Facing my reactions to Sex Animation Covers

ed Writing a Blog is kind of difficult, that i Force myself to write it. it is already better than writing by yourself because you Perceive that someone might be watching it(although not very likely). when writing by yourself you are like writing/speaking to a wall. with no response because you know there is no chance for anyone to read it and the idea of stupid will come up. which theoretically if we are Sound Expressions, all sorts of feelings like like/dislike, want/reluctant to do are not suppose to exist inside us. even desire itself is Refraction inside us that Interfere with us. yet, i enjoy/obsessed in desires mainly in opposite sex, really need to find a way when you are fully charged inside and the mind wants to upgrade. the energetic release is the moment that most of us want to extend and staying there forever. i just watched some Desteni member's tree interview saying wine is a mixture of Anger, Guilt the rest i forgot and it really make sense like that is it, that is what wine really is and the feeling/thing that i was pursuing in the past. i wonder if i realize/understand how s**/masturb*** is constructed of will i find the same relieve as i found of the wine and so that i can give up? at least through an opposite sex's image and sound.

Stumble on a BT web with japanese adult animation links with covers on, correctly speaking i have Avoided them for an year by now. however, i know that i was burying it inside me and stopping because of the consequences of creating rapist all over the world. with my limited knowing of how energy and thoughts that are generated and will manifest in others to 'full fill' balancing the equilibrium. so i try to see how which i did through my mind being reactive to the covers. not very but still reactive and the mind has been 'offed' for a whole year. it is really the covers that catch the attentions and it's(i hesitate in typing to deal with it) a point that i need to transcend. many questions, many 'try' to see it in different angle for the same object. when i watch for male animation characters i am totally opposed and not feeling 'interested' and like to go on, the same happens to a girl watching a female characters posting all sorts of sedusive postings and tied ups. she wouldn't react to it at all just like me watching male characters (eg. kissing) which i found not attractive at all but girls/women will found as reactive as when i watching female postings. it is like one of the man said in the Recently Crossed Over series, saying one night stand is not as Fantastic as you think, same is the desire of s** and masturb*** which totally shut down after you energetic surge is released(to the dimension) and you (maybe through the mind) keep wanting more and more which is obsessed. it is funny that the dimensional beings are doing everything to look for stability yet we here on earth are looking (mainly) through s** and masturb**** to look for instability/energetic excitement which is reverse.

When watching the covers today, i stay in my breathe and stay with it. i react to them but not going deeper in the fantasies. later on, i become one with the energetic surge inside me (as Bernard said in his post, if i recall it correctly) until it is no more energetic surge inside. to realize/transced when facing it head on is more difficult than just avoid it |o|. during that i ask a lot of why, why did i react to these postures? why did i react to water reflection on certain part of body but not on other parts? they should be interpreted just as bunch of cells/ figures. why would i react to shy/unwillingly when tied up? i watched videos from a guy's Confession of dying of Aids which he starts with masturb****tion and gradually become someone obsessed in chil**** s**ual fantasies and Aids got him. that's the road that Will Lead to i realize and believe in that. maybe i want to know why so i can transced/keep certain part of it if not all so i don't have to give it up forever? Bernard has mentioned s** and masturb****tion should be an expression that is not as reactive to something and have to do it which can be self-stopped anytime.

I forgive myself that i haven't allowed myself to be Self-Directive but yielding myself as Reactive to the S**ual desire for Energetic Surge up as directed by the mind.

I forgive myself that i haven't allowed myself to amalgamate with the Energetic Surge inside me until it is not Energetic flowing inside me anymore, instead i obsessed the feeling of Energetic flow inside me.

I forgive myself that i haven't allowed myself to realized i am sound expression in nature and all these sorts of 'reactions' inside me are pre-programmed and not real.

Have watched some Game Shows Making fun of Guests Involved

That is a famous Game show on TV in Hong Kong. why i wanted to watch it because it is hilarious. i know when throwing Cream like thing on people's face, i am not suppose to laugh, yet i laugh. why? i currently haven't realized why yet. is it because the guest are Smiling(because thousands/millions of people watching them through the camera and they can increase their popularity, so they pretend they are enjoying?), is it because they seem to don't mind/enjoying themselves too so it is ok for me to laugh at their actions. is it because the Energetic surge through hilarious laughing that i feel relaxed afterwards that makes me want to watch them? i feel tired and bored and want stimulation and being with self is viewed as meaningless and wasting my time. what is the fun of being with myself? i never question why did i fight against and so uncomfortable of being alone with myself, i just don't like that feeling.

Bernard said give up and flow freely inside me. also said he has s**, work, do business, play etc. it seems it is not what we/he do but he said he is self-honestly expressing. i tried 'Give Up' last night, suddenly sort of realize i was trying to 'bring' everything that i have experienced with me together and working to achieve somewhere more Realized. not seeing what Give Up means or what to give up, or i should say i was holding on with everything inside me to process. i haven't considered me giving up my obsessed of feeling through the mind. last night, i was 'simulating' give up in my mind(?) and feel what it is like. not quite sure if it's because i didn't have dinner last night and dizzy, i feel comfortable and release. maybe i am not giving up is one of the reasons why i cannot trace back the causes of my thoughts in doing Self-Forgiveness.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to yield to Energetic Surge inside me through acts of making fun on other people.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to laugh at people that do hilarious acts.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to pursuit of fame and money which is the enjoyment through enslaving others.

i forgive myself that i haven't allowed myself to discover the joy/happiness of being with myself.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe it is meaningless and a waste of time and unplaesent to just being with myself.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to want to have fun and always looking for ways to Stimulate myself, instead of seeing Breathing can be/is fun.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to give yield to feeling of bored right away, instead of Common Sensing it out the cause of it and handle it effectively.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear giving up my predefined self, personalities, my mind etc.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to accept the idea of Give Up in me and i might go crazy and do 'Give Up my life' things to harm my body/go crazy and jump off and kill myself excetra.

Give up is a way of Cleaning what is inside the sickness of my beingness.

Breathing and being with Self is/can be fun.

Finally Joint the Private Forum in Deteni and our Money System

After almost 9 months, finally got invited into the Private Forum in Desteni. got quite Tired this week 'cause of reading the New Stuffs in Private Forum(chat logs - which are very Interesting when involve Bernard and various Dimension Beigns, Bernard's posts, posts/info. that i have missed.), keeping track of the Public Forum, continuing the Translation thing, and watching some 'entertaining TV programs' from the internet. one really need to keep track of what period of time is for what task each day, else, the time just disapper quickly. i still enjoy and view it as meaningful in translating, not mechanical but i did yawn a lot(which is a indication that my mind wants to shut me down) and my body just sored.

To see results, i am wondering if i am too concentrated on Knowing instead of Applying. i have read quite a lot but i don't really realized/understand a lot. it is getting Better through days though, sometimes, i watch videos that catch my eyes again. i do not like being alone - without a purpose. i feel emabrrase (which is a sign of want to stay in the line of other systems) if other people hear my loud Self-Forgiveness statements. i reluctant to face/being with myself. i reluctant to accept that i am also responsible for all the Evils/other me's Artrocities that exist in this World.

The current Self-Interested Money System is a mess. we collectively responsible for creating it, of course there are much more that i/we don't understand/realize at this moment. the inter-dimension knows more. we pursuit for InEquality, Energetic Experience(S*x, Excitement), climbing the Hiearchy of Other's Enslavement, blind to the Consequences of our Acts using Laws and Justifications, cheats, cons, murders, in what i view/realized so far is mainly because peopel don't see/feel their Actions'/what they don't Acts' Consequneces Right Away. what is not experienced Here is not real, and people are willing to obsessed in an unreal world, currently experiencing through their minds. what most people enslaved for 6days each week for? what is money for? exchange of S*x/ M*sturbation/a share of the Glamorous World's Energetic Excitement/Stimulation Pie, or Alcohol - Systematic Proliferating Joy that we experience it through the mind, and want more and better each time. during my last flue, i didn't take any medication, the healing procee is painful, but afterwards, i feel More Free inside. i am feeling i am More in Control and Natural. however, how many popele out there will take my advice? my mom's sort of viewing me as obsessed/crazy but of course, i am not processing according to her judgments(i am responsible for her reactions though and how she's treating me though |o|).

It is like the Music Chair/Russian Revolver, the whole mass willing to join the game of Purshiting to the Top of Hiearchy for Enslaving others/Nature/Animals. as long as my Life is ok i will want more from others. Self-Interested and none of Equality factor is considered. you study hard and you stuffed with Systematic Knowledge, you bcome a lawyer/doctor/politican then welcome to the club of Enslaving Others. not many people know these are Pre-Programmed. science and inventions which lead of Power and Control is being worshiped by people forming groups, then to organizations then to countries. very very Few consider Consequences of their Enjoyments, money become quivalent to Amount of Luxuaries that you can Enjoy, S*x and Power of Enslaving others that don't have money. i presume inside people's hearts, they ask, why (or maybe why shouldn't we) should i suffer to cut back my Elegant Style of Living so less child will be suffered in Africa? they/some of them tend to believe in Regligion, some believe in Channeling, these won't seriously affect what they Already Possessed/Having's Life Style. however, they treat you as insane for Pointing out there are Consequences for their Current Life Styles and it's is a form of Enslaving the others.

i forgive myself that i have accpeted and allowed myself to using knowing as an excuse and not paritcipate in Applying Self-Forgiveness and Writting myself to Freedom.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to rather live in the mind/system serving to have a Purpose instead of Facing mySelf and Expressing and Live in Here.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to dislike myself, my own body.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to value other's value on me more than how i value my directions.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to obsessed in money which is enslavement of others, animals or nature.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing limiting myself with boundaries and what evaluated by the mind as impossible to achieve.

Choice doesn't exist and there is no Free Will

Have been reading the Video Response for Michael Tsarion in Desteni. this series explains details of why choices and free will don't exist. i am still a bit confused, because i have read Sunette's article about choice don't exist, but i didn't realize much. what is it exactly mean here for choice and free will don't exist? does it mean every thought, act and desires they are not 'choices' of mine? even for the words that i am typing using here is not choice but already constructed by the past and i am just living it out? real choice/expression exist in Here? how's that is like/how do i do that? if i want to change myself and Process myself is that my choice? i have sexual desires and want/need to exert it out, are these my choices? if free will and choices do not exist, will i be abusing the non-existence for allowing me to do whatever i desire? if choice and free-will do not exist, why are existing like this nowadays, why the game masters and anu existed as that came to be? if every single being is responsible for what on existence we have currently come to, how do we fix it? for free will and choice do not exist, we cannot 'choose' to fix it/not. with the explanation of Refraction, what it is saying here becomes more clear to me, but i do not totally understand/realize this |o|. are criminals really guilty then? Mykey/Hitler did mention when he was on earth, he went to see a psychic and he saw images of his meeting with the psychic herself inside the psychic. it is really heart-breaking to realize that choices and free-will doesn't exist, even when i am typing this Here.

another point is projecting in assisting others to change the world. that i see that i me, i was treating as since i currently don't need to worry about surviving in 3D, then, i'll devote my time in translating articles into Chinese, so more people can read it and it is there for them to. that in turn, making me as one of the world's parasite being meaningful to them in working towards oneness and equally. they are supplying food and shelter to me, and i am contributing my effort into meaningful ways. however, that switched my attention to the translation and not on my process. i used that as an excuse for procracinating my process, i presume.

Sexsual desire is another thing that has been haunting me latelly these days. i have stopped msaturbating for almost a year now. one thing i found out is the longer you haven't 'discharge' yourself, the more 'reactive' to your old fatasies fragments in your mind. masturbation and sex are quite 'forced to do' applicatoins and what we feel is quite totally different than what we expect us to feel during the process. we keep on pursuit the energetic erupt/release moment, try to experience and elongate it as much as it can. physically it is just split of a second and afterwards, we are totally non-reactive to any porn. of opposite sex images. as Bernard's article said, keep it between you and your dick. in that way, less desires for girls(mainly, male domiant in mastrubation here) assist in stopping producing rapists. (from the way of the fly)desire for grabbing a woman at the bar/desire for girls through masturbation == and will manifest rapists' desire for raping someone. what the f**k and how ignorant of us in realizing what and how this world is generated. currently it's not likelly to be prove by our eyes/test it out. it is are you trusting what they say, buy it or not. i forsee that it could be a long way for me to re-masturbate again and satisfied with it, without images in my mind, as same as before.

I have used another approach to try to stop the mind. i merge into it instead of try to stand as far away from it as possible. one thing i found has improved is the breathing, it becomes more natural and more comfortable. i am still not able to 'flow' as Bernard's addressed, but it is becoming more clear to me, since the mind's thrills on separation, the more i try to stay away, i was just denying it is part of me. now the difficult part is, i feel drowsy when i merge with the mind, feel it's interfering me. standing as awareness inside the mind is not currently effective. no matter what i do (eg. breathing, aware-ing) i am with the mind, but not of the mind. equivalent to the mind but not less than it.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use translating desteni articles into Chinese as an excue so that i don't have to work/take care of my own process, so hiding under the fakeness of helping others and not actually changing myself hence change the world.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear changing of myself.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not include the mind with me and change me as the mind.

The i AM and Be/As Darkness

I always have the question of how can you be the breathe/as Bruce Lee said in his interviews, be the breathe of the trees around you. when i was Watching drama with mom and practicing my 4 count breathe, when i was practicing i AM the darkness, my breathe starts to flow around my body(i presume so) and not holding tight inside me. how i did was, i keep repeating that i AM darkness and tried to 'feel' the darkness then 'cross/step myself forward into' AM/As darkness. i have also tried i AM/As here. before, i was like(using matter and mind) breathe is just a physical sequence of movement, how can a human(it should be Being - including but not exclusively to human) be the breathe? very similar to what Bernard's reply of how to Breathe while speaking. he said breathe comfortably(which is similar to me now, no tight holding feeling while holding the breathe), practice the "Life is Indeed Darkness exercise", give up and flow. i also recall MyKey(aka. Hitler) said in his articles that we are the Canvas not the Paint/Paintings on the Canvas. same with Here, before, i was questioning/haven't realized Here is just a Descriptive word/stage of an Event/Object how can a human(correct: being) become 'Here'? again, i was using the mind to figure/try to reason things out. same apply to words, i was not understand/realize how can i be/in my words as the living words? words are intangible ideas. again, from the farm interviews, the portal can be a date (eg. Jan xx), can be an idea (eg. agreement/sound) and they are all aware. if my realization is correct, then maybe one day i can be my words/(all) words. literally everything is possible, you can be a canvas with Here/Darkness/Words/Your Words/4th of July/4th of July in 2009/Self-Honesty ... and Breathe too.

Thus far, i am still practicing i AM/Being/As Darkness. it is like after you have accumulated certain amount of experience/realization of how Darkness itself is like(feel, being, like etc.) then you hypnotize yourself of "i AM Darkness(Darkness itself)" ... then, you walk over to and being Darkness itself. no forcing(at least in me). that's how i would summarize my experience so far.

Tired translating FAQ and touched by TV drama

Has been doing the translation work these days, i have assigned couple of hours each day to translate (currently working on FAQ) only. it is tired works, for i am very lousy at chinese typings(in fact i am still learning it, mainly relying on the writing board and that takes effort to literally write each words out). however, as i said to Joho today, someone's got to do it and i am doing it bit by bit. maybe it could take some time before some read/benefit from my translation(or not) but someone's got to do it.

When i watched the japanese TV drama with mom today, i got touched by the scens describing love of two people(which is the desire of accompany other, posessing other and hormone energetic experience). my eyes got wet(witht combining the scene and music, not very emotional but you can feel it is turned on inside you|o|). translating the FAQ did help myself in throughly understand/realize every bit of what Jack's talking/refering to, else, you can't put them down into chinese correctly. and i am holding certain responsibility in considering the ones that will read the article. will they understand/realize as similar as what i did through my translation? will they confused? things like those are considered when i am translating. that's why it takes more time, with the barrier of chinese typing and i try not to omit original sentences.

Have registered for a gmail account. for it can be inactive for up to 9 months. porting it from an old hotmail login to the new gamail account is tricky. read some posts and it takes several steps to do that. got a bit frustrated and i stick with aiming at solving the situation 'cause(as cameron said) frustration/angry doesn't help and it energize the mind consciousness support the UCF. sometimes, i wonder, if everything's oneness and equally and we are oneness with the mind should we also be oneness with UCF.

I am start working on not thinking and us Hereness as a way to (kind of like worship) solve problems. i wonder if not thinking and here allow me to fix eg. the lawnmower / more fluent and smoothe in writing.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe in touching and emotional is enjoyment and legitimate way of responding.

i am enjoying when i am Here in my breathe.