So, haven't been writing this blog for like a week now. well, the most obvious thing about my change is the sleeping pattern. i used to sleep a lot, you know those eight hours plus type and still not enough. even after sleeping for eight or night hours i felt more tired but i couldn't help but sleep more, just delve into it back in the times when i 'thought' energy exist and not realized that i am Life. you know, sort of like, like most people do, this is my one and only Life and i got like..projecting myself to have eighty years old before i die. ok, so sleeping. couple of days, or a week now, i realize that i don't sleep that much anymore. at first it was just 'seems' to be that way, because sometimes, i worked late(desteni stuffs) and for one or two days sleeping six or five hours only, my body still can handle it but not for three continuous days..that hasn't happened on me before and i didn't anticipate i can sleep and operate normally for six hours sleep only. so by looking at my last blog post, counting the days, it has been like over a week by here now. and i am still ok and this week or so more/less, worked to two/three am each day and get up..sometimes/usually at eight, this morning's nine so not particularly more than six hours. actually it is about five hours sleep, because i wake up and then stay in bed and being the four count breathe practice, sometimes will doze back for 20 mins..so basically it's five hours. for this week, i don't feel really lack of 'energy/strength' for the first couple of days, the heart is kind of having irregular beatings couple of times a day but that has settled down these two days. probably a systematic reaction.
I have tried to 'force/push' myself to sleep for six hours daily..and what happened is..i was ok for first two days? then at the third day maybe forth day at most. i became a frustration fire ball inside, totally an annoyed, frustrated, bad tempered expression that all i wanted to do was go to bad. governed by the 'concept of energy' while here now, it's totally different. i worked for hours and hours, over eight hours each day and for instance here now is one am, i have been through..working on transciping for twelve hours and i am still kind of 'stable/constant' and not particularly having a 'feeling of drop in energy, or irregular/faint in heart beat'..yawning was like..five/six each day..even when i am typing here now, i haven't yawn at all. staying in my four count breathe.
This didn't happen on me as a 'forced' way of doing it - deliberately. it was a i reached this stage and as i said couple of days later, i realized: 'hey, i am sleeping six hours only and there is no obvious dropped of energy', but for newcomers, i have been continuously doing the four count breathe..non-stopped for almost a year here now. just a little reminder, and i am working on breathing while talking..haven't noticed i was breathing when i am talking.
So, how it is liked for keep sleeping for six hours a day for a week? well, first, more 'time/moments' in doing stuffs. that's for sure of course, but when i experienced myself for having two hours extra each day, i almost like eight hours a week, and i become more productive. i transcribe one more video today..sort of like a little turbo mode, but not forcing/pushing myself involved, no high-blood pressure just Here/constant/steady and not 'governed by energy' so to speak. Like more clear, more pure, more in 'high tone' of beingness you know, in contrast of a 'heavy metal bass' low tone mode. More direct to myself, before was like covered by a blanket/a invisible 'low tone' sound cage and i was locked inside this unseen barrier but i can 'feel' somethings there like i wasn't function at totality.
Before, i was liked totally contributed my time on the transcription and i 'really' didn't have much time left even if i 'wanted' to go on or to work on something else, there is just not enough 'time' to do too many things. but this week, i have say..two hours each day to do my own bloggings/write some self-forgiveness on a word a day. Have been working as much as possible in keeping my word of a self-forgiveness on a word a day. you know, type some self-forgiveness. yea, also, by doing self-forgiveness together with breathing i presume, i lost like twenty-five pounds +/- in these three months and seems to keep going down. really amazing, haven't happen to me before - at all since i stepped into middle age period: my weight was getting worse/heavier couple of months continuously each year, was pretty scary, scary from a perspective of the situation that was developed not from a point of 'scare' of the weight gained, well, i presume that's a formed of scare too. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to scare of my weight, used starving my body to try go get rid of the cellulite inside my body and not realized it is a reflection to myself that it's pocket of thoughts or i am not self-directed or waiting for something to happen instead of apply myself into ways that i see as meaningful/worthy in my life here. starve myself aiming at reducing weight didn't actually work, it just..the systems i presume will suck..i felt something, at that moment i thought 'it was the body itself sucking itself' but i mean..that doesn't make sense right? i didn't see it that way. it was suffering, painful and like right after i 'starved' myself to reduced my weight to a certain amount of pounds, i go eat fervently again and it goes right straight back or sometimes even worse than before. i had to continuously eat less to keep it, but because at that moment i really didn't have any other ways to do it. here now, i eat almost like, close to double of what i used to eat before and my weight gone down and i anticipate it could go even further.
So, basically..so far, six or five hours sleep a day..for a week +/-. it cannot be stimulated(i didn't take drugs, i am vegetarian with eggs - seldomely, thank you for the food), it cannot be 'psychological'..psychological can't last for a week and keep going. i mean, let's use common sense here.. so, share with the findings here now, it's 1:42am here now, still no yawn in the writings. might share more in couple of weeks and see.
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