Self in oneness, effects of knowledge and information

When i was translating the solution oneness video tonight, really heavyness within. shame, heavyness, stop what i have accepted and allowed. and stop is something that i haven't actively participated, i was: ok, this has to be stopped but i didn't stop myself within. which is fear of not existing anymore and not 'want' to give up, mainly sex and masturbation related. and i lately from the reptilian benevolence video series that (it was mentioned before but i wasn't getting what it means yet) that 'high' energy as excitements, hilarious, ecstasy comes from 'robbing' and throwing neagtive energies to others such as poor, suffering, pain, starving. this is as far as i realize so far. it..quite make sense to me. nothing comes from free, there is no free-energy, there is no la la land for everyone. no, it can't. i cannot reach the tip of a 'highness' in on the tip of the pyramid without stepping on the foundations of the bottom layer. and everyone 'can' reach the highness to the tip of the pyramid of highness of 'ecstasy', it's not possible. it 'apparently' possible because currently whenever people don't see, actually as i was before, even i see plant or animals that 'moves'..i looked back, i didn't treat them as equal to me, i just care about myself and what i get from the society, capitalistic system.

I was very if not totally mad and lost among existence at those time. i kept have 'thoughts' of: it's it, there is nothing i can do to the society, it's human, it's history repeating itself, i only have one life 80/90 years if lucky..but i missed something quite 'heavily'. my source as everything comes from a source, not oh it's just a/the source i more care about how 'great/complex/wonderful' i can built out based from this source. and secondly, i was not 'living'..at all. i was just systematically 'jerking' my time away and split of second ecstasy, then downness loneyness guilt remorse and then..go look for ecstasy again and then downness loneyness guilt remorse..and the cycle keep going and going and going for 36? years..not as 'concrete fulfilled meaningful' as this 8? months that i was involved into transcribing and translation. and i 'improved' a lot..in realization and physically on my living habit on earth here. to name a few, i don't pee at night anymore can sleep continuously for 6, 5 currently .. 4 and a half? hour..losing weight on the waist..belly..fully recharged after every night just for around 5 hours of sleep. my mom's like ..sleeping 9? hours..and she's quite frustrated for seeing my way of not falling into the category of 'a system'.

Have some PMs with angela. i mean, quite a reflection of myself. ego, enforcing what i see fit as 'right' on to others, 'want to assist others but in my way only', need to defend my ego whenever my opinion is offended. i shared with her what i realizations and see. currently i am..'reluctant but come to terms with oneness and equality'. it was 'difficult' to drop my opinions as my personality as who i currently am but i see it as who i am, tends to want to guard them, but hey, i mean why limited myself only to these bunch of opinions? why only to one 'ego' when i am 'truly' all ego..we are just playing inside a huge role playing game, but..i treat some characters are more 'valued' and some players i don't like, some i 'hate', some i more 'fond of', some i see them as 'wrong', some i admire and 'worship'..while missing the source of point of it: the player is life. i and all players are not the role or bubble suite that we are 'wearing' and lost in energetic battling, enslaving each other through 'profits as money' and avoid the consequences of abusing others, anything. not anymore, things are breaking down, deteriorating, fast, people are losing control to of themselves, i mean, look at the traffic, the drivers, my mom..everyone is getting more 'unstable inside their mind', pissed off..in a self-uncontainable way, most currently don't realize this.

I forgive myself that i haven't accepted and allowed myself to stop myself and i just kept pursuing outside and blame for the human nature as that is it, i can't do anything, it's futile, enjoy as much as i can before i die not realizing even if there is 'cease to exist' it is how i spend my life moments here on earth, no shame no regret in facing everything afterdeath..instead of lost in the sexual split of second ecstasy 'feelings', a mouse inside a turning wheel.

I forgive myself that i haven't accepted and allowed myself to give up sex and masturbation feelings that as proclaiming i am subjected to/limited to/can't exist without the split of second ecstasy feelings as mathematical separated relationship equated energetic balance expression that i am subjected and only limited by the definitions of this world and i cannot be 'free' when i was defined/bounded by that.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define free/freedom as do what i want/desire, enslave others as much as i can but keep a mask of i am nice and not acting anything in harming others, experience as much energetic pictorial masturbation as i can not realizing free is the source the as all life here as undefined by the bubble suits.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to worship knowledge and information instead of worshiping self not realizing knowledge and information is fear, fear of failure again, fear of wrong doings again, following past path as past experience as a starting point and not living when knowledge and information is worshiped and defined as me.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to obsessed into more and more higher energy feelings while not realize nothing comes for free and whatever i experience in highness the other lowness as starving, being raped, torture, suffering is needed to be manifested to balance it out, where else can it come from.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to only concentrate center in me me and me through thoughts feelings and emotions as a mind consciousness system 'told and directed me' how to experience myself through knowledge and information.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be self-dishonest as believing there is free energy and everyone someday can collectively enslave nature or earth as an energy source and human happy forever in the drug as sex ecstasy not realizing everything in existence is me is life here is oneness, happiness exist in play with oneness not enslaving within oneness but try to avoid the consequence of my acts.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear my fear of not existing, not..realize that i am here and everywhere is here, common sensely simple.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to enjoy energetically enforcing others to accept my assistance accept my way and i am right in supporting my ego as personality as guidelines/rules as satisfying my personal ego as a starting point.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to enjoy and have to defend my ego as programmed core essence codes whenever my opinions is in contradictions with others then it's always my opinions as code fragments is right/correct not realizing i am codes but codes are not me, currently, i am all life as oneness in equality.

I am not defined and bounded by knowledge and information, i release delete self-forgive information and knowledge that is not supporting oneness and equality at this moment.
I am not ego opinions and personality manifestations.