I was limited and I didn't know

Kelly told me that I was allowing limitation inside me and at first I don't understand what limitation means. I look at myself and think: No? I was always looking for freedom looking for enjoying myself then how am/can I limit myself? What limitations am I limiting myself?

Later after several chats I becoming to understand what limitation means and indeed I was "limited" in many ways - Like sex/masturbation and fear these two are my major limitations. Also like resistant to change to do self-forgiveness(this has already improved now, months ago I was just like the new comers that are not willing to write self-forgiveness although I know I should - This is also a form of "limitation"). Maybe I so get used to limitation that I don't aware that I am limiting myself. Like for example I used to masturbate within 4-5days without pictures but that's still an addiction of energetic masturbation and it's difficult to stop myself. What I am doing now is (lol at least it has been continue for 4? days and I don't feel the uneasiness). In every moment I remind myself I am not limited by anything - Including the energetic feeling of masturbation, no matter how good it "feel" if I am limiting myself only to experience that then I am limited and very soon I would be addicted and can't stop myself. So not limiting myself is quite effective on me (of course lol I would need to write self-forgiveness to forgive what I have accepted and allowed and don't do it again) to stop my addiction. Because what is addiction? Addiction(on masturbation) is I am addicted mostly to energy feelings and that feeling is "so good" that I can't stop keep pursuing keep wanting more - I thought I was having my "freedom" but actually I was "enslaved" through limiting myself only to experience such feelings. Most human on earth on sex and masturbation problems are like mine. The most "horrible enslavement" is when you don't even aware that you are inside a prison and you thought you were enjoying yourself lol and you cannot see the limitations. How can I be limiting myself or inside a energetic prison while I am feeling so good in every moment!?

Another thing is sleeping. I used to "fight" - through the mind of course - try not to sleep so many hours used to eight hours+. Same here I remind myself that I am not limiting myself by sleeping. When I look back at it now I was enjoying the "sleeping feeling" that I don't want to get up or try to through the mind to get up. It didn't work when I just wake up I would had a very hard time in getting up or tend to fall back to sleep while I was listening to the radio. These two or three days I just remind myself that I am not limiting myself only to sleeping. I am not fighting but I am not limiting myself to anything. I realize that no matter how good it 'feels' if I am allowing myself to be subjected to/controlled/limited then I am limited and I am not living isn't it? I am not free isn't it? I mean this is common sense. So the point it's not about suppressing not having sex or masturbate or not sleep (lol that's not possible at this moment) but - In my terms - Not being limited by any of them. Almost my biggest realization (through Kelly of course I didn't see it myself) ever - That I was being controlled/enslaved through limitation.

One thing I found "strange" is when I told myself I am not limited by anything - I found it harder to smile lol like I resistant to energy. I don't know if smiles need energy. Like I laugh a lot in the past but now I am just being calm and quiet. Like I lack the motivation to laugh there is not much worth laughing for. Can I still laugh still masturbate still being enthusiastic without limiting myself? I am a bit not sure but even worrying is limiting myself. Participating and subjecting in the mind or energy feelings these are all limitations. If I subject myself to boring and have to masturbate then I am also limiting myself to such "routines/feelings" only.

Without limiting myself I can experience all of them. I realize it's not about can't do it anymore but how to see such activities/feelings. I am looking forward to masturbate later and I can walk away from the feeling the urge to keep masturbating again non-stopped.

I need to find out what Back-Chat means. few nights ago my mom was throwing her tantrum on me throwing things on the table. I was reacting to her acts and I tends to find angriness inside me. I was cutting on the board and had a though of chopping her (only a split moment) when she was throwing her tantrum on the table. I watched quite some videos Sunette explaining what is angriness and I still haven't locate my source of angriness. I mean I shouldn't have reacted to her acts and voices it was me participating in my mind that reacts. I didn't direct the situation calmly because there was energetic angriness surging inside me. Haven't had breakfast yet but let me write some self-forgiveness on this point.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to direct my situation with my mom when she's exerting her tantrum on me.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize that it was my angriness inside me that cause me to react.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have thoughts of chopping another being unnecessary just for exerting my angriness to make me feel better/more comfortable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to automatically react by having thoughts of chopping my mom to make her shut up and stop throwing tantrum apparently affecting and stimulating me not realizing I need to direct the situation and handle my angriness both at the same time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself not want to see/face my mom throwing tantrum on me by chop her and remove her out of my sight not realizing if I do not solve the problems in me circumstances would just repeat and repeat again.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize it is me angry at myself that cause the angriness suppressed inside me and I wasn't aware I wasn't standing up for moments in the past.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limited myself only experience and participate in the energy surge when I mom throw her sharp voice and banging on the table.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think I am holding a butcher knife and I had the power to do whatever I can to stop my mom from irritating me.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize I have to take self-responsibility to myself and others including my mom when I am using a butcher knife to not to harm anyone under any situations.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to walk away when my mom throw her tantrum on me and just testing how long I can withstand her tantrum.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make a statement I can't stand my mom's tantrum and sharp voice anymore but not realizing it is I can't withstand my angriness to myself that has been accumulated inside me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project that if I chop/remove my mom then my angriness would be gone not realizing if don't locate the source self-forgive myself and don't do it again same situations would keep occurring again and again.

Within seeing the pattern of want to chop or hurt anyone to release my angriness I breath and stop and remind myself deliberately hurting someone for angriness is not acceptable within oneness and equality.

Within seeing the pattern of I feel extremely raged I stop and breath and remind myself Au Oh, I am angry about myself and have accumulated large amount of angriness inside me that I need to direct myself.

Within seeing the pattern wanting to blame it is my mom/someone that is exerting their angriness on me and cause me to react, I stop and breath and realize they cannot affect me. It is me participating in the mind. They are just exerting their angriness about themselves.

As usual, after writing self-forgiveness I feel a bit clear in my solar plexus area. Like something are released are cleared.

Word: Freedom

I don't want to be confined/locked down into a place/room. I felt I am totally confined with nothing and no one to talk to. I enjoy company and like to talk with people. I want freedom in doing whatever I like and having all sorts of stimulations satisfying my eyes/visuals. I want to just close my door and having as much pornography to masturbate and thinking that is my ultimate enjoyment and freedom. I define freedom as don't need to worry about food and shelters and can by myself walking on the street and looking at the shops' displays. I don't like being scold, suppressed and controlled by my parents while they exert their angriness noto me. My freedom is I can 'choose'. As long as I can choose then I feel freedom in me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself afraid of self and don't want to face self.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself whenever I am forced/locked down to a place I want to run away with masturbation and energy to stimulate me.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to be intimate to self.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself define freedom as doing whatever I like as free choice but not realizing everything is in polarity.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look for my free choice but ignoring what others on earth need to be suffered just because of my free choice.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize it is not free choice but doing what is best for all since everyone is me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to have more free choices by climbing the enslavement pyramid and enslaving others through a piece of paper called money.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to totally lost and limited by material goods sexual figures' pictures and keep wanting more not realizing they are all feeling/energy based.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself defined freedom and limited by having infinite numbers of animation sexual pictures.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself using freedom as an excuse that actually I fuicked the rest of the world I fuicked the rest of animals and earth in pursuing my little energy heaven and I don't care the rest of the world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to afraid of doing what is best for all because I know it will mean I need to sacrifice/compensate my free choice.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize there is no free choice while all others are me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look for freedom in goods stimulants inside the windows and desire for having them.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize freedom is taking care of everything and everyone is ok no matter in what position you take within existence.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame and exert my hate onto whoever I can throw on to make myself feeling exerted and feeling stable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that I do not handle my frustrations but blaming my children and thinking it is their faults.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel I am a free king when i am suppressing anyone I can.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to angriness inside me instead of not limiting myself only as the mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define freedom as my-choices but not look at what is best for all and contribute to best for all.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to act within what is best for all.

Ecstasy

Within seeing the pattern of wanting to have my free-choice I stop and breath reminding myself acting on best for all is also for best for me.

Within seeing the pattern of wanting for energetic personal freedom I stop and breathe reminding myself I am not limited by energetic feeling only.