Thursday, March 26, 2009

Exhausted from trying to fix the LawnMower n Views on masturbation

Have do lots of research on the web about fixing the lawn mower. i am working on fixing the LawnMow. so i can lawn the garden myself. the problem is we left(by doing some research on the web) the gas inside for the winter seasons and the gas evaporates and become Guming the carburetor, blocking the flow of gas. i got impatiened and tired after working for hours under pressure. i am not familiar to the mechanics and we lack even the socket sets to open the cab. even with the proper tools, all the springs, strings and bolts holding the cab. is difficult to disassemble. the guys on the web(eg. utube) skips some steps and i can't find anyfurther information, like a step by step guide with photots/videos, on the web. by chances, a gardener came to our place to access how much for replacing our backward with ground tiles(bricks) and a flowering bed plus removing a tree. i decribed the casue of the problem. he called his mechanic said will take it for us and cost 30 bucks to fix it. |o|, he's a christian and mom said he looks like a reliable/quite honest person. persoanlly, i wouldn't Prefer putting too much into it. we would get less oxygen/fresh air out from the lawn, although it is full of moss now. it could cost (and forseeably) over 2000 dollars. mom suggest maybe just do the flower bed for plantting flowers/beans. that's a compromised/acceptable solution to me.

When i talked to mom about there is lower price socket set and wanted to buy one, she use irritated tone on saying we have bought too many tools and since my brother has one we can borrow it from him and buy only when it really needed(she's those house wifes that will spend time and efforts to find better apples/more in a bunch of green onions. little house wifes types but would not choose/inquire throughly when buy a airline ticke. i always tell her save the efforts for efficientcy and effectiveness and you have missed the big picture). when i was tired and with how to fix the lawn mower in my head, i got irritated and impatience. however, this time, i keep being aware. i didn't yeild to my angry. the energy still surged inside me, but i tried to keep breathing. well, the amplitude was less and a bit more stable. i just told her it's sometimes wasting my breathe in talking/explaining to her - calmly. later on, i did explain why i want to buy it. we don't have it, i could take days - even after we have the tools to open the cab., borrowing it from my brother will give credits to him(my english has limited vocabulary) and affecting her decisions on dealing with the money borrowing issue. for the handling of all this, i tried to handle the situation from Principled based instead of Experienced based. experienced based was i abdicated myself and i don't want to feel Supressed of my own Emotions and Exert on "emotion causer" and that i reminded myself is not solving and only make it worse. working on Dealing with the problem is what counts.

Still having difficulties on Clearing/Stopping myself of having thoughts in harming my body. like, whenever stimulated(by feelings on my hands/body, by watching actions on TV.. etc.), thoughts will flow up in my head/mind eg. like putting my face on the hot iron when i was cooking the meals/ having sharp objects protrude my eyes. |o| .. i don't know i have become something like these inside, and i sometimes said delete(like what jozinn told me) and sometimes i went inside the room and speak auidiable SF try to clear them/myself. i am living with my mom, and besides, it is currently difficult for me to speak SF out loud (cameron said he wrote them down and speak them out loud, i am doing that not very loud but loud saturday when mom usually go to her church). this is definitelly not what i like myself to me(just like masterbation, it turned myself/us into something we are not even noticed how we become that - luckly i found Desteni before i turned into further a monster based on pictures and sound. sometimes, i do ask myself, can i totally give up on feeling of orgasim. it's about control, it's about charing UCF but the process/working towards orgasim - the split of second of excitement felt good. |o|. i try to reason myself when i was small i totally treat and don't have the urge for desire of orgasim and i was fine. it's better now, they removed the Life Essence so no left over of LE in the pelvic area, in the past, when i came back from a whole day work, i must "discharged" myself. am i pursuiting the prolong of orgaism/ the peace of getting rid of desire for orgaism. by my past history, when i have stopped myself from "MasterBuating" for a long period(6~7 months at most bf i got in touched with Desteni materials, now i halted myself now), then i am curious i want to experience(i would say i am do not have the feeling of Urge to need it) it and i told myself then, it is no harm for me to try some rounds, and that's the beginning of my fall again. until, it became mechanical and you find all sorts of ways to Stimulate your mind for the split of second of excitement again, again and again. more, more and more to the Addiction.

i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself Always living in Here and Principle based instead i yield myself to Experience based and reflect my exhaust and frustration on exerting the emotion to them.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be emotional and irritated when i was concentrated working.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be annoyed and impatiened when i feel tired.

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