Tuesday, June 9, 2009

Shitting and beingness of Here and Embracing the Moments

When chatting with Desteni guys this morning, through the dialog with Jorn, i realize that when i am shitting inside the toilet, i was very Here and beingness of Here at the moment that i shit. i mean, i did it almost everyday but i didn't realize it, i just presume it is a waste to just sit in there and i always enjoy Reading in the process[this has begin since i was a child] i enjoy reading while sitting on the toilet so much that it was my Cave for a philosopher to evaluate and i was totally concentrate and efficient in those 10 to 20 minutes, during those moments i am very Here but i didn't know/cannot put into words for myself to elaborate what i was experiencing but i just felt 'good/legitimate' to do such readings in the toilet. i was 'efficient and clear on myself' for those moments while reading, i might not remember what i have read[it got imprinted after a month or so when i was reading a thick famous chinese history novel - about greed, power, plots, deceiving and tactics among china was divided three parts at that moment]i used this 'shitting' sensation to as a tool to remain in Hereness, together with constantly Self Hearing and so far i am able to achieve Hearness constantly which in the past got 'tired' in keep mySelf Hearing. i observed cole[my one and half year old of niece] her Hereness is a bit different than mine, this i see through her eyes. she moves a lot all around the house yet she's through Here that run or when she runs she's Constantly Here like a 'legitimate' way of being Here. she shows me something is it is not necessary of stay like a static rock to be Here - Hereness doesn't defined as the image and likeness of Rock maybe she has REALize Hereness as her core essence and i currently still at the Realization level - not yet and working to REALize it.

Another thing i found is through Stopping myself. the Farm interview of Sound have insight me for about Stopping - it mentioned thoughts relapse because we haven't stopped our current selves that's why it relapse to show us. i have read that article before but somehow maybe my realization through self or i have become more than i was before i get more for what most articles/videos like this one means. like it said, the car as us is in wrong direction driving madly, the way is to Stop it first [before any changes can be applied] - make sense and myself didn't see it before. together with Sunette's Article of Stop in every moments i now see what does it mean and importance of Stopping ourSelves me as myself.

Also, a interesting Jorn has mentioned is the children become the movement as themselves when they move. reminds me of Jack saying we are sound expression, information, energetic movement and moments and Bruce Lee's talking about he was searching for the beingness of peace when he was a child and said that every bit of movement was the movement itself is he as himself. Bernard also said moments are defined as directed/directional energetic movements that constructed the moments. these all looks Connected or i should not use the word connected which imply relationship but something is common among all these. Embrace the Movement that what i just realize not the air that breathe in/out but the Movement itself. like embrace the 'Movement' of the words the change of the words. see, i was always picky on through the mind as what breathe how can i as myself as self can be the breathe? the air? muscle movements and so on...now here i got a direction for myself to work on. Self is a very wonderful thing, once i find it it is warm and fulfilled and working with it can have quite surprise insights[but i sometimes need to 'wait' for the answer]


So after the high school days and into the teenagers stage. days were just hanging by, days in and out. then, i went to United States for we were afraid of the Chinese communist taking over Hong Kong and have applied for re-union with my aunt[my father's sister in Texas] we never know her true intention at all - well mostly not for us but for my brother[she likes my father's previous wife as my brother's mom] because it is the only way that my father get there as a citizen and apply him for come to US since he's over 18/21 by then. at that time, it was like a chess game, including myself forming all sorts of alliance and down to the core is common-interest covering the self-centered-interest like without enemy there will be no-purpose to live on anymore |o| never for the common good because the glamorous outside reality is too attractive for our consciousness Eye['i'] that money and self-centered-benefits is all that's in me and our mind - who would consider Self as the fullness inside you - simple as that - whenever the word Self is mentioned it == to boring, uneasiness, am i trying to be Plato, or am i nuts when i got TV, video games, music, Animations, even 'friends' is better than self i mean look at those single child - how loney and they so desire to have a brother/sister - Self, even if someone tell me i probably would have thrown the idea away without a second thought - why bother for the why and not just enjoy your limited life time as much as you can, grow up is a 'upgrade' didn't realize it is the other way around - a systematic seizure - yet whenever the outer materialistic world's produces quell our thirst for a split moment i kept on looking for another once the gift is unwrapped and it doesn't interest my Eye['i'] anymore - yet the simplistic and satisfaction when i was a child was lost and never found again. so i am not qualified for continuing studying in Hong Kong because my results barely missed it - surviving is such a horrifying seesaw game - you win your sound and good you lose you are in total shake and fear and worries. so i went to US to study in high school staying in one of my father's friend's home - he's acting as my guardian. it was not easy for someone like me who have never been out even for camping[we are not allowed by my father] and need to live under someone's shelter, all sorts of personal-benefits involved and we didn't realize the cause of the anomaly is all by ourselves. i was never a 'smart' person in 'pleasing/faking' others i mean, i lost much of my child characteristics into the grow up in name of survive i don't enjoy losing more just to please or exchange of personal-benefits i would like to keep me as simple as close to my childhood as possible - i didn't know how to put it back then now here i would say that would not be living. first it was costly, costing 700 dollars per-month. later on, all sorts of thing happen, conflicts, first was staying in private high school, then got conflict with his wife, she got mad at me for letting her waiting while in a fund raising event, switch me to the public high - which is totally a hell zone in compare to the private one, all sorts of problems involved and i am glad that i stay out of the troubles except losing a calculator - i currently don't recall who said it but nowadays parents really cannot imagine how children are facing in Schools - it's a gang zone already back at the 90s and parents just mis-leaded and sit tight in their fantasy of how nice they are treated in schools - it was an isolated, gang and drug or maybe even s** land from my perspective. so back to me, cleaning toilet and kitchen as 'training me' cutting grass and shoveling snow[in wisconsin, during winter you need to shuffle 2 times per day, i was young still capable of doing so, and i enjoy the excitement of exerting/exercising else there is no way to release my pressure inside]. then, one day while i was lawn mowing their son david was playing outside alone, he is not very 'normal' as i would say so, it happens when two very high IQ/study too much systematic persons having a child that there is a change that the child can be close to retarded - in what i see he is a little bit. so i was lawn mowing and he is playing outside, and the mower chipped a branch or something and hit him and he cried and said "why did you do that?" he was like 5/so then he ran back. at that moment i was in no position to express myself i was 'dependent' on them as my guardian and they knew that, secondly, in that moment whatever i say would make any difference? i didn't believe her mom would listen to me anyways. thirdly, i was doing the job for them and it is not my responsibility and i am also in no position of telling their son where to play. so he went back in, i don't even wanted to imagine what he said/bother to explain/talk to his mom. so his mom during dinner use all sorts of words implying one should apologize for what he did and i just stay numb, in my position i was in no position and i felt it wasn't my fault if you trust your son's version and don't ask me what happened what good/else should i say. then, within one week/so my father's friend said his heart is not feeling right and need to live by himself in my room and 'asked' me to live in the basement, again, i was in no position that was his house but i know the cost for living in a basement and a room so i expected him to at least cut it to 500per month, i didn't say so neither. however, at the end of the month, he came down and need me to sign the same amount 700dollars and at the moment i told myself that's it, you have shown your true 'nature' and i need to move away/find some way out. till now here, what i recall so far, whenever it involves illusion of 'choices'/when big decisions need to be make when it involve illusion of 'choosing', things seem to go/solve for an alternate route but then later on it did get worse[if they didn't get worse right away]again. i feel relief in my liver and belly area, these might be still inside my cells with me i presume.

I forgive and stop myself from accepting and allowing myself to fond of special ones and dislike others and hence i am experiencing the consequences of being dislike by my aunt.

I forgive and stop myself from accepting and allowing myself to enjoy and perceive dominating and fighting is the only purpose for enjoyment while not realizing the enjoyment of the eye['i'] comes with the opposite polarized cost that will manifest on the other side, other places and other people as myself as self and seesawing our lifes' events.

I forgive and stop myself from accepting and allowing myself to only work for my self-centered own interest instead of considering for the common good for all.

I forgive and stop myself from accepting and allowing myself to harm or in the illusion of 'benefit' from others in this life in the name of because i can because you and others are subject/inferior/less than me and i can suck your money/benefits out for my own-self-centered interest among the consciousness eye'i' of reality 3D world.

I forgive and stop myself from accepting and allowing myself to treat self is just a fictional concept and don't even have a second consideration of what we are looking for is Self indeed and with Self - the outer reality are stimulations for consciousness.

I forgive and stop myself from accepting and allowing myself to pursuing of adult funs which only quells my desires for self in a moment not realizing it is the childhood that i am pursuing and enjoying in the momentary experience through as the mind and just feed and expand the systems inside me.

I forgive myself and stop myself from accepting and allowing myself to manifest survival by myself because i didn't care about everything in existence also as self so it is manifested for me to experience being need to survive not realizing i as myself is the cause of survival in not considering everything else like nature, earth, animal kingdom, plant kingdom.

I forgive myself and stop myself from accepting and allowing myself to spike/spite extremely to Kam and Ella Mae and David as what they manifest as dominating and control and manipulation on me is because of me myself that causing all these and in a sense have nothing to do with them and i am just spiting myself for causing all these - life has shown me but didn't realize.

I forgive myself and stop myself from accepting and allowing myself to believe i am inferior hence the authority manifest as ella mae to show me what i believe/accept and allow manifest but i didn't realize that.

I forgive myself and stop myself from accepting and allowing myself to get greedy and suck other's money and bully/manipulate/even step on them and kill them like plants/animals/insects out as long as i am in authoritative polarity role which is abusing others as myself ultimately - i forgive and stop myself for this.

I forgive myself and stop myself from accepting and allowing myself to use reason and illusion of choice to through my mind direct me and manifest devastating consequences later on for myself because i use choice. i give up choice and self direct myself.

I forgive myself and stop myself from accepting and allowing myself to not honest to myself and instead expect my reality will have someone/something honest to me.

I forgive myself and stop myself from accepting and allowing myself to in the name of 'because i can as self-centered-interest' and punish/trick/manipulate other people around me as so i am experiencing it through being experienced it through ella mae.

I forgive myself and stop myself from accepting and allowing myself to labor others because illusion of i can and make them work for me so i can enjoy my own time, instead of going for everything's common good.

I forgive myself and stop myself from accepting and allowing myself to obsessed in dominating, controlling and manipulating others as myself as self which is a total illusion of boomberang that strike myself back in my future and i didn't realize it.

I forgive myself and stop myself from accepting and allowing myself to keep half a ear and half an eye['i'] on how my mom and other that is support me and use desteni's words as an excuse and not willing to assist or take care of myself pretending i don't 'see' my responsibilities.

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