Forcing myself to write blog again

I just watched Bernard's video saying it is compulsory for SRA participants to write blogs so their buddies can see how they have improved through the blogs, else they would be kicked out of it. I currently is not participating in SRA because I got many things need to take care of and got no money at this moment.

Of course, even for myself it's much faster to read than to watch vlogs(it's almost double speed faster than watching) but I found vlogs should be, more effective in drawing people's attention and most importantly at this moment I haven't tried chinese typing in logs but I don't know the characters much, I can't imagine if I have to write bilingual blogs just for others to see me how I am doing, it would take me a lot of time, because, even for simply writing something that I know and have lots to talk about(which sometimes I got blank and don't know what I should share on) it already takes me at least 30mins to write them out, which I can make 2 vlogs if I've drafted my key points out before recording.

2ndly the most concern of a blog is I don't know how many people have read it and I don't know how effective I am in writing these blogs and how many people have read them, I mean for youtube, I am pretty sure that as long as I continue making vlogs, sooner or later I would get a bigger exposure to people and sometimes, comparatively to my blog, people would leave comments to me and I know how they see it(but of course it's also about the persona that I wanted to be have a nice perfect image in front of others, another thing is I don't want to have a bad reputation or wasting their time for me just saying some bullshits wasting their time).

Right now I need to prepare myself to become a realtor it's already- you can say it's not much I can do because there is nobody to guide or teach you how to become a realtor because there is no commission or money pay back to them, and it looks so vast to me in learning the clauses that how to write them in the contract of P. and S. also get familiar at least to the housing characteristics of my area, I am not even at how to acquire clients yet! then, there are web shopping, this, you definitely sometimes or most of the time when things are onsaled, you can have a very good deal but there are tons of reports, reviews user reviews, technical specs. pricing taxation, frequent monitor of price drop things, searching for the right company(sometimes I would directly deal with manufacturers), asking questions getting replies, it can takes you tons of hours each day plainly just to get a basic understanding of the product, and not to mention various models. so see, these things already possess me lots of hours each day.

Vlogging is also something I am beginning to do, preparing myself for SRA income plan. That it would take several years and I need to back myself up with experience on how to make vlogs, what topics to talk to, because, for what I see myself as I am basically talking the same stuffs, mainly on how the current greed system that everybody is greeding enslaving each other as, perceive that there is no fuicking consequences of their acts - as long as the law allows it, and totally lost and why there must/should be an equal money system. People are either not very active in participating/Joining us and of course at this moment not many people are watching my vlogs. It's basically the same thing that I keep repeating myself for the same stuff. Maybe the more I vlog myself the better/handy I would be at. I already have 5-6 topics that I have drafted down and should be making vlogs soon to clear some of the stack ups.

I don't know if I can merge my vlogs with blogs so I don't have to do both because basically the nature is pretty much the same but I need to do double efforts to do both of them, I mean when an equal money system has installed there is no problem with that I can even use SRA to generate income or so, but Now! it's time is equal to money. Where I/we need to dig money out through laboring(and do it effectively I worked in a tofu factory being enslaved and hurt my knee in pulling heavy barrels of water and the injury has not been recovered, that $6 an hour won't even worth the medical bill, but I had no choice my mom won't even pay my fuicking internet, financially I was broke, that's why I took the realestate license test, that's why I wanted to join SRA income plan, that's why I wanted to work for Desteni Education - I am financially broke and I tried to worked as a slave in the matrix pyramid out there and it did work for me).

Even just for this little four paragraphs it already took me 30mins so far, just continuous typing and no thinking or so, I mean how the fuick are we or at least am I suppose to do all these works? If I have to do them, I am seeing myself as how can I do it efficiently. Like right now, I am stuck, what else should I write?

SF on want to be perfect in front of people:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place my value on how other people seeing me in their eyes.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself wanting to place a good image on people I know and want them to like me.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize that it is all known afterdeath that this is no need to hide anything within me so others cannot see it in me.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself I have switch persona to please different people and resulting in killing my physical body and die.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide my beingness from others and only showing what would please other people and gain advantage.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself wanted to hide and feel shame for my masturbations.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide in self-dishonesty and lieing to myself and others.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself realize the importance of honesty.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize that honesty is important as everyone is others as self.

(muscle test out: 10 more points)

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that people will know my true image of being brutal and fierce in nature.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize that we would see each other again even afterdeath.

Within seeing me wanting to switch persona to please other people I stop and breathe and remind me we will see each other again afterdeath and it would be all known by then.

Within seeing me wanting to hide my nature and only showing my good side I stop and breathe and remind myself there is no need and what is the point of hiding for couple of decades and dieing faster because of I concern of how other people see me for couple of decades.

MC - Jinks

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define jinks as living.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself wanted to please and make all people around me madnessly losing control to invalidate my value.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my value on making everyone jinks around me.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to value myself.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to feel embarrassing when people gossiping me at the back of me.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to feel worthy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel when I don't have value inside other people's view I'd have no values then

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel I am not worthy if I cannot make people around me in jinks.

Within seeing me want to please/Jinks people to have a self-value I stop and breathe and act in what is best for all in totality.

MC - 4 more primary pattern points.

MC tested - 1276-1295 Most important primary pattern for why I resist in making vlogs - Ulterior 超出所說範圍 (extend beyond what have prepared to speak).

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I might look ugly in other people's mind when I don't follow what I have prepared to speak.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry that when I make my vlogs I just speak things out out of expected that I can have a bad image on the viewers.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize that making vlogs is also making statements expressing myself in the moments.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear I totally run out of what I have prepared to speak and rather postponing in making my vlogs.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to afraid seeing me totally unorganized in making vlogs.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself wanting to have perfect vlog images on the viewers.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize that I am also expressing in the moment when making vlogs according to the topics.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself afraid of facing myself and the public.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself worry about my mandarin speaking is too bad that viewers would have a hard time in understanding what I am saying.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself worry about people's value to my vlogs.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself wanting to catch attentions on viewers and want more people seeing my vlogs instead of just making them expressing and supporting myself.