Choice doesn't exist and there is no Free Will

Have been reading the Video Response for Michael Tsarion in Desteni. this series explains details of why choices and free will don't exist. i am still a bit confused, because i have read Sunette's article about choice don't exist, but i didn't realize much. what is it exactly mean here for choice and free will don't exist? does it mean every thought, act and desires they are not 'choices' of mine? even for the words that i am typing using here is not choice but already constructed by the past and i am just living it out? real choice/expression exist in Here? how's that is like/how do i do that? if i want to change myself and Process myself is that my choice? i have sexual desires and want/need to exert it out, are these my choices? if free will and choices do not exist, will i be abusing the non-existence for allowing me to do whatever i desire? if choice and free-will do not exist, why are existing like this nowadays, why the game masters and anu existed as that came to be? if every single being is responsible for what on existence we have currently come to, how do we fix it? for free will and choice do not exist, we cannot 'choose' to fix it/not. with the explanation of Refraction, what it is saying here becomes more clear to me, but i do not totally understand/realize this |o|. are criminals really guilty then? Mykey/Hitler did mention when he was on earth, he went to see a psychic and he saw images of his meeting with the psychic herself inside the psychic. it is really heart-breaking to realize that choices and free-will doesn't exist, even when i am typing this Here.

another point is projecting in assisting others to change the world. that i see that i me, i was treating as since i currently don't need to worry about surviving in 3D, then, i'll devote my time in translating articles into Chinese, so more people can read it and it is there for them to. that in turn, making me as one of the world's parasite being meaningful to them in working towards oneness and equally. they are supplying food and shelter to me, and i am contributing my effort into meaningful ways. however, that switched my attention to the translation and not on my process. i used that as an excuse for procracinating my process, i presume.

Sexsual desire is another thing that has been haunting me latelly these days. i have stopped msaturbating for almost a year now. one thing i found out is the longer you haven't 'discharge' yourself, the more 'reactive' to your old fatasies fragments in your mind. masturbation and sex are quite 'forced to do' applicatoins and what we feel is quite totally different than what we expect us to feel during the process. we keep on pursuit the energetic erupt/release moment, try to experience and elongate it as much as it can. physically it is just split of a second and afterwards, we are totally non-reactive to any porn. of opposite sex images. as Bernard's article said, keep it between you and your dick. in that way, less desires for girls(mainly, male domiant in mastrubation here) assist in stopping producing rapists. (from the way of the fly)desire for grabbing a woman at the bar/desire for girls through masturbation == and will manifest rapists' desire for raping someone. what the f**k and how ignorant of us in realizing what and how this world is generated. currently it's not likelly to be prove by our eyes/test it out. it is are you trusting what they say, buy it or not. i forsee that it could be a long way for me to re-masturbate again and satisfied with it, without images in my mind, as same as before.

I have used another approach to try to stop the mind. i merge into it instead of try to stand as far away from it as possible. one thing i found has improved is the breathing, it becomes more natural and more comfortable. i am still not able to 'flow' as Bernard's addressed, but it is becoming more clear to me, since the mind's thrills on separation, the more i try to stay away, i was just denying it is part of me. now the difficult part is, i feel drowsy when i merge with the mind, feel it's interfering me. standing as awareness inside the mind is not currently effective. no matter what i do (eg. breathing, aware-ing) i am with the mind, but not of the mind. equivalent to the mind but not less than it.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use translating desteni articles into Chinese as an excue so that i don't have to work/take care of my own process, so hiding under the fakeness of helping others and not actually changing myself hence change the world.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear changing of myself.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not include the mind with me and change me as the mind.