Have watched some Game Shows Making fun of Guests Involved

That is a famous Game show on TV in Hong Kong. why i wanted to watch it because it is hilarious. i know when throwing Cream like thing on people's face, i am not suppose to laugh, yet i laugh. why? i currently haven't realized why yet. is it because the guest are Smiling(because thousands/millions of people watching them through the camera and they can increase their popularity, so they pretend they are enjoying?), is it because they seem to don't mind/enjoying themselves too so it is ok for me to laugh at their actions. is it because the Energetic surge through hilarious laughing that i feel relaxed afterwards that makes me want to watch them? i feel tired and bored and want stimulation and being with self is viewed as meaningless and wasting my time. what is the fun of being with myself? i never question why did i fight against and so uncomfortable of being alone with myself, i just don't like that feeling.

Bernard said give up and flow freely inside me. also said he has s**, work, do business, play etc. it seems it is not what we/he do but he said he is self-honestly expressing. i tried 'Give Up' last night, suddenly sort of realize i was trying to 'bring' everything that i have experienced with me together and working to achieve somewhere more Realized. not seeing what Give Up means or what to give up, or i should say i was holding on with everything inside me to process. i haven't considered me giving up my obsessed of feeling through the mind. last night, i was 'simulating' give up in my mind(?) and feel what it is like. not quite sure if it's because i didn't have dinner last night and dizzy, i feel comfortable and release. maybe i am not giving up is one of the reasons why i cannot trace back the causes of my thoughts in doing Self-Forgiveness.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to yield to Energetic Surge inside me through acts of making fun on other people.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to laugh at people that do hilarious acts.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to pursuit of fame and money which is the enjoyment through enslaving others.

i forgive myself that i haven't allowed myself to discover the joy/happiness of being with myself.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe it is meaningless and a waste of time and unplaesent to just being with myself.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to want to have fun and always looking for ways to Stimulate myself, instead of seeing Breathing can be/is fun.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to give yield to feeling of bored right away, instead of Common Sensing it out the cause of it and handle it effectively.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear giving up my predefined self, personalities, my mind etc.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to accept the idea of Give Up in me and i might go crazy and do 'Give Up my life' things to harm my body/go crazy and jump off and kill myself excetra.

Give up is a way of Cleaning what is inside the sickness of my beingness.

Breathing and being with Self is/can be fun.