Dreaming insist every shanghai people are evil cunning and selfish inside

In the dream, for some reason we have two shanghai people, a mother and a son, the details I don't really remember what it's about but it's the after dinner and somehow the son is presenting himself as a nice person, but I know that based on how I contact with shanghai people's mind sets and what they act like I told myself that I know he is just pretending and he and all shanghai people's mind sets are cunning as a snake inside of him, selfish.

MC -> Assertion 堅持 (3 points)

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to based on how I heard and experienced from the shanghai people as cunning and selfish and treat all shanghai people's mind sets are selfish.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear shanghai people's mind set as cunning and selfish and could harm me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge all shanghai people's mind sets as evil only based on I haven't met any shanghai person that support oneness and equality.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to accept the shanghai people as me as one and equal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the shanghai people as being cunning selfish and vicious not realizing it's me us that is cunning selfish and vicious that they are reflecting what we are inside.

Within seeing the pattern that I want to assert a shanghai person is evil vicious I stop and breathe and test and see if that shanghai person support oneness and equality.

When I just wake up those periods are kind of like in the subconscious stage that I was between sleeping and awake, for two mornings I have thoughts of cutting my hands off with a japanese sword, it's horrible because thoughts are reflection of what my true essence is.

MC -> lenience 厚道 (10 points)

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to treat kind and lenience in this world is useless is garbage not realizing that we are oneness and equal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted to treat kind is we useless and why should I be kind to anything and lenience.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be lenience for I have been forgotten we are oneness and equal for so long.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear and resist in finding out the words so that I can hide in my self-dishonesties for as long as I can.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to be self-honest to myself and honestly look for the words that could assist me and write my self-forgiveness and clear my essence once and for all and self-correct afterwards.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist in finding out what I truly is and write self-forgiveness out accordingly.

Within seeing the pattern of I want to resist I breathe and stop and do self-forgiveness to clear the resistance.

I just found out the dreams are assisting us to face what we are not facing in real world, not necessary telling us what we should Self forgive on. Also I have asked Andrea about why I am not getting relative words when using MC, she shows me the dreams are here for us to stand up within the situation in the dream.

I have been preparing for the real estate exam, I should be making the vlog before I go back to HongKong, I don't really like going back 'cause there is no internet or anything there, just staying there for a month or so, but last year my mom don't allow me to drive the car and just being vegetarian makes my living really troublesome, needs to cook by myself and it's like trapping inside a prison cell, I don't have friends here to go out or have gatherings, living by myself only is really difficult for me, I enjoy chat with friends.

There is still difficulties in pushing me to make the vlog, I am calculating on what to speak what I would like to communicate to the world out there, to the destonian. in my mind I have been go through, simulating how to make notes and what to talk about, probably would first talk about my view to desteni and my feelings to desteni, and second topic is why equal money why equality. I know sometimes I will just need to go for it because it's almost always wouldn't turn out as what I planned through the mind, what through the mind is very limited. the most important is when I really do it, put myself into actually working on it then the plans will need to modify|change accordingly. I still remember I use weeks to plan how I am going to buy a chinese writing pen to assist me do the translation and it turns out because I need to exert the force down along the outer side of my hand against the floor it hurts me so bad that after using it for ten days, I have to give up the pen and learn chinese typings. today I can type moderately not very good but good enough to translate three hundred youtube videos, afterall, I have been typing chinese for a year now.

two indians playing poker and gambling on 1 million dollars onlined

In the dream, I was with my mother. she is as usual trying to save money and selecting and buying sausages into the shopping cart. I was impatient and frustrated because I was working there and I know the store owner is trying to hoax on her wanting her to buy as much as possible, the owner is silent. so I stop her and impatiently told her not to buy anymore we can't use that much. the store owner then said to me: you shouldn't mind your family's matter. I felt automatically frustrated and can't help but wave my fist to hit his mouth. then I woke up.

I used MC to test for emotion, feeling and dictionary, I can't get a clear unlock response and when I ask: on yes no, is there a word that would most assist me in writing self-forgiveness in regarding to the dream of me hitting the store owner? it gives me a no.

In this dream I saw two Indian playing poker, I was working or somewhat like that, all of a sudden everyone gather around the table(they were betting a few hundred dollars), so I go check out what is going on, I was working as a vegetable or market worker, they were an old and a young indian both betting 1 million on each other through an internet website and they have little screens showing both have 1 million bet on top of each other's head, and the young indian won, of course he's happy and I see the old indian is desperate and speechless. the screen on top showing 2 million. I was feeling: wow, that young indian can easily obtain such amount of money he can spend whatever he wants.

MC -> mellowing explanation richness 濃烈, Is it my desire for living richnessly? Yes. (3 points)

(this seems incorrect)

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to live in a richness life not realizing that richness is through robbing and enslaving others at the bottom of the pyramid.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself desire to live richnessly and project into enjoying the luxuries and living more than abundant not realizing that the abundant is suck from the poor|others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think poor people deserved to suffer while I want to climb the enslavement pyramid and live my comfortable and richness.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize that richness comes with pay back that richness needs to payback in upcoming lifes.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to have lots of money and buy lots of toys to play.

MC -> kill (nine points)

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself associate kill and energetic ecstasy together as high.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine killing is energetic excitement highness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only project my highness in killing but not realize that we are oneness and equal and consider for the one that is being killed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use killing to exert all my energetic frustration inside me out through killing.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize killing others is extreme pain and not a type of sport.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use video game simulation to exert my frustration and pump my energetic ecstasy in killing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself using the video game's pictures are not real as an excuse to exert my desire of killing other people.

MC -> impassioned 激動(6 points)

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel impassionate about killing others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to need to kill others to feel impassionate.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to obsessed my passion into killings.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself by killings.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be selfish and only care about the energetic impassion of killing others and not care about what the one being killed need to go through and suffer.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fuel my passion into killing others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project infuse the impassion of killings into gambling.

Within seeing the pattern of impassionate to kill others I stop and breathe and consider the other as me in oneness equality.

For those that are new here, the point of using muscle communication to assist in writing self-forgiveness is to clear and release purify ourselves, first self forgive and release the system, then through corrective application to step by step, bit by bit change|alter our essence|nature to be, like steering the car into the right course|track. I am still having difficulties in writing self-forgiveness throughly and fluently. I found the MC helps me a lot, although sometimes my MC response is not clear.

MC -> kissed 被殺死(3 points)

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to have mercy on the ones that are in my hand to kill.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be excited about being killed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project in the excitement of being killed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to obsessed into the extreme energy in being killed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fantasize being killed is extreme exciting.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to bend to superiority and accept being killed.

Within seeing the pattern I want to feel impassionate to kill I stop and breathe and consider having mercy on the ones that are in my hand.

Within seeing the pattern of I want to feel excitement of being killed I breathe and stop and do not participate.

fear of living in china

In the dream I was in china, in a poverty tunnel area, there is a woman that I am talking to her, she is kind and nice, I like talking to her but I was fear to stay there as I could be mistreated by the corrupted government and people over there, that I do not want to stay or I was very cautious while staying there. I also feeling sad (sighed) and have sympathy on her and those that need to live inside the tunnel.

fear of living in China|Poverty(10 points):

word that will most assist me: commonalty 平民, indigent 貧窮

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to live in poverty for I would lack of protection and suffer.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize that it is oneness in equality and should work in achieving|reaching everyone being take care of not avoiding being poverty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear live in china in poverty that everyone is surviving and cheating each other like animals.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear for people that might trick gain advantage and harm me when they are poor.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in dirty and poor environment not realizing that it is the people that I live with matters not the environment that I am living in.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear of being a commonalty and suffer.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to live in luxury and being rich.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize luxury and rich is pirating and sucking making the and the commonalty to nurture the rich instead of everyone being supported within oneness equality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to get high and luxurious living not realizing those are energetic stimulation with serious consequences and will not last.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear living in poverty country I will be extremely exploited and I can't do anything about it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear of being indigent and suffer.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear of need to suffer at the bottom of the enslavement pyramid and being indigent.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear of being poor|indigent and being enslaved by the rich.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear of being enslaved as indigent but just try to climb the enslavement pyramid but do nothing to help|assist in achieving oneness equality, making heaven on earth.

Within seeing me fear of indigent I stop and breathe and work my way in making heaven on earth.

I have dream about Robin for two nights, at the first night I ignore it and on the second night he appear again in my dream. I guess it's the interdimentions forcing me to face my problems. I was his friend for over ten years, to me he is a very always said nothing on the surface but vicious inside always trying to take advantages from people around him, so I don't value him as my friend that much, I am almost like being as friend with him but I am always cautious about him. for some reasons, one year, I don't know how the white light has preprogrammed our lifes, he met a girl wingie who worked there and every guys over there wants to be her boyfriend and I was attracted to her sex appeal too, sometimes I would very much wonder if I met her again and she's bald with only her true nature true essence would I be that much fond of her want to be with her, so he's with her and I was based on the equality principle thinking that it is her matter of who she wants to be and approach her, well she has been dating with different guys boys at that time, and somehow she told Robin of what I have said to her and of course, because of he sees her as a possession and want to possess her, he makes it as a big deal of me betraying him and stuff like that, so that's how we got separated in our friendship.

In the dream, I met him again, and he's kind of still angry inside, I told him that we can keep hating each other this way forever or we can set aside and continue walk our path. In the dream he understand what I mean and become friendly with me again, of course it's in the dream not in real life, yet. In the second dream we are just talking, I forgot the details.

to Robin (7 points), MC -> reset 重接斷骨, unthinkable

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate robin because of his reactions to me in posession to wingie.

I forgive myself that I haven't accept and allowed myself to realize that we are all oneness in equality and what I pursuit of wingie's just her sexual appearance.

I forgive myself that I haven't accept and allowed myself to forgive robin and reset our relationships.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that I have totally blame on robin for being obsessed and possessed on wingie and narrowing his sight of blaming me as the all fault.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame since robin has been using me all along for over 10 years in trying to gain advantages from my family so he deserves me being dishonest to him.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame robin for standing in the middle so me and wingie don't stand a chance and denied to accept him and rest our relationship.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame robin for being cunning and denied to be friends with him not realize he is reflecting I am cunning.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate robin for being selfish not realizing that it is me that is being selfish.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get angry at robin because of wingie and blaming him for shattering my chance of pursuing wingie.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to treat robin as an unthinkable unacceptable person.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see robin as disgusting to think about him.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself do not want to see robin and face him.

Within seeing the pattern I want to get angry at robin i breathe and stop and assist him accordingly.

Within seeing the pattern that I don't want to see him I breathe and stop the reactions coming forth.

In the dream I don't even remember with who or what circumstances I am remote controlling these little z-gundam robots and fighting one little robots to another robots. I still remember in one battle I break the opponent robot's arm or something then the opponent feel screwed this time, and I don't want to but I have to and keep going tear his robot's arm off.

battling in games of z-gundam robots, MC -> merciless 殘忍 (4 points)

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be a mean and merciless person.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use survival as a reason to morph myself into a merciless person.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think merciless is the most useless and a sign of week in the universe.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deceive myself that I don't need to treat people mercy because I only have one life and I need to always climb to the top of the pyramid and be a dominator.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize that we are all oneness and equal and being mercy is being mercy to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to treat mercy as weak.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be selfish and not being mercy and kind to others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that a strong man do not allow mercy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look for energetic excitement flow in brutal 殘忍

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress my brutality nature.

Self-Forgiveness on killings on video games and fear of cops

多謝大家留言支持, It has been for quite quite awhile, a long while ago almost a year ago before I pushed by Robert to pick up and write this blog again, ha, it's almost a dead blog.

What has happened this year? lots and lots of things happened. I have been doing the translation work in http://www.youtube.com/DesteniChineseTD. Using one year, I have translated close to 300 videos. Thank goodness most of the core videos I have translated them into chinese, got some 200 to 300 stead viewers, also setup a chinese forum for mostly at this moment are taiwaneses to gather up. Of course their response currently are not very active in participation.

Also studied the Desteni SRA course for a couple of months, it assist a lot because at least for my current level, I can use muscle communication to ask the physical about like my dreams about, give me hints give me answers. The SRA took me a lot of time and effort to do the exercise and know the materials because it is totally not as easy as I think. Really need to spend a few hours each day to do the 'SRA homeworks', and for the worse part I find the materials difficult to understand. To me they are not very detailed or sometimes lacking of examples which I find examples are very important in learning the materials. So right now because of money time and efforts I have stopped SRA for a month or so, 'hopefully' I can as Andrea said, re-join another group once I got stablized in the real-estate business which I would also write about in the next paragraph.

Money money and moeny. what I found out in the matrix - this current enslavement pyramid world, what I or you need is money. everyone needs money. like without money my mom fuicking even said will cut my internet line, I can't support myself to keep contact with Desteni. I have encountered some people said: Oh so you have changed? you destenians still have desires? It is not desires 欲望 or anything, it's the basic common sense, without money Desteni even can't exist I see that point after I joint desteni for awhile. so what can I do? I don't have a degree, currently too late go back to school and earn a degree or so(and I missed the chance to work for desteni education because I don't have a degree to apply for a NT visa) so how can I generate money? it would almost be a miracle happen on me to generate money in vancouver this lousy business area, while like 3 to 4 years ago when still is the white-light period, I have studied real-estate and wants to become a realtor, but they require you to pass an exam first. at first I was like, I was never good at studying and memorizing things, my Life was programed that way, so I gave up 2 years ago, after studying for 2 months and everything was still a cloud a mess inside my head, I just read but nothing is processed and I can't recalled them. However, these few months I realized: Oh shit! I can't go on like this. yes I support Desteni with chinese translation but I am not getting any money, even when they said I can go and train in SA for 2 months, I don't fuicking have the money to buy the ticket. and after a year's full time work, the DesetniChineseTD channel is already quite on track 上了軌道, as I said most of the core videos got translated I should consider how to earn money to support me, at least to keep my internet opened and maybe even some extra money to support desteni, so I decided to pick up the real-estate licensing course again, thanks Life I hadn't paid it, I got a 1990 version text book from a friend.

So I study it for two months, strange, this time, things are more smoothe the materials are more make sense when I read them this time. maybe I am reading through the physical? I am not sure, before I was squeezing my brain to try to 'memorize' them, I mean I know nothing about Desteni and all how these things work, I knew nothing, I though the brain cells are everything. I mean, how primitive we currently are, how less we know about this universe or even how our body works and everyday all sorts of people on radio TV you name it, claiming they can heal or are experts on what area and they are making a living earning lots of money! In fact they are the very naive and ignorant people propergating their theory. this world is totally in reverse. so I am on the road to take the real estate exam again, I mean I want to work for desteni, I want to work for desteni education, of course right now the more practical would be want to join the Desteni income plan, but even that I would need money I would need to get some income and re-join the SRA course as a prerequisite.

Oh man, writing this already cost me 2 hours, not to mention I have dreams every night and still haven't use Muscle communication to assist me write SF on last night's dreams. I don't have time to write at this moment, I need to study the real-estate exam, if I fail, I would need to wait at least three months before I can retake it.


Ok, here is some backgrounds for my dream. I dream I was inside a video game, I am a woman(very strange) an agent or something with a gun and have a female partner tied up, and got some nudity scene too(don't know why), then she got disappeared got moved somewhere, then I was stalking inside a room and a uniformed security guard was walking opposite site, and I have a split of a second want to shoot him. I kind of like project I have sort of feel the high excitement surge(split of excitement) if I go shoot him.

killing people inside video games(MC test out-> joilliness 愉快).
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to kill people inside video games.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to experiencing killing inside a video game.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see shooting a gun to kill people inside a video game is cool not realizing what I accepted and allowed will be my nautre essence.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself I want to kill people inside video games.
I forgive myself that I have accpeted and allowed myself to feel 愉快 in killing people inside video games.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to find my jolliness in killing people inside video games.
I forgive myself that I have accpeted and allowed myself to think it is 愉快 to kill people inside video games and it's just virtual.
I forgive myself that I have accpted and allowed myself to want to feel killing is 愉快.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to enjoy the nastiness of killing people inside video games.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel happy and excited when seeing people suffer and being killed.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel excited when I see people suffer and executed.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exert my spite on people by killing poople.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel elation when killing people.

Within seeing I want to enjoy the joliness of killing people inside video games I stop breathe and do not participate for everyone and everything in existence is oneness and equal.


this is a dream that I was talking to a cop, he was very friendly almost like a friend. I have a partner he is at the back of the van, we have many crates of guns and ammos, for some reason my partner is frustrated and he wants to show the cop the guns and ammos, I was quite frighten that he would do so and the cop might find out.

fear of cops (5 points) (MC word that will most assist me in writing SF: evil 邪惡 魔鬼, meek 謙恭)
I forgive myself that I have accpepted and allowed myself to fear cops.
I forgive myself that I have accpeted and allowed myself to fear cops have guns that can kill me.
I forgive myself that I have accpeted and allowed myself to fear being killed and not existed anymore.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have to be humble and obey cops or else I would get into troubles.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear cops as gods.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to bend myself fearing of cops.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to spite cops are evil.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate cops are evil.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that a cop can harm me anyway he wants.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see myself as a evil person in front of a cop.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I might discover my deeds as evil in front of a cop.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see myself as evil in compare to a cop.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to meek to a cop.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make me inferior and humble to a cop.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that I must meek and worship a cop.

Within seeing me wanted to meek a cop I stop and breathe and being normal and do not fear him.
Within seeing me feeling inferior and worrying i am evil in front of a cop I stop and breathe and do not fear of a cop.

Living in Texas..begin

Haven't blog for a while, it was literally full throttle most of the moments in translating, and transcribing. Translate the solution series, took 'a lot of time' at this moment, but it's worth it. there are really points that i didn't 'hear in', i just heard at the knowledge and information level and i didn't realize/clear on them yet. and through translation i am more one and equal to the points, 'cleared'. and i found out, it's my past that need to write out to release it inside, not as a basic construct/food for the mind consciousness system. and so, writing on my history again. it's quite surprised that there are so many about my past that i 'can' write about.

So, i was in Texas with my aunt and her family. there is also a 'illegal' immigrant from taiwan that she was 'renting' a room, hiding or something, she worked in a restaurant as a waitress, 'actively' looking for americans to get married, and got 'dumped' quite most of the time by caucasians. you know, the american 'live in paradise dream'. including myself that i didn't consider the nature of oneness and equality.

I self forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fantasize about dating Lilly while staying in my aunt's house.

I self forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to keep looking for enslaving others and have better living while others suffer and ignored the oneness and equality of the nature of us as self as life here.

I self forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to 'use' others as advantages to as stepping stones to take personal self-interest and down to the core, my core was just caring for myself of what i can get from others for myself.

I self forgive myself for haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize that the 'paradise' living is built on others' as myself's suffering that i didn't care for oneness and equality and i just urge desire for what i want to experience energetically.

I live principle living as oneness and equality.
I consider oneness and equality, as effective and efficiency.


So she was there. i was, a..18? 19? youngsters. who..hadn't been out of my home for camping before. well, i was a bit take it for granted for what i have experienced in the house, that there are food when i am hungry, there are TVs, there are 'model kits, toys' that i can go to model shops and 'desire, dreams for' whole day long..but i didn't hv money to buy it, most most of the time. mom takes care of laundry. and i just lie on my bad, reading animation magazines from classmates or later one when i had my first job or something, i bought my first video game player and 'play'. (that's after i came back to hong kong, from america).

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to just lived in a living of experienced and enjoyed for myself, instead of realize the oneness and equality living and 'contributing' my part but just want to hide away and dodge my responsibilities, and 'rest'.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define my life as living only through as experiencing energy then i am 'alive' and i am living and my life was meaningful.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project myself as need energy and saving/preserving my breathe/strength through resting not realize that it's all the mind and i lived through as the mind consciousness system.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to the my self-directive principle living instead of letting my thoughts, feelings and emotions to 'direct' me in situations to how i act afterwards accordingly, instead of stand up within myself and self-direct.

I self forgive myself for accepting and allowing to live and define myself by being right correct and good not realize, there is only oneness and equality.

I am self-direct and not letting my mind consciousness system as thoughts, feelings and emotions to direct me how i should experience myself.

I am not defined myself as pursuing one side, the 'good/nice/feeling' side of the polarity, i am here as all any side.

So, at school or the community college. it was smooth at first i presume, cause it's beginning course or something, wasn't doing as good as when i was in wisconsin's high school though. english was a 'problem' i mean, just words in MCS way can be complex, expressing similar things can have so many words to express and for a foreigner, it was 'difficult' especially when involve into courses of english. i mean, as far as what i have experienced and observed, it's really, not my cup of tea. i mean, ok, let's say i was..the english lecturer for my first fiction reading course or something, she could be 'tender'? she was a journalist/a novel writer herself. she was 'interested' in different culture, she 'looks to me' understand my expressing in english at that moment wasn't 'fluent' at all to a college's level, i mean, don't see my words here now as who i was, if anyone or you at this moment are reading this. i was like..middle school level? especially with the limited vocabulary i had, even here now, it still is. i mean, just like chinese, for a 'culture' that had gone through for five thousand years, and asking someone to realize/understand all those developed through five thousand years, with a mind system inside..i was always dreaming, why..or if i was born in a native english speaking country, my 'future' would be easier. so, she gave me a B or A- or something, and that only reflects on my 'interest' on participating into the writtings. and later on, american history, or even politics which was required or my councellor(spells like a cancellor to me) arrange me. basically, i was rock bottom at those years afterwards. i didn't do good at all, i did various methods but i didn't observe it assists much. while others, i really even at this moment, i still didn't 'counsciousnessly' know how they did, other foreign students i mean, i did asked them before, but i mean, at those periods, not many would tell you much. what i told was stuck in a library, or..just stuff it in. i mean, ever since i grow up, into the middle school, studying isn't 'fun' anymore. memeorizing wasn't my strong at, maybe i wasn't programmed to walk such life..and from here now i look at, everyone was just 'beingness' of a system, a robot or something and i didn't want to be like that. everyone just stuff things in, stuff points in, and it's there..but i couldn't, it didn't work on me. so, people works all sort of ways, finding pass papers, and lecturers, *sight..especially currently here the colleges that i went to..some are terminators as trashing students. i already notice this when i was in high school in hong kong, i was wonder: did, no body in the government knows about? can i suggest/advice to them the truth? .. WT* .. it's the reverse, they made it this way. i have to say it again. WTF. that we have inside us to manifest such world for us to live in. so, pretty 'students' are, usually do fine, might not and..i mean, wouldn't expect them to be book worm or something, i didn't expect so at least. it's like copy machines race. not even photo cameras, it's copy machines. others, are mainly on the lecturer's hand of how much scores that you can squeeze out from them. so, it was screwed. i became, hid away. i mean, i didn't want to..i also was the same moment, experiencing my own 'free'. with no parents. so i went to play video games, without letting my aunt knew, and my parents too. i mean, i didn't want to go to face the system school, but i couldn't stay in my aunt's house and sleep, at moment, sleeping was my hide out..was like, an addiction. that i was addicted to sleeping. i enjoyed being slept instead of active. i was enjoying the beingness of sleeping that i sort of like i 'love' sleeping. i eat only when i had to, then an hour? one and half maybe then i 'wanted' to delve back into sleeping. and i was 'home' sick, extremely. i was like, this world..all of a sudden, it was so cold, everyone's so mean, cold, distant and plotting and defending against each other. and i m among them. of course i didn't see those are my reflections. and just like mother teresa's interview, i lost 'my support' for me to go on. i was, collapsed inside. i was looking for my green house back in hong kong with my mother, father..projecting my future to be back to them. even in my aunt's house, it was like, i was an 'extra' outsider. and i played video games just liked, went to a casino or something. even for games that i finished, just played it again.

I self forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hate and reject, resisting the school system, as deceiving and wasting time, not realize that i/we collectively created that and we live with the current education system.

I self forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in enjoying power and authority in schools and reflected on lecturers as absolute authority in giving grades.

I self forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fond of those that i like or sexually attracted and i offer my assistance but reject those that challenge me instead of evaluating the situation common sensely.

I self forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to like and want to get close to those that agree with my opinions instead of giving up my opinions as the opinions are a separation of here and i 'copy' the opinions from my parents and others in the first place.

I self forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to 'think' i am my opinions.

I self forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to limit myself by 'thinking' i cannot memorized stuffs with a text book size information and instead of realize it's common sense that works and assist me in living.

I self forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear of my fear of studying in the current education system.

I self forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use sleeping as hiding and not facing this world as myself and just want to feel comfortability experience comfortability, not realize the oneness and equality in this whole picture.

There is no 'power' and authority but everyone at this moment, expressing and facing their own consequences afterdeath, afterwards.

I am not my personality or opinions, i am self all here.

I for those that i currently find sexually attracted or fond of, they are me as self too, and those that i don't fond of, or dislike, they are me too.

I don't fear my fear of studying. i work common sensely with studying.


So, i was collapsed, 'home sicked' in this america reality, that all i was, 'lost'. It was like i was dealing with multiple 'pressures'. there are so many things i needed to achieve, yet, studying was not 'on my side' so to speak. i was like, why? why did people keep saying, just face it more and more and the information will 'reveal' and it would be there inside your heard(i didn't know it was about revealing pre-programmed life information carried within our human DNA? or something, back then). i tried many many, various methods, drinking coffee, tried not to sleep, and, the vocabulary 'gap' was big, i mean even for here now, if someone give me a novel, in english, tell me to read/write a read-after report even looking up words in the dictionary could cost me much 'time'. and i was using a 'battling' attitude, to try to overcome, achieve, wasn't considering what 'you fight persist'. So, i started to skip classes. at first it was, see if i can concentrate more time in studying the material, later on, i just hide away from it. i felt 'comfortable' or having a little place, 'space' of my own, that i can leave the 'problems/troubles' away for awhile, a silent/quietnessness within me. and later on, it became, i did quite bad in the exams. you know, lecturers that i encountered at that moment, they enjoyed 'you have to answer my own ways, of what i have said, in class' like the lecturer's words are law. and the lecturer is god in whether he likes to give one's score or not. I was at those period, i asked myself: 'what am i doing here? i wanted to stay back with my parents, i was not happy, i was using quite an amount of money' and living, within someone else's house. it wasn't a 'nice experience' at all, this, thank goodness for we are in-truth in nature, in essence oneness and equal within as each other. and for those three years, i have suppressed myself for i'd say, almost everyday, you know, when i was not happy inside, but i need to go on, and can't show it, or showing it outward will 'jeapordize' my situation, or it break the 'relationship' that would not assist. i was, the beingness of 'survival', and many everything about myself was expandable. and i pinch/suppressed myself each day, suppressed what i felt, my unhappiness, suppressed my home sick.

I self forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be home sick, defined by a family construct, need companion instead of realize that every comes from a source as life here and everything in existence is self.

I self forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to enjoy in a family so that i can have more 'time' in experiencing myself energetically instead of expressing myself in assistance and contribute to self to life our original source, onenessly.

I self forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to be memory system that can exchange for comfortable jobs but with un-proportional amount and lots of money as enslavement of others as the nature essence of myself, self instead of living oneness and shamelessly, self-honestly, onenessly in facing existence, forever.

I self forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself suppressed self for years just for survival, and suppressed the un-happiness and beingness of separated inside me and perceive 'man are tough to sustain must have trained by suffering, throw away self for survival' not realize that, everything was caused by myself.

I self forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to perceive that I cannot stay without a relationship, and afraid of loneiness not realize that we/I am alone in existence.

I self forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to 'think' i can't live without separation as relationship and energetically hightened by relationship, not realize that we are all one from the same source of life, here.

I self forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my fear of others being spike my acts when i 'apparently' is under, limited under, inferior to others under circumstances, and suppress myself as self-dishonest to others as self, and being fake to them.

I self forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself fear my fear of being controlled, or harm by the authority, elite, or police, because they currently have tons of money and arms, not realize that first fear doesn't not assist, and just manifest and make things worse and worse, and second, it's not how long I stay on earth but how i spend my stay in every moment, while i am staying.

I self forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my fear of dying in immense heat and the pain caused by immense immense heat of a nuclear explosion.

I self forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hang on to the idea defining masturbation and sexual experience as something that's worth to hang on in this world, not realize that this world, is a 'apparent temptation' for spend first and paid extremelly later afterdeath in facing oneness, beignness of equal and one to.

I self forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel safe and secure when i fear, not realize it's the opposite that this world currently is opposite, as fear manifest what i fear.

I am oneness, we are one from the one source as life here.
I do not live in relationship or separation.
I self-honest to everything in existence as me as self.

Experiencing the Bottom of the Pyramid Hierarchy

So, it was so 'harsh' and enslaving work. what i see from my ex-boss, the tofu factory one. Fear me, cunning, greedy, total ignore of others, abusing, exert his anger and frustration onto others, totally blame others as it is their fault, (it's interesting to mention that, the stone grinder that grind the beans breaks into half, and he said: damn it, lose money again, i mean..even if i weren't there. Things would happen to manifest his frustration inside to release the energy, and current it seems he didn't notice this and it also means 'seem' as i didn't notice this yet. i am working and continuously 'clearing' myself though, i mean, else, i might have tricky/difficulties 'time' in supporting and continuing my internet and the translation in chinese support). and a big point, enjoy exerting/shooting angers inside me to make others suffer or take my anger systems then i feel better when they're fear of me. feeling superior and i am taking this all back to myself to 'feel' and see for myself. only in the opposite 'role'.

Also, still have sexual fantasies inside to want to use masturbation to exert the 'momentary' forget the pain. still yet, having instantatanous 'reactions' to woman or girls' body. i see this as currently as 'want to experience sex' before i die, or a 'over fantasized energetic projections through porns', metaphysically. but as the Desteni newsletter 3 mentioned, i am intergrating, awareing of my body with four count breath. to walk back what i have been missed. actually i sort of experienced similar things couple of months ago, when i was seeing animation porn, i being 'together' with my body and have momentary 'stable, stopped, hereness' and find the contents of the porn 'not very interesting', for a moment. this sexual fantasies is 'annoying' because whenever whoever it's a woman, it could bring out 'nudic ideas', seldomly it's man..i don't know yet how the body is functioning at this moment, they said the life essence has been taken out, but i did 'come' without pictorial or not even aware of myself, i was so tired this tired is the body not myself, i still sleep only six hours a day, and pains especially at the waist spine section.

Also, constantly have the 'image' of my legs being rolled over by a bus. doing self-forgiveness on it. is it i worried for i am so tired that i might lose balance and felt on the road being rolled over? is it i wanted to use the rollover pain as a 'drug' and associated metaphysically immense pain 'opens up' immense sex/masturbation pleasure? to temporary ease/balance the pain that i am experiencing.

I 'like' working/experiencing the bottom enslavement layer to 'cure' my desire for enjoyment or what's wrong with want to have dim sum or stimulations, i personally literally experience that know what it was like. the pain, the suffering and not desire for more anymore. not within oneness and equality 'frame'. to assist me in 'stopping' myself in just go to a chinese restaurant, sit down and then food and others will serve me and i am good. not realize/experience what is 'behind the back door', the atrocities and suffering. and this experience, i absorb into myself so i 'remember' and don't do it again.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to just enjoy and look to climb at the tip of the current money pyramid system but not caring the real-living life of the bottom pyramid base that is suffering and supporting those that are at the top.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be cunning, greed, and not caring a nickel about others' suffering as it's not my problem you die and i only got my money and i only got one life instead of realize the consequence of personal selfish on money and the caused effects on oneness and equality as doing back to my up-coming days' self.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to totally blame others for my unpleasant experience, abusing others treat them like nothing not realize what i experience is all me inside me and have a chance for me to look at.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to exert my anger, anger into others and make them fear me to feel happier inside not realize it is a loop and re-create my experience until i clear it self-forgive them efficiently and self-corrective applying as not do it again.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to want to use sex and masturbation as a means of balance my pain that's experiencing inside me while working at the tofu factory.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to want to fonder and lick my boss's wife?'s sex organ just because she's 'treating me better' and not realize this masturbation or sex acts fantasies based on pictorial based are 'out of control'.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to want to fonder the blond teenager getting on the bus instead of realizing the this not self aroused oriented but reactive based on uneasyness unpleasant of pain inside me and i didn't ask permission from her as self and this reactive sex fantasies has to stop.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to want to kiss my ex-boss mr. lau as a punishing him, as a stimulation as a oneness and equality act.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear the fear of because of too tired and drowzyness and busyness that i might lose balance or didn't see and fall my head into the soy bean grinding machine and crushed painfully.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to project immense pain as direct proportional immense sexual pleasure since the more pain i am experiencing the more i 'desire' of sex not realize that it is all in the metaphysical and not true and not respecting and one and equal to my body.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to take food for granted and not realize the suffering at the bottom pyramid layer enslavement that is going on and people that need to be 'enslaved' to generate the food and other needs that seemingly ' it's just there, it just magically there, they got paid for producing such things, it is their problem and they don't seem suffering too much, i didn't see their suffering ' as an excuse to keep want more energetic stimulations.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself want to have my legs rolled over by a bus to generate immense pain and project having immense sexual pleasure in return not realize it is totally metaphysical fucked up ideas and pain only cause more pain.

Three days experienced in the Bottom Class as Tofu worker

Ok, it has been a while since i write this blog. few weeks has passed. so, worked in a tofu factory for three days. lots of..mirror feed backs, one major one is i enjoy exerting my anger and frustration to people around me whenever i have a chance, almost like using that as a drug and it is shown by Mr. lau's reflections on me, my ex-boss so to speak. and another thing is i really have a lot lot lot of realization of what i have accepted and allowed for take it for granted, even a little piece of tofu, bean curd or soy milk, oh and yes, they did put a lot of additives inside, working as an uneducated worker at the lowest suppressed almost close to the bottom of the pyramid base level. after experienced such hurting, extreme sharp edge pain on my back that i can't hardly move last night that i need to sleep early, the current money system pyramid hiearchy is plain, apparently a music chair game, but in behind truly it was a game of certain beings playing with 'reincarnations' into the 'good lifes' as elites. every piece of especially waist below muscles hardened like robots moving, stiff and sharp pains back of spine it is not just pain, it was sending a signal that it can't handle very well at all and stop doing suppressing 'me' again, yet i was 'required' to work the next day. it's not my ex-boss don't need me, for such harsh work he need someone and an extra turn of making another tofu already can 'earn' my little salary, it's me dress up my coat and he knew i was looking for other jobs that 'pissed' him, i am glad at this moment i still have shelter and food to sustain myself and support for the Desteni oneness and equality project. for those that are on what i have experienced daily or even worse, i am ..shamed of myself for pursuing all sorts of things like dim sum to make all sorts of people involved especially the lower pyramid base level workers, that as long as i have or my family have money, i want to go to a 'restaurant'..or the waitress/waiters..it's their job, they don't seem tired..once i worked behind the 'back door'. i can say, i don't 'like' to eat any bean produces, again. same as dim sum, i mean, the suffering and pain is so 'horrible' this three days, did assist me a lot in seeing how the lower extreme low class in the pyramid base is experiencing, how the actual pain and suffering they are in. literally, shortening their life time to exchange for money for their boss. and not to mention the physical as the beans are being boiled and crushed. this 'system' of madness in everyone wants to be the tip of pyramid can't go on like this, actually i knew, before, quite very well, but i just want more, more video games, more stimulaiton/greed on food, more traveling go here go there. ok, continue maybe next morning, it's tired 'today'.