Thursday, June 25, 2009

Lost in Breathe in Compare to Embracing Breathe

Saw Bernard's video yesterday, a member v-loging his Experience about how he practiced breathing inside his room and lost track of time and just stayed in his Breathe when he was a teenager, i presume it was like living out of the mind, he said he's so 'absorbed' into it that he Needed to recall Fear to make his mind works again to get out of it, he didn't recall/can tell exactly how long has he been liked that. i found it quite fascinating, besides when Bernard post something out, there's usually a Reference value in it. this member mentioned he was trying to get-lost of himself, well, we did that frequently, whether it's s**, dr**gs, alco**l or smoking - i see them as a form of momentary get lost of ourselves. so i went, ok, let me try get lost in my Breathe and see.

What i found is, it's not very bad but i did have thoughts - frequently. i did sort of dissolve into my breathe or feel Inside it, but thoughts flow out - frequently. i at this moment don't know is it supposed to be/or just me/what should be adjusted but the word Lost imply that i am not in control of it. so, i switch back to Embrace my breathe. this 'feeling/beingness' of Lost is i was not in Control so i didn't have the Control in the Lost process/duration - interesting.

Anything i just Realize is to give up thinking in every moment - Simplicity helps in this but in the past i have tried being Simplicity in every moment, it was nice, but become reactive when watching porns. hah, i just realize, maybe i should Also Simplified the Reactions like se**ual aroused through simplicity - push Simplicity a step further. how about Simplified the Energetic surges inside me, flowing around my balls these days?


Oh, so yea, was very Extreme/Due situation in Wisconsin. at that period was difficult and harsh - inside myself. we went to Chicago/somewhere i forgot, took some pictures, i didn't notice until i look at the pictures that my facial expressions was directly showing what i have inside - unhappy and confined self, full of it. Lost direct communication with my parents, can't talk - freely, you know, the version of what really happen on me here is not the Exactly what my guardians' version - i mean, even for my past me at that time, i wouldn't say/report something to someone that won't serve my personal-interest |o|. in what i see, is they are placing me sort of as an extra financial income. i mean, they have a 20year old corolla and a 10year old starlet, a month/two before i moved away - they sell the old corolla and bought a camery - that's is not a coincidence, i mean, if it's not the rent and fees that i paid assisting, would they buy that? i currently still see it that way.

so i told myself i need to get out of this. i wrote to my dad that i am moving no matter what, i even find a classmate's uncle who's also from hong kong that verbally said they are willing to be my guardian and i said i would find my own basement somewhere[for i am living in a basement for months already - they didn't care, just complaining me drank his wife's coke and play with her old PC in the basement, well, i was a teenager, curious about this world, about living, about tricky materialistic things, enjoy and curious about how come the coke tastes so rich in america than in hong kong. and i got no way out, only suppression and keep suppressing inside me, because i told myself according to the situation that i am in - i cannot express myself freely if i did, there will be cracks between me and my guardian's family and that will only jeopardize my staying here in usa or if not, relationships will get worse. so i sort of confined myself and silent on the outside, but the facial expression can't fake - for me no, i am not those that are willing to Suppress myself and trade for something in the reality world. i took double gym, i enjoyed shuffling snow 2 times a day, later i found out it's not because i enjoy it's i used them as an Exhaust to pipe my steams out]. my parents do not agreed on the moving out, i insisted.

I went to Texas to visit my aunt for couple of days/a week or so, i currently don't recall how long that was. Everyone in her family was nice to me and i was like - i would rather stay in this Hot place than go back to Wisconsin, that's how i felt when they took me back to the airport for returning. everything was so direct, opened and simplified for an 18year old kid. i didn't consider relationship or fending myself from people around my circle that much. so i told my parents that how about i stay with my aunt instead? they hesitated, and said that's not a good idea. i didn't see it back then, i mean, why put your son into friends' hand and not into your own sister's hand? i mean, i didn't get it. even when i recall it now, my family and relatives especially my father's side are totally beasts like personal-centered relationships and they just liked gossiping, exposing other relatives' words' spoken and transfer them to other relatives as a token of loyalty to you/hey, i am your friend - trust me thing, alliance. |o|, it was totally a mess.

This i only later know - detaily. my aunt couldn't see clearly, her eyes got white thing - veiling her sights. she came from mainland china and my father sort of took care of her together with one of her brothers too. my father had exert his anger to her - frequently/couple of times, scolding her as blinder. hurt her i presumes, so she's close with her brother, my father's ex-wife and my brother when he's a child. they are in close relationship - i mean, when ones have a common target, you formed close alliance - you get close to the 'others'. she went to america with her husband, well, how he went is another story. he lived in an orphanage and sort of have a of 'foster parents' in usa, i don't know if he knew or not him was rich. once he grown up, he used all sorts of means/ways to locate the address of his foster parent's address, and write to him, send him christmas cards, send him presents or so getting Related to him - make him fond of he. that's how he got connected and got his ticket to america. so she asked me a lot of things/more of 'questioning' why no one's taking care of 'their' mother[my granny] and why on their brother died, on his funeral our family wasn't there. i mean, i was never told of such things, i didn't know, i was only 18 - never've been dealing with 'Adults' who are like a walking battling fortress/countries indeed - faking on politics, smiles and relationships. i told her it's not that we don't took care of my granny, she didn't want us to help. |o|, i didn't know exactly why my granny is like that - but she enjoyed seeing/making her sons and daughters dueling on each other and only loyal to her, that's how i would put it, that's how i see her acts. ok, my aunt said she didn't buy that/believe what i said - this 'trial' didn't happen when i first visit them, i mean i would have 'consider' twice if that happened. she consider/take those words that she fond of - and she was so stubborn on herself, to an extent that - well she's not educated, she's secluded in her own world - because she can't see, she's always asking why she needs to suffer her sickness while others don't need to, she needs to pipe her suppression out - to someone. when i recall all these, i like to look for a silent place inside me simply to experience the silence.

i mean, when i watch the Desteni: First molecule interview, through translating it, i absorb more of what it's saying. make me, said, i mean what has we gone into what situation now? we are talking about through and as mind consciousness system. not even/haven't realized how the nature/the air that we breathe/being a molecule is already a form of enslaving other 'me[s]' as self.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself place others as a means of obtaining personal-centered interest in laboring others and obtaining money from them.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress myself based on fear of the situation that i am in, not realizing i am causing the situation that way through what i have accepted and allowing/treated to other selfs in the past.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to enjoy gossiping and judging others to make myself a superior role through judging them and hence in this life time, i experienced the effects of living being gossiped.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to enjoy dueling with anyone as they are myself as self, that i am dueling me instead of work things out collebaratelly and lost into the perceived of manipualting others but manifested myself as being tricked and manipulated in the up coming days/this life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to delve in hate, revenge and cunning as my granny showed me and being psycologically peverted and skysofrania while everything, every participants are me as self as all life - this is undeniable, yet, i tried to deceive myself through self-dishonesty to myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be personal-centered, extreme stubborn to myself and only listen to people as selfs that i fond of or willing to listen, instead of the words that they speak out.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame anything, anyone around me for the cause of my uncomfortability and unhappiness.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame the government for corruptions, personal-interested and accepted that it's the way and no matter who gets into it, only momentary peace and comfortness will appear.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to delve into lust and glamrous living style in usa and using relationships in whatever means for personal-interest and not truly means and start from a treating another 'self' way

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take other's advantage and afterward, throw these people/things away when they are not needed or broken, not considering these people and things/animals are me as self same as myself that we are one and equal here experiencing Life, at this moment on earth together here.

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