Why I do self-forgiveness and what I have changed so far

What I have Realized. This I have read from Bernard's articles quite some time ago and I tend to forget/don't want to apply or recognize is energy(for instance, sex, feelings emotions, like when how you feel when you watch an animation) and when you live as energy and define your whole life as energy then you got your wish! You become/one and equal to as energy and when you die you no more exist. What happens when your watch runs out of energy? The movement does not exist/move anymore only the watch(physical) remains, isn't it? Really as simple as that and the physical molecules "stay" on earth -- they just dissolve and return back to earth and recycle/become something else, just like purification/recycling of water and manure recycle back to food.

So it is through self-forgiveness to totally forgive and release the past of what I have done(these events are still within me and reminding me as thoughts) and I can change and not be the old me with all these events at my back affecting and re-creating my future again and again. I can also feel large amount of release and can face the person again. For instance my father I used to hate him so much for totally selfish and treat us just a tool for his own benefit, if not through self-forgiveness and clear what I had 'hate' about him what I had done, I wouldn't be able to face him again, of course he has died now but we could meet again.

For instance sex(energy, pictorial excitement) was a major part that have constructed who I am today, and thoughts had become a degree are so severe that whoever I saw no matter my brother, girls, woman sexual 'fantasies'(if you'd like to call them that way) thoughts would automatically pops out and I would go: Shit! I can't go on this way, how can I stop it? I would lose control and would actually do it in real-life and I would get into big troubles and very likely end up in jail or worse, wouldn't I? I tried very hard to stop them but with no success. Thoughts just keep compounding having more vivid and more frequent sexual, not even desires anymore. I didn't start the thoughts and they just pop out.

Same with thoughts of chopping or piercing my eyes face thoughts of torturing my body(I believe these categorized as torturing). That's when I was at the early days when I first find out Desteni and realize we exist beyond death. Then it's like I subconsciously going: Ok, so my body is just a vessel and I would have thoughts of like putting my face on the hot cooker's electric coil is exciting as sexual stimulation. Or I feel excited when I watch bloody and violence movies or animations and think that must be exciting and would have thoughts of doing that to myself.

Isn't it common sense that if I continue this way ultimately soon one day, I would be in outrage and momentarily losing my control and would actually do it and harm myself or others. This is when I realize I must have do something quick and effective to stop my thoughts. Back then still haven't realize thoughts are a reflection of what I have accepted and allowed and have become. Thoughts are just a mirror reflecting who I am.

What I have changed. I stop the thoughts of hurting my body to get excitement. Thinking piercing my body would brings me great pleasure. That when I was cooking I used to have thoughts of putting my face on the hot electric cooker's coil and just like what they do in the Terminator 2 movies -- the fat guy got thrown on the cooking plate and steams(actually it's dry ice steams) coming out of the plate. Of course I need to correct and change myself by not doing it again and not participating in those thoughts after self-forgiveness. The thoughts of having sex with anyone I saw has also disappeared to a large extent. With these non-stop and ever compounding thoughts it was an harass to me and I just can't function normally -- That was not the one that I wanted to be.

What I haven't changed yet. Still clinging on animations and female nude figures. I keep reminding myself the consequence of energy and every feeling emotions I experience if I accept and allow addicted to that, it's common sense that I would become energy myself isn't it? So the desire for energy as sex and animations. Dealing situations without emotions especially not in angriness. For instance when some of my mom's christian friends knows it's me answering the phone and they just silent and don't speak a word I would feel angry and begin suppressing the angriness instead of directing the situation and stay in breathe. So right now my major problems are fears, sexual desires, animations, energies.

Watching Power Rangers like TV episodes

When I was a little child I felt very excited in the Saturday morning I watched the power ranger like TV episodes. I felt excited like my blood is rushing up feeling hyper in watching the good looking main characters wearing attractive cool costumes and good looking girls, when at the climax of the characters change into 'little supermans' with super power and it is in the name of protecting earth defending peace to hit and fervently exert on hitting the ugly monster. I felt excited just by watching that. Subconsciously I wanted to be just like those characters I wanted to participate as them I worship them. I enjoy running and playing in the park but my father don't have time too tired and I cannot play have excitement and have fun. I though it was just excitement and Life should be looking for excitement because it felt good.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abandon self-love and haven't seen everything including my body is one and equal to as me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself wanted to experience energy and thinking using a Japanese sword just like in the animations can give me the same high and excitement when I slit my belly open and it is just exciting as what I felt when I was watching the animations.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself wanted to cut the tip of my tongue to get energy and excitements so that I am not bored and excited.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think the tongue is sensitive and it would give me extreme ecstastic sex like experience.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself project my love outside of myself and do not want to face self or self-love and obsessed developed having violence as my excitement.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize violence even to my body is not excitement but a way to fuel my ego.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to treat my body just as flesh to generate energy for me for sex masturbation and pleasures and have totally disregard it as aware and love it as self as me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look obsessed my passion in energy harvesting from sex masturbation and violence not realizing someone on earth had to pay for the high energy and I didn't see someone in the opposite side has to pay for my energy highness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think bullying ugly or evils or someone gives me a negative uncomfortable feelings are a sport that I feel excited and high that I can anytime in my thoughts participating in kicking them.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize everyone here are me and just expression within oneness and equality and have fun together.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to have special powers and can become a superhero having/catching all attractions and wanted to be worshiped.

Within seeing I wanted to be an heroic icon I stop and breathe and remind myself everyone is me and I am just expressing here.

Within seeing I want to exert on bullying others to exert my frustration/angriness inside me, I stop and breathe and remind myself I am bullying kicking my future me that I am just creating exactly how I would be treated.

I just receive an email from Andrea that I got sponsorship from Desteni Farm to study DIP for 1 year. It is both very exciting and a bit concerned when I saw that surprising email. I was in SRA before of course I didn't do well back then and I didn't see how I could make my living or earn money through SRA. We were told this would happen but Bernard haven't given us the details. It is always like that -- you know the details when you need to know. I was resisting and thought it was not useful and I was facing my mom even would cut my internet that I decided I need to find ways to earn money. I went for the real estate and now I change it to sell Enhancing children's Reading ability software.

So I expect it would be tough for the following year, when I am close to totally devoting my time to train myself prepare for door knocking and sales presentations. At the same time, need to handle bloging or even vloging(I found most people might not have time to watch vlogs -- it is slow and takes more time than just reading blogs)

Now, I need to add DIP-1 course into the my juggling. Due to how it did in my last SRA experience, I am a bit concern how I can handle everything well. Right now I haven't even start door knocking yet and I would need rest periods after door knockings each day. Things are piling up. We will see how it goes this time. I still prefer have the points written down when I do vlogs I speak smoother. Also how do I draw people that are really interested in Desteni in supporting bringing forth heaven on earth, really understanding why they should support Desteni and DIP -- these are the people that I need to get their attention.

One good news is when everything goes as planned my mom should pay for my laptop for Sales presentation. This has been troubling me that I currently don't have any money or can't find any jobs to pay for the laptop, which I must have one to do the presentation. First I accidentally told my mom that the real estate license fee has increased 50%, it actually is they are charging some technical support fees per year not per month, I only found out later. So my mom thinks it has increased the fee from 90 to 140 per months that's quite a lot, then to save her money she's forced to agree with me to cut the real estate license fees(since it would save her 150 per month) and "forced" to bet on my software selling and hope I might be able to make a living in this path. She is still not optimistic at my software selling business at all but this is a "less expensive" path for her to take.

The warm voice helps too.

Ok, so some updates on my progress. I found I wrote too much realizations on how this world currently is and how to fix it, actually to my realization so far, it's actually quite simple: Everyone give up their superiority or want to be kings or queens or want to have super richness's priviledge and start consider everyone equally -- No matter you look sexually attracted or so called "ugly"(causing negative emotions inside you) male or female, "doctor, lawyer or businessmen" or "garbage dump/sewage workers, janitors, factory slaves" everyone is the same under the Equal Money System. Start Consider/Take Care/Work/Play/Enjoy everyone on earth together and most importantly Equally!

Recap of these two weeks

1:53am. So writing again. Have been busying doing Software sales training these days. Have been communicating with Cameron. He has been quite assisting since I currently lack the knowledge in sales and he has been doing well in the sales now.

Have also been working in tuning my voice this is a very time consuming task that I need to constant monitor and find tune it. Difficult at first and still exploring.

Mom has been disgusting about Desteni and software sales. Not pledging much support at this moment, giving me a hard time in thinking of ways to come up with money.

Also have been engaged into translating the scripts into Chinese that is essential as most people living here speaks mandarin need Tanya do a mandarin recording. Currently the software still doesn't accept Chinese characters so I can't use it to help me recite the Chinese scripts. Would take some time in reciting it.

So far the English version script has been 'implanted' quite well, I am getting it better each day. Still practicing on using the program. Practicing on saying the words when I type it, I cannot say it aloud since I am with mom but it seems just by saying the words already achieve a bettering knowing stage than just type it.

So what I have been doing is plainly training myself to be a salesperson and lots of software information knowing training. English version has been satisfying and a little bit worry about the Chinese version but it is way easier than real estate where you don't need to cater learning so much details and information and have been prepared for so long and I still haven't earn a dime yet. There are way so much information that you need to prepare ahead in real estate. Here just concentrate on reciting the scripts.

Have been tired and sleeping close to eight hours each day. I need sometime to rest and revise my direction in how to do the sales job effectively. I confess that the most effective way is actually do it and revise. Usually what I have in mind is Not what it is like in reality.

Still have some thoughts of pictures of cutting myself and think it will generate energy for me. Since have stopped masturbation for a few weeks now, I/the mind is lack of energy and want to recharge through pain thinking pain is extreme exciting just by thinking about it