When i was translating the solution oneness video tonight, really heavyness within. shame, heavyness, stop what i have accepted and allowed. and stop is something that i haven't actively participated, i was: ok, this has to be stopped but i didn't stop myself within. which is fear of not existing anymore and not 'want' to give up, mainly sex and masturbation related. and i lately from the reptilian benevolence video series that (it was mentioned before but i wasn't getting what it means yet) that 'high' energy as excitements, hilarious, ecstasy comes from 'robbing' and throwing neagtive energies to others such as poor, suffering, pain, starving. this is as far as i realize so far. it..quite make sense to me. nothing comes from free, there is no free-energy, there is no la la land for everyone. no, it can't. i cannot reach the tip of a 'highness' in on the tip of the pyramid without stepping on the foundations of the bottom layer. and everyone 'can' reach the highness to the tip of the pyramid of highness of 'ecstasy', it's not possible. it 'apparently' possible because currently whenever people don't see, actually as i was before, even i see plant or animals that 'moves'..i looked back, i didn't treat them as equal to me, i just care about myself and what i get from the society, capitalistic system.
I was very if not totally mad and lost among existence at those time. i kept have 'thoughts' of: it's it, there is nothing i can do to the society, it's human, it's history repeating itself, i only have one life 80/90 years if lucky..but i missed something quite 'heavily'. my source as everything comes from a source, not oh it's just a/the source i more care about how 'great/complex/wonderful' i can built out based from this source. and secondly, i was not 'living'..at all. i was just systematically 'jerking' my time away and split of second ecstasy, then downness loneyness guilt remorse and then..go look for ecstasy again and then downness loneyness guilt remorse..and the cycle keep going and going and going for 36? years..not as 'concrete fulfilled meaningful' as this 8? months that i was involved into transcribing and translation. and i 'improved' a lot..in realization and physically on my living habit on earth here. to name a few, i don't pee at night anymore can sleep continuously for 6, 5 currently .. 4 and a half? hour..losing weight on the waist..belly..fully recharged after every night just for around 5 hours of sleep. my mom's like ..sleeping 9? hours..and she's quite frustrated for seeing my way of not falling into the category of 'a system'.
Have some PMs with angela. i mean, quite a reflection of myself. ego, enforcing what i see fit as 'right' on to others, 'want to assist others but in my way only', need to defend my ego whenever my opinion is offended. i shared with her what i realizations and see. currently i am..'reluctant but come to terms with oneness and equality'. it was 'difficult' to drop my opinions as my personality as who i currently am but i see it as who i am, tends to want to guard them, but hey, i mean why limited myself only to these bunch of opinions? why only to one 'ego' when i am 'truly' all ego..we are just playing inside a huge role playing game, but..i treat some characters are more 'valued' and some players i don't like, some i 'hate', some i more 'fond of', some i see them as 'wrong', some i admire and 'worship'..while missing the source of point of it: the player is life. i and all players are not the role or bubble suite that we are 'wearing' and lost in energetic battling, enslaving each other through 'profits as money' and avoid the consequences of abusing others, anything. not anymore, things are breaking down, deteriorating, fast, people are losing control to of themselves, i mean, look at the traffic, the drivers, my mom..everyone is getting more 'unstable inside their mind', pissed off..in a self-uncontainable way, most currently don't realize this.
I forgive myself that i haven't accepted and allowed myself to stop myself and i just kept pursuing outside and blame for the human nature as that is it, i can't do anything, it's futile, enjoy as much as i can before i die not realizing even if there is 'cease to exist' it is how i spend my life moments here on earth, no shame no regret in facing everything afterdeath..instead of lost in the sexual split of second ecstasy 'feelings', a mouse inside a turning wheel.
I forgive myself that i haven't accepted and allowed myself to give up sex and masturbation feelings that as proclaiming i am subjected to/limited to/can't exist without the split of second ecstasy feelings as mathematical separated relationship equated energetic balance expression that i am subjected and only limited by the definitions of this world and i cannot be 'free' when i was defined/bounded by that.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define free/freedom as do what i want/desire, enslave others as much as i can but keep a mask of i am nice and not acting anything in harming others, experience as much energetic pictorial masturbation as i can not realizing free is the source the as all life here as undefined by the bubble suits.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to worship knowledge and information instead of worshiping self not realizing knowledge and information is fear, fear of failure again, fear of wrong doings again, following past path as past experience as a starting point and not living when knowledge and information is worshiped and defined as me.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to obsessed into more and more higher energy feelings while not realize nothing comes for free and whatever i experience in highness the other lowness as starving, being raped, torture, suffering is needed to be manifested to balance it out, where else can it come from.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to only concentrate center in me me and me through thoughts feelings and emotions as a mind consciousness system 'told and directed me' how to experience myself through knowledge and information.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be self-dishonest as believing there is free energy and everyone someday can collectively enslave nature or earth as an energy source and human happy forever in the drug as sex ecstasy not realizing everything in existence is me is life here is oneness, happiness exist in play with oneness not enslaving within oneness but try to avoid the consequence of my acts.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear my fear of not existing, not..realize that i am here and everywhere is here, common sensely simple.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to enjoy energetically enforcing others to accept my assistance accept my way and i am right in supporting my ego as personality as guidelines/rules as satisfying my personal ego as a starting point.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to enjoy and have to defend my ego as programmed core essence codes whenever my opinions is in contradictions with others then it's always my opinions as code fragments is right/correct not realizing i am codes but codes are not me, currently, i am all life as oneness in equality.
I am not defined and bounded by knowledge and information, i release delete self-forgive information and knowledge that is not supporting oneness and equality at this moment.
I am not ego opinions and personality manifestations.
Friday, August 21, 2009
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
I am physical
Have been practicing practicing i am physical today, quite interesting so to speak. it was calm, and not emotional for the whole time, very here like a back to home finally 'beingness'. starts 'feeling' a beingness in the breathe.
Talked to someone in pathway about looking for a job for the internet and for the due course. the staff Dave, talked to him a bit..also involve a little bit about what course i am taking. i mentioned there is a website about everything, and he said the economy 'hopefully' will recover, i used the money based on national debt he agrees with this, but when talk to it's a projection of the future enslavement that is equals to 'debt'. he said two times he didn't see why that is enslavement. to what i see is, he is denying 'enslaving others' and use didn't see to justify his acts instead of acknowledge and realize and face the 'enslaving' others. i mean, for myself, i see there is enslavement without the national debt model, i see enslavement when i go to a restaurant, i see enslavement when those that work the most like farmers, labors but in the name of 'dumb down through education and in the name of knowledge and information, and hidden technology'..inequality exist in the distribution of 'money'. backed by individual self-interest and not consider the common good in existence.
As have talked to kelme, have seen my brother and mother been programming my brother's one and a half year old daughter. in the name of 'protecting' her, my mom gave her an empty pen and told her: here is your pen to draw. when she asked for soy sauce, my brother 'deceive' her by pretending dipping it in front of her and said: it's dipped. when she asked for something: my brother and his wife said: what do you say when you want something? thank you father. who are you asking? you need to ask who? father, father please give me my spoon.(obedience), manipulation and throwing anger to her. do this do this, else, you won't get what you 'ask for'. like i was, forced to 'survive' and bend not because of what i was told to do but i adopt the 'skill' that my parents mainly father doing and 'programmed' myself to use it for my 'own advantage' and when i've grown up to certain extent i kept silent in the 'outside' of me. and have not stand up myself, presuming there is no point of arguing, i need to survive. i mean either way i missed the point of self-stand up and self-direct and only concentrated on 'fight back' and angry.
I forgive myself that i haven't accepted and allowed myself to see that it's simplicity in common sense that is the way of handling things but i delve into the complexity of reasons and mind consciousness system, try to use reasons to defend my act on 'enslaving others' and as long as my world is fine, i got a steady income i kept self-dishonest and support the inequality money system.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be deceiving others in names of 'for their own good' but just for self-interest as act of through others perform to them as self-dishonesty.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to control and manipulate others, using 'i am teaching you' obey me fear me.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to bend and not self-direct the situation.
I forgive myself that i haven't accepted and allowed myself to live in simplicity as physical.
Talked to someone in pathway about looking for a job for the internet and for the due course. the staff Dave, talked to him a bit..also involve a little bit about what course i am taking. i mentioned there is a website about everything, and he said the economy 'hopefully' will recover, i used the money based on national debt he agrees with this, but when talk to it's a projection of the future enslavement that is equals to 'debt'. he said two times he didn't see why that is enslavement. to what i see is, he is denying 'enslaving others' and use didn't see to justify his acts instead of acknowledge and realize and face the 'enslaving' others. i mean, for myself, i see there is enslavement without the national debt model, i see enslavement when i go to a restaurant, i see enslavement when those that work the most like farmers, labors but in the name of 'dumb down through education and in the name of knowledge and information, and hidden technology'..inequality exist in the distribution of 'money'. backed by individual self-interest and not consider the common good in existence.
As have talked to kelme, have seen my brother and mother been programming my brother's one and a half year old daughter. in the name of 'protecting' her, my mom gave her an empty pen and told her: here is your pen to draw. when she asked for soy sauce, my brother 'deceive' her by pretending dipping it in front of her and said: it's dipped. when she asked for something: my brother and his wife said: what do you say when you want something? thank you father. who are you asking? you need to ask who? father, father please give me my spoon.(obedience), manipulation and throwing anger to her. do this do this, else, you won't get what you 'ask for'. like i was, forced to 'survive' and bend not because of what i was told to do but i adopt the 'skill' that my parents mainly father doing and 'programmed' myself to use it for my 'own advantage' and when i've grown up to certain extent i kept silent in the 'outside' of me. and have not stand up myself, presuming there is no point of arguing, i need to survive. i mean either way i missed the point of self-stand up and self-direct and only concentrated on 'fight back' and angry.
I forgive myself that i haven't accepted and allowed myself to see that it's simplicity in common sense that is the way of handling things but i delve into the complexity of reasons and mind consciousness system, try to use reasons to defend my act on 'enslaving others' and as long as my world is fine, i got a steady income i kept self-dishonest and support the inequality money system.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be deceiving others in names of 'for their own good' but just for self-interest as act of through others perform to them as self-dishonesty.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to control and manipulate others, using 'i am teaching you' obey me fear me.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to bend and not self-direct the situation.
I forgive myself that i haven't accepted and allowed myself to live in simplicity as physical.
Saturday, August 8, 2009
Give up the mind consciousness system
I just re-see the mother nature's video. inside, she mentioned something like give up the mind consciousness system as our outer world is how it is constructed today. i have never considered, i mean, i see the videos but i didn't get what i means by 'give up the mind' not until when transcribing today. to me, it's quite a difference between, reading at information and knowledge level and 'participate' when i as self is involved. when i actually do it, participate in it. it's more 'real' of course, i still need to walk them live them to make them real.
but, yea..i didn't consider i can give up the mind consciousness system. i mean even the 'thought' of it already sounds make sense. i was using, applying the tools but at the same 'time' stick inside the mind consciousness system and without giving it up. the start point could be from a mind consciousness system. the beingness/feeling of give up the mind consciousness system is like simplicity. and i just found out, i could also need to give up my personality as well. breathe seems to do better this way, again without the personality..what will i be?
Solmaz was to me, kind of irritated when she's chatting with me. to me, i see there are angers, frustration and covering up exists inside her, it was about the events that are coming, i stated about the 2012 that was mentioned by Bernard, she see it as my 'belief', i pointed out it is a marks that bernard and those use it as a 'placement' because the public generally already anticipate inside their mind consciousness systems that 'something's gonna happen but they don't know what it is' she's insisting on 'arguing' and fight back. taking things to a personal level. i didn't expect privateforum members are with such systems inside. i pointed to her and suggest her to watch the angry system videos, some suggestions. but she's interested in getting me into the arguments with her. i finally, told her that the last piece of suggestion that i would give her in the chat. and left the 'fighting pit'. there is no point of arguing at all, arguing is only for defending one's right and through rejecting other's wrong to confirm one's rightness of opinions. i mean, i work/explain to some points, after that..that became plain arguing. and i am not participating in arguing in supporting systems.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be irritate and angry inside and keep suppressing them inside dodging avoiding the problems instead of self-forgive them and live on.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to blame it is the other self that's causing the discomfort angryness inside me and not realize that it is the events that taking place to 'manifest' the anger inside me.
I forgive myself that i haven't accepted and allowed myself to consider other people as self's views and suggestions, and i just feel angry and it is the other person's fault and use this 'chance' to instigate a fight to manifest the anger within me.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to keep arguing and stick with my ego instead of using common sense first to see if what has said worth accepting it.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to give myself to the systems and yield to start an argument.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be cold eyed and enjoy seeing/watching two or more people to fight with each other and chuck away.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be relying on logics and suppressing myself inside me instead of using common sense.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to live inside a shell that i always 'wanted' to protect myself from other's as me might harm/attack me.
I forgive myself that i haven't accept and allow myself to be vlunerable and enclose myself inside a nutshell, afraid of getting contact with other people as me.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to pin myself down suppressing myself inside the mind consciousness system and 'feeling' i am not worthy to live in this world, i am less than an ant.
but, yea..i didn't consider i can give up the mind consciousness system. i mean even the 'thought' of it already sounds make sense. i was using, applying the tools but at the same 'time' stick inside the mind consciousness system and without giving it up. the start point could be from a mind consciousness system. the beingness/feeling of give up the mind consciousness system is like simplicity. and i just found out, i could also need to give up my personality as well. breathe seems to do better this way, again without the personality..what will i be?
Solmaz was to me, kind of irritated when she's chatting with me. to me, i see there are angers, frustration and covering up exists inside her, it was about the events that are coming, i stated about the 2012 that was mentioned by Bernard, she see it as my 'belief', i pointed out it is a marks that bernard and those use it as a 'placement' because the public generally already anticipate inside their mind consciousness systems that 'something's gonna happen but they don't know what it is' she's insisting on 'arguing' and fight back. taking things to a personal level. i didn't expect privateforum members are with such systems inside. i pointed to her and suggest her to watch the angry system videos, some suggestions. but she's interested in getting me into the arguments with her. i finally, told her that the last piece of suggestion that i would give her in the chat. and left the 'fighting pit'. there is no point of arguing at all, arguing is only for defending one's right and through rejecting other's wrong to confirm one's rightness of opinions. i mean, i work/explain to some points, after that..that became plain arguing. and i am not participating in arguing in supporting systems.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be irritate and angry inside and keep suppressing them inside dodging avoiding the problems instead of self-forgive them and live on.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to blame it is the other self that's causing the discomfort angryness inside me and not realize that it is the events that taking place to 'manifest' the anger inside me.
I forgive myself that i haven't accepted and allowed myself to consider other people as self's views and suggestions, and i just feel angry and it is the other person's fault and use this 'chance' to instigate a fight to manifest the anger within me.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to keep arguing and stick with my ego instead of using common sense first to see if what has said worth accepting it.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to give myself to the systems and yield to start an argument.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be cold eyed and enjoy seeing/watching two or more people to fight with each other and chuck away.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be relying on logics and suppressing myself inside me instead of using common sense.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to live inside a shell that i always 'wanted' to protect myself from other's as me might harm/attack me.
I forgive myself that i haven't accept and allow myself to be vlunerable and enclose myself inside a nutshell, afraid of getting contact with other people as me.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to pin myself down suppressing myself inside the mind consciousness system and 'feeling' i am not worthy to live in this world, i am less than an ant.
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
Wu Wei's brough me a gift - a long lost article
It was an 'unexpected' event, totally in the moment, was is here i can't really tell at this moment. but i realize something is i was parrot talking through my mind consciousness system, all in the past all this year. it's rather 'interesting' (i wouldn't use the word complicated).
Wu Wei has asked me questions about the veno's molecules articles. which i had read quite a 'long time ago', maybe at my early period of when i first joint Desteni. totally got 'screwed up'/got fucked by the article so to speak. had read it many times, didn't get a 'fuck' of what it's talking about, what blue dots, and the words that veno's using..was like presented in the article was like 'cindarella/alice in wonder land' - reloaded, and revolution. i mean, using a mind consciousness system at this moment i am quite didn't get what he's saying at all. here now, i realize, much realized in regrading to the before me when i first joint Desteni. at first when i read the article i was, totally in fuck of frustration land and don't got what he's saying. i got frustrated, angry and totally no clues - at that moment, it's like a mixture of angry and frustration and troublesome and curiosity of what it is about..
After couple of months of translating and transcribing works. i realized, quite a lot. and especially when i pracctice beingness of the moment, it's totally a 'wonderful, strange in certain extent, natural and fullfillment type of beingness'. and it is through that, that i can see myself: 'oh, i am a parrot, still a mind consciousness systematic parrot at this moment' i didn't see this, i thought i have 'realized' but not enough if i had. i would say, some observations are correct, but some are/maybe not totally correct in it's whole. it's quite strange and a bit of confused at this moment, because this unexpected gift of re-read this paragraph is..so immense, which also make the already 'intangled' situation more tricky.
Let me describe what is moment living. i, am the living moment as through as the breathe. within the moment, there is no time. everything's silent, totally still, it all happen inside the breathe. let me recall and stablized before i go on. ok, here now is moment living, it's quiet stable, clear concise simplistic, no energy fluctuations or whatever, the words that i use are different. tone is different, words expressions are different. it's fullfilled, and there is not 'time' construct within the moment. no, nothing..plain silent, and yes, not a being of silent, but a beingness of silent. this calm, 'peace-ness', slow inside yet i am typing fast outside, absolute stable within the moment, within my breathe, that's similar to a child when i was small - absolutely stable and 'Here' if i may term it that way. it's like 'constantly expanind' inside me..not a 'feeling that based on energy'. energy does not exist within moment. this beingness right at this moments, that i am experiencing, makes me really makes me feel 'kind of silly' if i may use silly instead of 'stupid' which is another more heavy energetic words, for delving all my life back then into the totally 'low level of experienced' through as the mind consciousness system's pictorial based masturbation, a very limited 'feeling' and illusion of 'highness' while it's this 'peaceness' that life on 3D earth's worth experiencing and being. masturbation seems so 'trival' in front of beingness of moments inside breathe. within through as moments(yes, that's the words i was looking for) that's an enjoyment, that's an efficient way of performing, quick on the outwards yet 'absolute presence of moments if not here', it's like a fountain, yet moving but time stand still within in. the outer world's time doesn't stopped, at this moment i am typing it's within a space and time continnum yes, but inside me through as the moment, it's absolute clear silent, well except my voice sounding insdie my head while i am typing here now. besides this, it's all silent, crystal clear, beingness through as the moments. this 'almalgomation with the moment' is not through energy, so if any fructuation occurred, or forcing is involved, it's mind consciousness system. it's this 'voidness' that i first experience..that i have never experience before. when 'aligned' with moments inside my breathe, i am not 'governed' by time anymore, i just float within my breathe, slowly, to where? i can't locate it yet.
Here now is an working on moment here. so i was always afraid of here, try to get away from here - only here now i sort of use the same method to apply on moment here. that i found it's silly also, here is not boring, here is not 'silly', here is like a strength. that's i can see that all my definitions about moments and here was not correct, beingness of here is like a horse. same here, no energy invovled, yet it's beingness through as here is like within energy 'losing control'. but it's precise, and ..it's fluctuated yet not energetically also. and also, it's not defined by or 'access' by energy. Here is like a wild horse? here now i see that all sorts of worry about here and moments are 'illusional' unreal. not true at all. it fluctuate yet, i was not losing control in regrading to when i was in 'energetic madness' ..even the words give me a 'dullness' and low plane's feeling. being hereness is kinda of really like bernard's expression - a mad scientist. yet, this 'mad' is not defined by energy, it's ..like a horse inside the breathe that always pushing me..again not energetically. and common sense seems a bit increased at this 'moment' when i am writing. it's here now, like a moon, hmm, strange, interesting. a quiet version of here. don't really know what is it..it quites down. it's like a horse stalking. one thing i found quite it's like sort of find a beingness/point/alignment inside the breathe of where 'time' will hold still within me, within that i am not govern by time. it's not use energy or time to create a vacuum for no time. no, it's a natural beingness of time stopped. self-honesty to my breathe.
Wu Wei has asked me questions about the veno's molecules articles. which i had read quite a 'long time ago', maybe at my early period of when i first joint Desteni. totally got 'screwed up'/got fucked by the article so to speak. had read it many times, didn't get a 'fuck' of what it's talking about, what blue dots, and the words that veno's using..was like presented in the article was like 'cindarella/alice in wonder land' - reloaded, and revolution. i mean, using a mind consciousness system at this moment i am quite didn't get what he's saying at all. here now, i realize, much realized in regrading to the before me when i first joint Desteni. at first when i read the article i was, totally in fuck of frustration land and don't got what he's saying. i got frustrated, angry and totally no clues - at that moment, it's like a mixture of angry and frustration and troublesome and curiosity of what it is about..
After couple of months of translating and transcribing works. i realized, quite a lot. and especially when i pracctice beingness of the moment, it's totally a 'wonderful, strange in certain extent, natural and fullfillment type of beingness'. and it is through that, that i can see myself: 'oh, i am a parrot, still a mind consciousness systematic parrot at this moment' i didn't see this, i thought i have 'realized' but not enough if i had. i would say, some observations are correct, but some are/maybe not totally correct in it's whole. it's quite strange and a bit of confused at this moment, because this unexpected gift of re-read this paragraph is..so immense, which also make the already 'intangled' situation more tricky.
Let me describe what is moment living. i, am the living moment as through as the breathe. within the moment, there is no time. everything's silent, totally still, it all happen inside the breathe. let me recall and stablized before i go on. ok, here now is moment living, it's quiet stable, clear concise simplistic, no energy fluctuations or whatever, the words that i use are different. tone is different, words expressions are different. it's fullfilled, and there is not 'time' construct within the moment. no, nothing..plain silent, and yes, not a being of silent, but a beingness of silent. this calm, 'peace-ness', slow inside yet i am typing fast outside, absolute stable within the moment, within my breathe, that's similar to a child when i was small - absolutely stable and 'Here' if i may term it that way. it's like 'constantly expanind' inside me..not a 'feeling that based on energy'. energy does not exist within moment. this beingness right at this moments, that i am experiencing, makes me really makes me feel 'kind of silly' if i may use silly instead of 'stupid' which is another more heavy energetic words, for delving all my life back then into the totally 'low level of experienced' through as the mind consciousness system's pictorial based masturbation, a very limited 'feeling' and illusion of 'highness' while it's this 'peaceness' that life on 3D earth's worth experiencing and being. masturbation seems so 'trival' in front of beingness of moments inside breathe. within through as moments(yes, that's the words i was looking for) that's an enjoyment, that's an efficient way of performing, quick on the outwards yet 'absolute presence of moments if not here', it's like a fountain, yet moving but time stand still within in. the outer world's time doesn't stopped, at this moment i am typing it's within a space and time continnum yes, but inside me through as the moment, it's absolute clear silent, well except my voice sounding insdie my head while i am typing here now. besides this, it's all silent, crystal clear, beingness through as the moments. this 'almalgomation with the moment' is not through energy, so if any fructuation occurred, or forcing is involved, it's mind consciousness system. it's this 'voidness' that i first experience..that i have never experience before. when 'aligned' with moments inside my breathe, i am not 'governed' by time anymore, i just float within my breathe, slowly, to where? i can't locate it yet.
Here now is an working on moment here. so i was always afraid of here, try to get away from here - only here now i sort of use the same method to apply on moment here. that i found it's silly also, here is not boring, here is not 'silly', here is like a strength. that's i can see that all my definitions about moments and here was not correct, beingness of here is like a horse. same here, no energy invovled, yet it's beingness through as here is like within energy 'losing control'. but it's precise, and ..it's fluctuated yet not energetically also. and also, it's not defined by or 'access' by energy. Here is like a wild horse? here now i see that all sorts of worry about here and moments are 'illusional' unreal. not true at all. it fluctuate yet, i was not losing control in regrading to when i was in 'energetic madness' ..even the words give me a 'dullness' and low plane's feeling. being hereness is kinda of really like bernard's expression - a mad scientist. yet, this 'mad' is not defined by energy, it's ..like a horse inside the breathe that always pushing me..again not energetically. and common sense seems a bit increased at this 'moment' when i am writing. it's here now, like a moon, hmm, strange, interesting. a quiet version of here. don't really know what is it..it quites down. it's like a horse stalking. one thing i found quite it's like sort of find a beingness/point/alignment inside the breathe of where 'time' will hold still within me, within that i am not govern by time. it's not use energy or time to create a vacuum for no time. no, it's a natural beingness of time stopped. self-honesty to my breathe.
Monday, August 3, 2009
What a night
So, have quite some experiences tonight. first, in the afternoon..i realized it's the points that i am holding on to that i am not the point but i presume that i am the point, the points are me which makes quite a realization to me. then, a one of the presenter in the lunch banquet, talked/got interested in my words, sayings about Desteni's thing. he said he was studying mathematics, and has studied the traditional chinese philosophy he did quote something from the bible..not much. what i found that is, he's quite an open-minded person. he claimed it's interesting, he showed curiosity that how i see him. ok, then i go..maybe it's a start, of my world's changing or people from other places or so called professional area or relatively younger persons have open minded so i tried on working with lilian's daughter on talking to her about 'beauty' which i didn't particularly use that word. that's is not something that i would 'prefer' for the consequences of defining beauty. i used the polarity and energetic expressions that one/she experienced inside her is a 'like/disklike' prioritized 'feeling' that cause her to define what is 'beautiful and ugly'. she..i would say it seems she common sensely sense that, but she was also looking for 'defends' for her 'belief' of her medical 'successful' doctor world, her information and knowledge. so, i stopped there. i didn't continue and silent inside me. and then, go back into their house..join my mom, my mom said you are slim like a 'ghost' which i just silent not participate in. then, they go inside and laugh and laugh, energetically..which reminds me of my past when i was watching the 'make fun of people shows in hong kong'. my mom was pleasing lilian's daughter, to me it's mainly because she's a 'doctor' and just speak words as a purpose of pleasing others, sort of like if i could say 'energetic partying' each other. i lived like that before, i lived energetically like that before too.
So, we go back home, i got some looking up work in the freegate thing, it took me couple of hours, exchange with Wu Wei some information. ah, and yes, i 'see' this point in Wei too - i liked to keep talking and talking..sort of use talking as a way to 'energetically masturbate with myself through someone else'.
So, later on, tonight i 'see/decided' that it's 'time' to told mom that i am not going back to hong kong this year and i use that money to take a four year course that Desteni is providing and it'll cost 1100euro. she said she will not support me, she need to talk to me further about me associate with these devil/ghost works all day couple of hours each day. i told her if she didn't support me i'll go find alternatives, go find a job. and she use a 'superiority/dominator' way of saying she will cut my Internet line and will not re-open it for me at the end of this year. so that also cause me start to drop points to PM to Bernard, then kept on doing the translation.
then some girl from china with a response who are you? among the close to a hundred person that i posted onto skype. i was like ok..because last time that girl was kind of interested to the video title, but she needed to go to sleep or something and she added me. teenagers are quite 'different' at this moment for here now, i observe that they are vibrant, the first one's curious, this one is anger. and similar talkings like who am i where i am from, what this is about?..and i gave similar answers to her too. the difference is her reactions that she's feeding back on me, for first asking like am i a tibet separationlist..then she wasn't quite listening to what i said and began to say things like if you're such 'hate' to your country and i am a loyalist to my mother china then please? (i don't recall had she said please) don't use chinese characters to type and chat with me. i told her i am here to use this 'opportunity' to share with her my realization, to 'assist' but i am not here to 'decide' for her what the road that she like to walk. and if i made 'misunderstanding' in my words, i apologize. then she said something like: 'eat shit, stupid damn fool..then you go ahead and keep on your work, wake up..chinese whoever has 'consciousness'(it's funny i here now can translate this word into consciousness, back then i was like hmm..this chinese word is very familiar but..how should i put it into english)will not believe in you' i said: sorry, disturbed you.
Share this with Joeku, and Joe asked me like, why apologize? i said she's just 'provoking' a fight and i am just showing her i am not affected by her, as a common good that 'maybe' in the future she might go: why didn't this guy 'respond' as i anticipated even for what words that i have typed? that's how i see it. and Joe said, to me, an "apology" happens when a mistake was made, or when you want to earn somebody's favor. this is just a point i'm seeing in myself... not judging you fred. i said i considered use it this way the 'best' for the common good, not just based on a ego of should i apologize.
Ok, so that's what a night. although i keep remind my self to give up my points that i am not my points. i felt angry? high blood pressure? faint week not having 'strength' like having a heart problem when i was smoking before? and i wasn't stable. it could be showing me i am self-dishonest and having anger inside me, of course i didn't participate in it..not as before. and one more thing, tonight i found i am more into through as and aware of my breathe while eating my dinner: rice. it's was, the awareness level was weak and tonight it is stronger. that's before i had my talkings with my mom.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to delve into the beauty system of enjoy the like/dislike energetic 'feelings' and defined as beautiful and ugly.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to enjoy the results of the social status and 'rewards' from being a high class society being and denying anything that's jeopardizing my energetic enjoyments and not caring about the cost of it and the consequences of the enjoyments.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to 'energetically flurt' those that are having high esteem in society like doctors or high income beings and please them to obtain 'relationship' with them, like my mom reflects to me.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to enjoy 'energetic partying' in gossiping, pleasing and look for 'fun' in being energetic inside and go laugh 'madnessly' not realizing that i am sound expression and constant in nature.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as points and believing that i am those points not realizing that it's the points that cause separation and not realize as Mykey said: i am giving up nothing for everything.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear of my mom's superiority expression and her financial control in illusion of 'power' that i am powerless, that it's fear that i have inside me and not self-directing myself that cause such fear.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be self-dishonest in defining myself as point/points, not realizing or acknowledge that i am oneness as equality in essence as all life as life here.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that my mom 'might' not re-open my internet connection after the discounted-promotion has ended and not self-directing, walk, Here.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel happy and polarized for when the first chinese girl showing a bit interested in the materials, that i was 'excited and joy' not realizing i was moved by external separated events/beings and polaritized the good to manifest the bad.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear of those separationish in china and fear i as that chinese girl might threaten by them.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to throw my anger to anyone around in every opportunity to make myself comfortable and just use them as a 'punch bag' no matter what they said.
So, we go back home, i got some looking up work in the freegate thing, it took me couple of hours, exchange with Wu Wei some information. ah, and yes, i 'see' this point in Wei too - i liked to keep talking and talking..sort of use talking as a way to 'energetically masturbate with myself through someone else'.
So, later on, tonight i 'see/decided' that it's 'time' to told mom that i am not going back to hong kong this year and i use that money to take a four year course that Desteni is providing and it'll cost 1100euro. she said she will not support me, she need to talk to me further about me associate with these devil/ghost works all day couple of hours each day. i told her if she didn't support me i'll go find alternatives, go find a job. and she use a 'superiority/dominator' way of saying she will cut my Internet line and will not re-open it for me at the end of this year. so that also cause me start to drop points to PM to Bernard, then kept on doing the translation.
then some girl from china with a response who are you? among the close to a hundred person that i posted onto skype. i was like ok..because last time that girl was kind of interested to the video title, but she needed to go to sleep or something and she added me. teenagers are quite 'different' at this moment for here now, i observe that they are vibrant, the first one's curious, this one is anger. and similar talkings like who am i where i am from, what this is about?..and i gave similar answers to her too. the difference is her reactions that she's feeding back on me, for first asking like am i a tibet separationlist..then she wasn't quite listening to what i said and began to say things like if you're such 'hate' to your country and i am a loyalist to my mother china then please? (i don't recall had she said please) don't use chinese characters to type and chat with me. i told her i am here to use this 'opportunity' to share with her my realization, to 'assist' but i am not here to 'decide' for her what the road that she like to walk. and if i made 'misunderstanding' in my words, i apologize. then she said something like: 'eat shit, stupid damn fool..then you go ahead and keep on your work, wake up..chinese whoever has 'consciousness'(it's funny i here now can translate this word into consciousness, back then i was like hmm..this chinese word is very familiar but..how should i put it into english)will not believe in you' i said: sorry, disturbed you.
Share this with Joeku, and Joe asked me like, why apologize? i said she's just 'provoking' a fight and i am just showing her i am not affected by her, as a common good that 'maybe' in the future she might go: why didn't this guy 'respond' as i anticipated even for what words that i have typed? that's how i see it. and Joe said, to me, an "apology" happens when a mistake was made, or when you want to earn somebody's favor. this is just a point i'm seeing in myself... not judging you fred. i said i considered use it this way the 'best' for the common good, not just based on a ego of should i apologize.
Ok, so that's what a night. although i keep remind my self to give up my points that i am not my points. i felt angry? high blood pressure? faint week not having 'strength' like having a heart problem when i was smoking before? and i wasn't stable. it could be showing me i am self-dishonest and having anger inside me, of course i didn't participate in it..not as before. and one more thing, tonight i found i am more into through as and aware of my breathe while eating my dinner: rice. it's was, the awareness level was weak and tonight it is stronger. that's before i had my talkings with my mom.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to delve into the beauty system of enjoy the like/dislike energetic 'feelings' and defined as beautiful and ugly.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to enjoy the results of the social status and 'rewards' from being a high class society being and denying anything that's jeopardizing my energetic enjoyments and not caring about the cost of it and the consequences of the enjoyments.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to 'energetically flurt' those that are having high esteem in society like doctors or high income beings and please them to obtain 'relationship' with them, like my mom reflects to me.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to enjoy 'energetic partying' in gossiping, pleasing and look for 'fun' in being energetic inside and go laugh 'madnessly' not realizing that i am sound expression and constant in nature.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as points and believing that i am those points not realizing that it's the points that cause separation and not realize as Mykey said: i am giving up nothing for everything.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear of my mom's superiority expression and her financial control in illusion of 'power' that i am powerless, that it's fear that i have inside me and not self-directing myself that cause such fear.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be self-dishonest in defining myself as point/points, not realizing or acknowledge that i am oneness as equality in essence as all life as life here.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear that my mom 'might' not re-open my internet connection after the discounted-promotion has ended and not self-directing, walk, Here.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel happy and polarized for when the first chinese girl showing a bit interested in the materials, that i was 'excited and joy' not realizing i was moved by external separated events/beings and polaritized the good to manifest the bad.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear of those separationish in china and fear i as that chinese girl might threaten by them.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to throw my anger to anyone around in every opportunity to make myself comfortable and just use them as a 'punch bag' no matter what they said.
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