that didn't work quite well. i was just rubbing and as you might know if rubbing on the arm can get you aroused, as Bernard's article ending with - i will take my hat off for you |o|. then, i recall that the portal mentioned you are not building up something to experience a orgasm that would be separation and this rings my bell. so i tried being one and equal with orgam itself one and equal while rubbing hence what i experience orgam in me as me will experience that and vice verse. the results are quite exposential i would describe it as 10 times more stronger in feeling under a normal specific sensitive regions' touching. amazing isn't it. just by touching/rubbing my wrist. i have stopped after a couple of tried have already felt the orgasmic built up inside, i stopped beacause it is not time for me to practice masturbation yet. i need to stop it for a while so it's no good for me to get aroused and just in case if that causing uneasyness inside me.

Hence, the I am/cam can be applied on anything. supposing many things/anything in existence. i have tried many like i am flow itself and even what i am typing here, i try to View myself as words that the reason i can type so many words which wasn't possible in the past. i used through the mind to construct my sentences, now, i am just words myself. what words, it doesn't matter, maybe i am words from other people that's currently writting/books wrriten in the library, i am just this moment working on being words, stay in breathe, awareing of myself and being here. i type and i am words. when i type it seems there are feelings or association between the words i type and myself. i am just words and i type and i experience myself as words[strange this i didn't prepare this]. however, i am quite sure it is a very long post that i have never originally have very little to mention for and it ends up like this! i just focus on words i am words feel what words like and be one and equal to words. you can be one and equal to many many different things...which i am getting what they said in the videos that sex is something that human being experienced themselves so limited and less than just a feeling and emtions but that orgasmic feelig and emtions was exactly how it totally become most of us at least to me and dominated by it! one thing that is good for when you concentrate yourself to be words is you don't have much room to 'think' you need to fixed yourself to be words and you type i mean when your dominated by that your stucked as a pillar of words inside you. i am beginning to get why Bernard was playing with words, he's not he's playing with himself as words which is not possible when you are plain typing and not being the living words, i presume.

Saturday, May 9, 2009

so 10 Months later i masturbate again

If you were not from Desteni Forum, You must read and Understand/Realize what it is said and if you were an Addict to Sex/Masturbation stopped at least 6 months(as Jack has recommended would prefer longer like in my case 10 months) to get yourself totally clean since you Are Currently so Into the Beast. for any further information, check out Desteni Universe or Search Desteni in Utube for their videos.

Masturbation and Sexual Renew
Masturbation Practicality - Arousal

and an Article Masturbation - Keep it between you hand and your dick

Why i was doing this after so long period of stopped? it is i don't want to give up the orgasm feeling, forever|o|. i am working get arouse just with me/self without pictures that's what i like to see or discover that can/should be even better than aroused by a female posture. i feel it would be a petty for give it up, of course i also consider for the children on this world i don't like to support abu** them. partly is i don't want to be Enslaved, i mean, before people including me just Do and React you don't question why for your limited lifetime here on Earth, but now ever since i get in touch with Desteni things change quite a lot in how i view myself/the world/death and thoughts. so i try to see how/how less reactive have becomed so as my previous post stated, i start reading japanese s**ual cartoon covers again, yes it's covers that one need to overcome not the contents. i was observing of can i keep the "feelings" and port it to an unharmful way? what can be kept and what cannot. i was quite less reacted and i sticked with keep Awareing of Myself while watching them. i haven't done the Aware of Self practice for very long but i found it quite useful and satisfied with the results(in fact i just statred it recently 2 nights ago at most).

I mean, i like to know why certain postures of female will arouse a male like me, why certain parts of muscles when seen as certain movements /shape will arouse a male like me. why would i oppose to a male posture? then, some nasty posters really catch my eyes/interest and i have downloaded a few. then i have watched some of them, not totally fully turned on, but a bit more reactive than just the covers. i was like are there more attractive/interesting than these specific parts of body waving these ways? it seems what i did was not exactly the methods presented in the videos and i will go over them again later. so i was like can i similar to what i can recall from Bernard's Keep it between your hand and your dick's article saying of just want to stay with me, experience me with me for an expression involving orgasm?

I was ok when not watching those videos not as before that the surge constantly affecting me but i decide to try it on. i mean, at my stage it would be way easier to just Avoid it, however, if i just dodge it the question or problem will still be with me. one thing for sure was i need to able to control and stop it after done. which was not the case in before, i have once delved into Buddhism for some time before i found Desteni and was vegetarian for almost/over half year and i had stopped masturbation from the starting point of fear of depleting my body and die early |o| so i did stopped for couple of months then one day found boring and want to experience the orgasmic experience again and i felt like the fall of a dam, again again and again chase for those orgasmic experience and never stopped.

This time is different, i was aware of myself all the time and aiming at myself whenever image i stopped and speak the Self-Forgiveness. i actually did use SF to clear out my mind ~ 10 to 15 mins before i begin to achieve a more stable state. i was continuously watching those s** animations for hours. so this is not a good starting point for being aroused [although i was still keeping aware of myself during those time] and use Self as an aim for masturbating subject. i was able to staly in my 4 count breathe the whole time and keeping on experience it with me aimg at me without image, whenever i got recalls of image i stopped and speak SF. i just keep hang on Awaring of Myself and Experiencing it with myself so it happened when i was still aiming experiencing it with myself.

The result is different too which is something i ... i recall i haven't experienced this before. i am not totally sure it is the exact/correct way of doing it but it lasts for about 30 to 45 mins which i don't recall i have ever experienced such thing in my whole life so far. i will recall the best and detailed i can for what i feel like. first, it was like a Shower of your Soul/your Essence inside which is me like i was refreshed. no guilt of Emptiness at all which was automatically generated in all/most of my past Live Experiences. then, fullness, fulfillment like just done with some long lost Soul Mate long long looonng time/even generations ago that Fullness and Completeness is so big that i just smiled satisfyingly for over five mins. then, also, before was dizziness if you didn't do it for a long time and Electric Current like thing will through your Spine to your head inside and makes you dizzy. this dizziness is absolutely different, it is like your Drunk(feel like Dung by Champaign) yet your also Absolutely Aware and Awake just Consistently Escastic Drunk for 30 or so mins. the most noticeable different so far is, i am still consistently staying in Aware of Myself and not like in the past keep carving on the same feeling after a couple of hours(it has passed 8 hrs since then). this is not for sure but during those 45mins, when i am concentrating Aware of Myself while i was translating, it seems i am more floating than right now more rigid and stick inside my head/body.

What i will do is stop(currently plan for 1 month/at least) and cease at this stage and keep on just Awaring of Myself. Please Realize i am not promoting any escatic activities But if by chances you are currently Addicted to Practicing them like i was this is something i would like to share with you and can be as your Reference.