I thought about writing this in Chinese but I want Cam and other TechnoTutor folks can read my sharing here. Besides, I haven't write in English for a long long time now. I heard from Cam that writing everything out(emotions, fears etc.) can help release and direct myself in the future when I face similar situation again. So here I am writing out all my experiences inside me during the 2 days Journey being part of the team in the TechnoTutor booth.
At first I thought it will be fun and great I can sharpen my skills and meet lots of people. Having a lot of fun or stuffs to look at, it will be a fabulous experience. However when I get there it's totally not what I expected. People are just rushing around and looking mainly for books. They don't have time to chit chat with me. Avery told us have to have fun because they can sense us inside and I have difficulties in putting my fun personality suit on. I mean I don't find fun there. I was there to practice my skills however half of the people I say hi to ignore me, others say hi back. Only 1 in 10 are willing to stay and look at what I am presenting. I judge myself: according to my current skill and English ability, how I am going to arouse their interest in our product? There is no way! I am wasting my effort. However, I haven't realized this is learning. Learning requires time and effort.
So I force myself to walk on the aisle practicing my smile like an idiot. I confess that I feel good afterwards when I have improved my smiling. But it was embarrassing and pointless to me to approach other booths and pretend that I am interested in their product. I have backchats like: That would be cheating! I am using them to promote my products. That would be lying or I feel like I am hurting another me. When they find out I am using them. I didn't realize if the point is for best for all then it is ok, they should have forgive me. I also have a lot of worries like if they find out the truth of I am using them. I better hide or not approaching them to avoid they find out my truth of using them for sales. I became reluctant to move forward or even try learning. I only feel good when I see myself improved or when I got happy feedback.
I know I can't just let this golden opportunity pass by so I force myself to approach a few counters. Forcing me to talk to them. Ask about the products. Pretending that I am interested in their products. I feel guilt inside me of not wanting their products but faking my interest in theirs. Always have this I am lying haunting me at my back. I don't know how to handle this guilt of I am using them, even for Best for all.
Till now, I do feel better after writing my fear, worries and guilt out. I have written stuffs inside me before and I do feel Tremendous Amount of release afterwards. Like they just disappear/vaporized. Funny that writing these things out feel like doing self-forgiveness. I feel relax(Yes, we can't just say relax or force ourselves to relax and then suddenly our body will feel better. No, I found that I need to self-forgive myself properly to really feel relax and pleasure). I feel like I am ready for a fresh start.
SF:
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to be perfect inside all the people in the education expo's eyes.
I forgive myself haven't allowed myself to realize when I starting point is best for all, it is ok even for manipulation.
I forgive myself haven't allowed myself to practice and live self-honesty as acting for Best for all instead of just being honest to myself and I don't care how others are suffering and dying because of no money on earth.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let my honesty guilt direct me instead of being self-honest.
I forgive myself haven't allowed myself to realize it is not hurting anyone by me but for Best for all even hurting another is ok and acceptable since I am doing for Best for all, I can take the consequence of that.
I forgive myself haven't allowed myself to realize it is not about lying but packaging myself to be acceptable/presentable to others in the booths.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be selfish and don't want the consequence of manipulation and feeling guilt and rather someone take the consequence instead of realizing I should always do what is best for all, even including manipulation.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be dominated by my honest guilt instead of learn from my mistakes and change myself being effective in doing what is best for all.
