Monday, October 10, 2011

Why Did it happen, What have I become?

I am not sure why I had accepted and allowed in the past that have caused these thoughts, however, I have summarized them to – continuous playing first person killing video games(I just like everyone else thought they were just “games”, big mistakes I became what I accepted and allowed and what I participated), I like watch tons of movies, some of them are brutal and bloody, some are so called action movies, connecting brutal scenes to energy/excitements. After I have stopped masturbation, I as the mind consciousness system experience a energy withdraw syndrome and always have thoughts of inflicting pain to give energy to fee the mind.

My childhood == Hate, and more Hate!
I also had extreme hate to my penny pinching, totally self-interest and slyly in plotting and dominating everyone around him. I hate him straight to his bones that I don’t treat him as a human when I grow up, I thought the world would be better if he just die. His death would be justice and I hate him for justice, for eye for an eye, for what he exerted on me when I was small, where I have no saying inside the house. I mean if you are parents, children know extremely well, much more than you anticipated. In nowadays’ family, the parents usually the father is the dominating/superior figure. Children, like when I was small, yes they can’t fight you back “right away” and children are not dumb, they need to survive inside the house/family just like how you as parents survive inside a corporation. So for me, to balance things out, I hate my father, my brother when I was hiding/crying in the washroom or kitchen – attempting to balance myself out, attempting to find justice, and will do everything possible to make me imprint and remember this “hate”.

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