Monday, August 3, 2009

What a night

So, have quite some experiences tonight. first, in the afternoon..i realized it's the points that i am holding on to that i am not the point but i presume that i am the point, the points are me which makes quite a realization to me. then, a one of the presenter in the lunch banquet, talked/got interested in my words, sayings about Desteni's thing. he said he was studying mathematics, and has studied the traditional chinese philosophy he did quote something from the bible..not much. what i found that is, he's quite an open-minded person. he claimed it's interesting, he showed curiosity that how i see him. ok, then i go..maybe it's a start, of my world's changing or people from other places or so called professional area or relatively younger persons have open minded so i tried on working with lilian's daughter on talking to her about 'beauty' which i didn't particularly use that word. that's is not something that i would 'prefer' for the consequences of defining beauty. i used the polarity and energetic expressions that one/she experienced inside her is a 'like/disklike' prioritized 'feeling' that cause her to define what is 'beautiful and ugly'. she..i would say it seems she common sensely sense that, but she was also looking for 'defends' for her 'belief' of her medical 'successful' doctor world, her information and knowledge. so, i stopped there. i didn't continue and silent inside me. and then, go back into their house..join my mom, my mom said you are slim like a 'ghost' which i just silent not participate in. then, they go inside and laugh and laugh, energetically..which reminds me of my past when i was watching the 'make fun of people shows in hong kong'. my mom was pleasing lilian's daughter, to me it's mainly because she's a 'doctor' and just speak words as a purpose of pleasing others, sort of like if i could say 'energetic partying' each other. i lived like that before, i lived energetically like that before too.

So, we go back home, i got some looking up work in the freegate thing, it took me couple of hours, exchange with Wu Wei some information. ah, and yes, i 'see' this point in Wei too - i liked to keep talking and talking..sort of use talking as a way to 'energetically masturbate with myself through someone else'.

So, later on, tonight i 'see/decided' that it's 'time' to told mom that i am not going back to hong kong this year and i use that money to take a four year course that Desteni is providing and it'll cost 1100euro. she said she will not support me, she need to talk to me further about me associate with these devil/ghost works all day couple of hours each day. i told her if she didn't support me i'll go find alternatives, go find a job. and she use a 'superiority/dominator' way of saying she will cut my Internet line and will not re-open it for me at the end of this year. so that also cause me start to drop points to PM to Bernard, then kept on doing the translation.

then some girl from china with a response who are you? among the close to a hundred person that i posted onto skype. i was like ok..because last time that girl was kind of interested to the video title, but she needed to go to sleep or something and she added me. teenagers are quite 'different' at this moment for here now, i observe that they are vibrant, the first one's curious, this one is anger. and similar talkings like who am i where i am from, what this is about?..and i gave similar answers to her too. the difference is her reactions that she's feeding back on me, for first asking like am i a tibet separationlist..then she wasn't quite listening to what i said and began to say things like if you're such 'hate' to your country and i am a loyalist to my mother china then please? (i don't recall had she said please) don't use chinese characters to type and chat with me. i told her i am here to use this 'opportunity' to share with her my realization, to 'assist' but i am not here to 'decide' for her what the road that she like to walk. and if i made 'misunderstanding' in my words, i apologize. then she said something like: 'eat shit, stupid damn fool..then you go ahead and keep on your work, wake up..chinese whoever has 'consciousness'(it's funny i here now can translate this word into consciousness, back then i was like hmm..this chinese word is very familiar should i put it into english)will not believe in you' i said: sorry, disturbed you.

Share this with Joeku, and Joe asked me like, why apologize? i said she's just 'provoking' a fight and i am just showing her i am not affected by her, as a common good that 'maybe' in the future she might go: why didn't this guy 'respond' as i anticipated even for what words that i have typed? that's how i see it. and Joe said, to me, an "apology" happens when a mistake was made, or when you want to earn somebody's favor. this is just a point i'm seeing in myself... not judging you fred. i said i considered use it this way the 'best' for the common good, not just based on a ego of should i apologize.

Ok, so that's what a night. although i keep remind my self to give up my points that i am not my points. i felt angry? high blood pressure? faint week not having 'strength' like having a heart problem when i was smoking before? and i wasn't stable. it could be showing me i am self-dishonest and having anger inside me, of course i didn't participate in it..not as before. and one more thing, tonight i found i am more into through as and aware of my breathe while eating my dinner: rice. it's was, the awareness level was weak and tonight it is stronger. that's before i had my talkings with my mom.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to delve into the beauty system of enjoy the like/dislike energetic 'feelings' and defined as beautiful and ugly.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to enjoy the results of the social status and 'rewards' from being a high class society being and denying anything that's jeopardizing my energetic enjoyments and not caring about the cost of it and the consequences of the enjoyments.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to 'energetically flurt' those that are having high esteem in society like doctors or high income beings and please them to obtain 'relationship' with them, like my mom reflects to me.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to enjoy 'energetic partying' in gossiping, pleasing and look for 'fun' in being energetic inside and go laugh 'madnessly' not realizing that i am sound expression and constant in nature.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as points and believing that i am those points not realizing that it's the points that cause separation and not realize as Mykey said: i am giving up nothing for everything.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear of my mom's superiority expression and her financial control in illusion of 'power' that i am powerless, that it's fear that i have inside me and not self-directing myself that cause such fear.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be self-dishonest in defining myself as point/points, not realizing or acknowledge that i am oneness as equality in essence as all life as life here.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that my mom 'might' not re-open my internet connection after the discounted-promotion has ended and not self-directing, walk, Here.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel happy and polarized for when the first chinese girl showing a bit interested in the materials, that i was 'excited and joy' not realizing i was moved by external separated events/beings and polaritized the good to manifest the bad.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear of those separationish in china and fear i as that chinese girl might threaten by them.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to throw my anger to anyone around in every opportunity to make myself comfortable and just use them as a 'punch bag' no matter what they said.

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