Saturday, May 21, 2011
Why I do self-forgiveness and what I have changed so far
What I have Realized. This I have read from Bernard's articles quite some time ago and I tend to forget/don't want to apply or recognize is energy(for instance, sex, feelings emotions, like when how you feel when you watch an animation) and when you live as energy and define your whole life as energy then you got your wish! You become/one and equal to as energy and when you die you no more exist. What happens when your watch runs out of energy? The movement does not exist/move anymore only the watch(physical) remains, isn't it? Really as simple as that and the physical molecules "stay" on earth -- they just dissolve and return back to earth and recycle/become something else, just like purification/recycling of water and manure recycle back to food.
So it is through self-forgiveness to totally forgive and release the past of what I have done(these events are still within me and reminding me as thoughts) and I can change and not be the old me with all these events at my back affecting and re-creating my future again and again. I can also feel large amount of release and can face the person again. For instance my father I used to hate him so much for totally selfish and treat us just a tool for his own benefit, if not through self-forgiveness and clear what I had 'hate' about him what I had done, I wouldn't be able to face him again, of course he has died now but we could meet again.
For instance sex(energy, pictorial excitement) was a major part that have constructed who I am today, and thoughts had become a degree are so severe that whoever I saw no matter my brother, girls, woman sexual 'fantasies'(if you'd like to call them that way) thoughts would automatically pops out and I would go: Shit! I can't go on this way, how can I stop it? I would lose control and would actually do it in real-life and I would get into big troubles and very likely end up in jail or worse, wouldn't I? I tried very hard to stop them but with no success. Thoughts just keep compounding having more vivid and more frequent sexual, not even desires anymore. I didn't start the thoughts and they just pop out.
Same with thoughts of chopping or piercing my eyes face thoughts of torturing my body(I believe these categorized as torturing). That's when I was at the early days when I first find out Desteni and realize we exist beyond death. Then it's like I subconsciously going: Ok, so my body is just a vessel and I would have thoughts of like putting my face on the hot cooker's electric coil is exciting as sexual stimulation. Or I feel excited when I watch bloody and violence movies or animations and think that must be exciting and would have thoughts of doing that to myself.
Isn't it common sense that if I continue this way ultimately soon one day, I would be in outrage and momentarily losing my control and would actually do it and harm myself or others. This is when I realize I must have do something quick and effective to stop my thoughts. Back then still haven't realize thoughts are a reflection of what I have accepted and allowed and have become. Thoughts are just a mirror reflecting who I am.
What I have changed. I stop the thoughts of hurting my body to get excitement. Thinking piercing my body would brings me great pleasure. That when I was cooking I used to have thoughts of putting my face on the hot electric cooker's coil and just like what they do in the Terminator 2 movies -- the fat guy got thrown on the cooking plate and steams(actually it's dry ice steams) coming out of the plate. Of course I need to correct and change myself by not doing it again and not participating in those thoughts after self-forgiveness. The thoughts of having sex with anyone I saw has also disappeared to a large extent. With these non-stop and ever compounding thoughts it was an harass to me and I just can't function normally -- That was not the one that I wanted to be.
What I haven't changed yet. Still clinging on animations and female nude figures. I keep reminding myself the consequence of energy and every feeling emotions I experience if I accept and allow addicted to that, it's common sense that I would become energy myself isn't it? So the desire for energy as sex and animations. Dealing situations without emotions especially not in angriness. For instance when some of my mom's christian friends knows it's me answering the phone and they just silent and don't speak a word I would feel angry and begin suppressing the angriness instead of directing the situation and stay in breathe. So right now my major problems are fears, sexual desires, animations, energies.