Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Self was not Presented in whatever i do

Have chatted with Sunette. so far, every time/moments chatted with her[maybe with Bernard] does have insights that makes me more Here/clear of what is Inside me. Currently, i still need to re-read couple of times to see what the Realizations are which comes when i keep reading them. it was not a Concrete Detailed of what she has just said but more like a 'cloud'/feeling of something that have guidance and directions within. i also, have realized something is my - Self was not there in most of the things that i participate - like when i was driving, eating, blogging. of course a question will relatively pop out - who is doing all those then if that is not my - Self. let me put it this way - mySelf was presented but not directing. like, when i blog - it was myself through and as the mind that's moving my fingers and type - was there 'any bit' of Self as myself involved in that - rarely. the words, was myself there in the words or just robotic 'expressions'? i mean, mySelf was not directing my Life - i as myself through and as the mind was directing and minimizing myself inside. Here Now, i Expand myself in the Involvement of my Life. yes, Expanding my - Self and keep it Expands within my physical body. Not just feel inside through as the mind, as a 'observer/perceived myself as a director inside' be a director outside and expands keep expanding. it was like - people craved words onto Trees to leave a proof of their existence based on fear of death and lost saying 'i was here'. this idea/picture cause me to ponder - were they, was i when i was operating? were it their mind 'carving' and themselves just 'feeling and observing' through as their minds? and i was the same as them, when i was blogging for instance, i was typing but - mySelf was, even if was expressing, would be limited to a very low Degree and not directed by Self - directly. Same as when i scratch my face, was myself there when i was scratching? no, i as self wasn't. Embrace the Expanding of my-self within.

I also found out i 'deny the responsibilities' of what happened in this world - in existence. i use 'i don't wanted to Say something that i don't See myself as Really Responsible - through my eyes' and forgive myself just because of Fear. getting into Private Forum helps because i have closer/more direct contacts with Bernard and Sunette and they showed my 'things' that i wasn't cleared that i can 'experience' through Self, i mean, as i talked to Bob yesterday/day before, as long as Reasons/Logic used as a tool try to prove something - there are always room for Doubts - no matter whether i see by my own eyes/even personally experienced it - i would doubt it through time/moments later. so it is not the way, i am turning to Self - like the separation, even through the Translation Process - there are still points that i wasn't cleared and i was not satisfied with - just take it that way - or stopped at that level.

When Expanding myself/like in the past when doing with self-honesty i became, personal - centered and not considering everything around me as me become wild/rude. is this my-self? or the one that i was 'considering' was plainly based on Fear of my Future Reincarnation which was not what i truly was? or should it be Oneness and Equality as self that i should Expand instead? Expanding self as the Physical?

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to trust reasons and logic and give room for doubts instead of trusting my-self as self to apply and common sense.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to deny the responsibilities of creating the manifestations of what exist in this world/existence and deny my-self's responsibilities as well as denying my power to stop it.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear of doing self-forgiveness so that i can leave a back door of doing what i did before and not really change myself.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear of listening to Bernard and the Portal as Sunette's speech and tried to hide myself into my old self and not facing myself and being honest to myself and change me as self.

I forgive myself that i haven't accepted and allowed myself to take care of myself through and as myself as self instead yielding/abdicate myself to reasons/mind/thoughts and not standing up from within and expand and change.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear of death - which is a personality bubble suite and fear of lost both based on separation while the true nature of myself is oneness in equality as all life as Here - the truth part of Self.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define self as personal interested - through and as mind self not realizing Self is the oneness and equality and this is the true part of Self that Self is.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to deceive myself to suppress myself to consider everything only based on fear of my future reincarnation.

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