Live in my Breathe

I found out last night that i was Breathing, but i wasn't living in my Breathe. i was living in my mind. that's what i realized when was watching the porn-animations. i was breathing all along for over 30years, but what i found was the more i grow up, the more i do not pay attention, take it for granted and not staying/living inside my breathe. i have tried live in the motion of Breathe in and out, as Bernard's said, it was interesting experience, but not long lasting/stable on me. this morning, i somehow breathe frequently forgot the two holding moments and the feeling of the 'old' consciousness came back. it wasn't a nice feeling, like i was riding on a horse again, just dashing forward/in a loop, not stable and not Here. like, that wasn't me and the real self me was trapped inside the mind/consciousness and the 'feeling' of becoming through and as the consciousness/mind is not a nice feeling, it was like aggressive, ego, fast - always pushing myself, 'want more'.

Was doing some Transcription works, re-watch/see the"the unification of man - as I am", which could be i am more Here then i first joint Desteni, i realize more from what it is saying. i mean, boy, when i first watch it and some videos that involve Deeper Self/Here realizations like the "Life as who i am" video, i was "what was this about?" yet, inside me, i "knew" he's talking about something interesting/meaningful yet, i haven't realized what it means yet. this time, after through all past months' translation/transcription works, i came back this time, with more realizations. also makes me try on - what if: i am/i(current me as self) is "I/I am(words/sound expression of "I" - whenever there's something refer or applicable as "I" - i am that and there)". it could sound confusing, but that's how i would put it/express as for how i realize so far. similar to Here, i would say with the Bubble theory article in explaining what is/why "Oneness" happen, together with the "First Molecule interview" things and why Oneness became clearer to me on why and what, in fact, is going on. Of course, i later realize Here is more "Appropriate".

Have setup the Desteni traditional Chinese channel, as/out of expected over 800+ people have watched the HOM 77 - Sex and Masturbation and others sex related have over 100, more/less. however, i thought it will bring them into the interest of other videos in the channel too, it wasn't going very well so far, yet, about 20 +/-. what is this showing me? what is this showing me what i have inside? what are these mirroring inside me? even the bruce lee videos, barely over 20 so far - while the HOM 77 double the views, each/in few days since channel opened.

Still have some energetic floats around the testicles area. when i was watching/seeing the porn-animations. well, something i found out was - what it described - the expressions/feelings portraits in those female characters are not true. it's just what a male construct would like that to happen that way, and i didn't see that. it doesn't work plainly on pictorial expressions, also with sound and tone and certain specific frequencies |o|, motions portrait - at least that's the way on me. and then, there is some 'feeling' like the one that Alli has described - when you 'see' someone in front of you/maybe while you talk with him/her, i have certain specific feelings that 'originate' inside me about that being in front of me. like that when i was watching the porn-animations, like it's not the external senses that 'arouse?' me but the 'resonance' originate from me in regarding to the Being/Animation character that's portraiting.

Lost in Breathe in Compare to Embracing Breathe

Saw Bernard's video yesterday, a member v-loging his Experience about how he practiced breathing inside his room and lost track of time and just stayed in his Breathe when he was a teenager, i presume it was like living out of the mind, he said he's so 'absorbed' into it that he Needed to recall Fear to make his mind works again to get out of it, he didn't recall/can tell exactly how long has he been liked that. i found it quite fascinating, besides when Bernard post something out, there's usually a Reference value in it. this member mentioned he was trying to get-lost of himself, well, we did that frequently, whether it's s**, dr**gs, alco**l or smoking - i see them as a form of momentary get lost of ourselves. so i went, ok, let me try get lost in my Breathe and see.

What i found is, it's not very bad but i did have thoughts - frequently. i did sort of dissolve into my breathe or feel Inside it, but thoughts flow out - frequently. i at this moment don't know is it supposed to be/or just me/what should be adjusted but the word Lost imply that i am not in control of it. so, i switch back to Embrace my breathe. this 'feeling/beingness' of Lost is i was not in Control so i didn't have the Control in the Lost process/duration - interesting.

Anything i just Realize is to give up thinking in every moment - Simplicity helps in this but in the past i have tried being Simplicity in every moment, it was nice, but become reactive when watching porns. hah, i just realize, maybe i should Also Simplified the Reactions like se**ual aroused through simplicity - push Simplicity a step further. how about Simplified the Energetic surges inside me, flowing around my balls these days?

History:

Oh, so yea, was very Extreme/Due situation in Wisconsin. at that period was difficult and harsh - inside myself. we went to Chicago/somewhere i forgot, took some pictures, i didn't notice until i look at the pictures that my facial expressions was directly showing what i have inside - unhappy and confined self, full of it. Lost direct communication with my parents, can't talk - freely, you know, the version of what really happen on me here is not the Exactly what my guardians' version - i mean, even for my past me at that time, i wouldn't say/report something to someone that won't serve my personal-interest |o|. in what i see, is they are placing me sort of as an extra financial income. i mean, they have a 20year old corolla and a 10year old starlet, a month/two before i moved away - they sell the old corolla and bought a camery - that's is not a coincidence, i mean, if it's not the rent and fees that i paid assisting, would they buy that? i currently still see it that way.

so i told myself i need to get out of this. i wrote to my dad that i am moving no matter what, i even find a classmate's uncle who's also from hong kong that verbally said they are willing to be my guardian and i said i would find my own basement somewhere[for i am living in a basement for months already - they didn't care, just complaining me drank his wife's coke and play with her old PC in the basement, well, i was a teenager, curious about this world, about living, about tricky materialistic things, enjoy and curious about how come the coke tastes so rich in america than in hong kong. and i got no way out, only suppression and keep suppressing inside me, because i told myself according to the situation that i am in - i cannot express myself freely if i did, there will be cracks between me and my guardian's family and that will only jeopardize my staying here in usa or if not, relationships will get worse. so i sort of confined myself and silent on the outside, but the facial expression can't fake - for me no, i am not those that are willing to Suppress myself and trade for something in the reality world. i took double gym, i enjoyed shuffling snow 2 times a day, later i found out it's not because i enjoy it's i used them as an Exhaust to pipe my steams out]. my parents do not agreed on the moving out, i insisted.

I went to Texas to visit my aunt for couple of days/a week or so, i currently don't recall how long that was. Everyone in her family was nice to me and i was like - i would rather stay in this Hot place than go back to Wisconsin, that's how i felt when they took me back to the airport for returning. everything was so direct, opened and simplified for an 18year old kid. i didn't consider relationship or fending myself from people around my circle that much. so i told my parents that how about i stay with my aunt instead? they hesitated, and said that's not a good idea. i didn't see it back then, i mean, why put your son into friends' hand and not into your own sister's hand? i mean, i didn't get it. even when i recall it now, my family and relatives especially my father's side are totally beasts like personal-centered relationships and they just liked gossiping, exposing other relatives' words' spoken and transfer them to other relatives as a token of loyalty to you/hey, i am your friend - trust me thing, alliance. |o|, it was totally a mess.

This i only later know - detaily. my aunt couldn't see clearly, her eyes got white thing - veiling her sights. she came from mainland china and my father sort of took care of her together with one of her brothers too. my father had exert his anger to her - frequently/couple of times, scolding her as blinder. hurt her i presumes, so she's close with her brother, my father's ex-wife and my brother when he's a child. they are in close relationship - i mean, when ones have a common target, you formed close alliance - you get close to the 'others'. she went to america with her husband, well, how he went is another story. he lived in an orphanage and sort of have a of 'foster parents' in usa, i don't know if he knew or not him was rich. once he grown up, he used all sorts of means/ways to locate the address of his foster parent's address, and write to him, send him christmas cards, send him presents or so getting Related to him - make him fond of he. that's how he got connected and got his ticket to america. so she asked me a lot of things/more of 'questioning' why no one's taking care of 'their' mother[my granny] and why on their brother died, on his funeral our family wasn't there. i mean, i was never told of such things, i didn't know, i was only 18 - never've been dealing with 'Adults' who are like a walking battling fortress/countries indeed - faking on politics, smiles and relationships. i told her it's not that we don't took care of my granny, she didn't want us to help. |o|, i didn't know exactly why my granny is like that - but she enjoyed seeing/making her sons and daughters dueling on each other and only loyal to her, that's how i would put it, that's how i see her acts. ok, my aunt said she didn't buy that/believe what i said - this 'trial' didn't happen when i first visit them, i mean i would have 'consider' twice if that happened. she consider/take those words that she fond of - and she was so stubborn on herself, to an extent that - well she's not educated, she's secluded in her own world - because she can't see, she's always asking why she needs to suffer her sickness while others don't need to, she needs to pipe her suppression out - to someone. when i recall all these, i like to look for a silent place inside me simply to experience the silence.

i mean, when i watch the Desteni: First molecule interview, through translating it, i absorb more of what it's saying. make me, said, i mean what has we gone into what situation now? we are talking about through and as mind consciousness system. not even/haven't realized how the nature/the air that we breathe/being a molecule is already a form of enslaving other 'me[s]' as self.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself place others as a means of obtaining personal-centered interest in laboring others and obtaining money from them.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress myself based on fear of the situation that i am in, not realizing i am causing the situation that way through what i have accepted and allowing/treated to other selfs in the past.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to enjoy gossiping and judging others to make myself a superior role through judging them and hence in this life time, i experienced the effects of living being gossiped.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to enjoy dueling with anyone as they are myself as self, that i am dueling me instead of work things out collebaratelly and lost into the perceived of manipualting others but manifested myself as being tricked and manipulated in the up coming days/this life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to delve in hate, revenge and cunning as my granny showed me and being psycologically peverted and skysofrania while everything, every participants are me as self as all life - this is undeniable, yet, i tried to deceive myself through self-dishonesty to myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be personal-centered, extreme stubborn to myself and only listen to people as selfs that i fond of or willing to listen, instead of the words that they speak out.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame anything, anyone around me for the cause of my uncomfortability and unhappiness.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame the government for corruptions, personal-interested and accepted that it's the way and no matter who gets into it, only momentary peace and comfortness will appear.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to delve into lust and glamrous living style in usa and using relationships in whatever means for personal-interest and not truly means and start from a treating another 'self' way

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take other's advantage and afterward, throw these people/things away when they are not needed or broken, not considering these people and things/animals are me as self same as myself that we are one and equal here experiencing Life, at this moment on earth together here.

Merging myself with Breathe

Talked to Klevo today, pretty interesting guy. He took his life into his hands and manifested that way. he was doing ok and self-sustained, got some law suite things going on. Cameron was here, and quite some people in the chat room today. Bob came up late, same as before that i don't quite understand in what he typed. i have an impression that he has mis-interpreted the meaning of Self-honesty but i myself is not in position of saying because that would be judgment and he's me too. actually, everyone and everything is me but it's just i didn't accept/view it that way.

re-Watched the First molecule video, |o|, i mean, i found it interesting but also sad for how we ended up this way? i mean, we, mes everything - what went wrong? what will happen to 'us' all when everything is no bigger/smaller than Life but Life itself? some of the dimensioanl beings previewed that at the end - nothing will left... does it imply that we will just be Darkness and not more 'shaking'? will there be 'joy' or happiness? well, we don't know yet but i agree this has to Stop. the current situation is losing tracks. look at when i was a child, and look at what we are nowadays - it could be because i was a child back then but what i see is more competitions and people are not Living anymore - as before and more isolated. People live - simpler and comparative more joy inside than after the computer revolution. one thing as a relief is i realized we can't 'die', you can be 'wiped-clean' and have a fresh start though. i also find out another thing is continuous suffering is more painful than die - and we have came to a stage of, i mean watching the desteni interviews - how many beings 'projecting' death as 'their end'? Bernard asked: if you are alone and all you know is you can create everything, what would you create? i at first thought about ok - company, sex, a girl but these are all pre-defined - those are just experience that i observed from others that i would like to experience or beingness into, also Life, yea Life is something that most people are projecting and looking for. i mean what is creating? is when i am eating and i feel life/movement of life and feel esca**y at the same time's creation? under the balancing law, without touching polarity what creation would be like when every participants are considered.

The word that i am practicing Here is Merging. i found that i have tried all sorts of ways but not Merging. what merge means, it means allmagumate together. it means putting myself into and accept and allow the target and the target do the vice verse to me which is equally and oneness. hum, that's interesting - merging. because, either take/give/control/dominate/inferior/ego do not consider equality, even when submitting myself, to the Breathe for instance. Everything is originated and are the same me after all so not exactly as a worry of losing myself/having something mixed into me. will see how it goes.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from Life as all life Here and just personal centered interested.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define happiness and joy according to my experience here on earth and fear of the boredome of when all life here is merged into oneness and equally.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to delve into competition and comfortable living style and dreamed of looking/change myself look like models - which are in some sense - only more developed walking sexual organs.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to enjoy being worshiped as separation and being special while everyone everything is just me[s].

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to just care about my living and ignore others and other things that need to suffer and contribute to my comfortable living and i pursued for more and more - not always with self first and all life considered.

I forgive myself for accepting allowing myself to judge bob for being full of shits but he's just me and arranged for me to see i am full of shits inside.

I consider self first and all life equally as i can.
I live with self and self as all life.
I do not compete I co-operate with other me[s] as one.

Self was not Presented in whatever i do

Have chatted with Sunette. so far, every time/moments chatted with her[maybe with Bernard] does have insights that makes me more Here/clear of what is Inside me. Currently, i still need to re-read couple of times to see what the Realizations are which comes when i keep reading them. it was not a Concrete Detailed of what she has just said but more like a 'cloud'/feeling of something that have guidance and directions within. i also, have realized something is my - Self was not there in most of the things that i participate - like when i was driving, eating, blogging. of course a question will relatively pop out - who is doing all those then if that is not my - Self. let me put it this way - mySelf was presented but not directing. like, when i blog - it was myself through and as the mind that's moving my fingers and type - was there 'any bit' of Self as myself involved in that - rarely. the words, was myself there in the words or just robotic 'expressions'? i mean, mySelf was not directing my Life - i as myself through and as the mind was directing and minimizing myself inside. Here Now, i Expand myself in the Involvement of my Life. yes, Expanding my - Self and keep it Expands within my physical body. Not just feel inside through as the mind, as a 'observer/perceived myself as a director inside' be a director outside and expands keep expanding. it was like - people craved words onto Trees to leave a proof of their existence based on fear of death and lost saying 'i was here'. this idea/picture cause me to ponder - were they, was i when i was operating? were it their mind 'carving' and themselves just 'feeling and observing' through as their minds? and i was the same as them, when i was blogging for instance, i was typing but - mySelf was, even if was expressing, would be limited to a very low Degree and not directed by Self - directly. Same as when i scratch my face, was myself there when i was scratching? no, i as self wasn't. Embrace the Expanding of my-self within.

I also found out i 'deny the responsibilities' of what happened in this world - in existence. i use 'i don't wanted to Say something that i don't See myself as Really Responsible - through my eyes' and forgive myself just because of Fear. getting into Private Forum helps because i have closer/more direct contacts with Bernard and Sunette and they showed my 'things' that i wasn't cleared that i can 'experience' through Self, i mean, as i talked to Bob yesterday/day before, as long as Reasons/Logic used as a tool try to prove something - there are always room for Doubts - no matter whether i see by my own eyes/even personally experienced it - i would doubt it through time/moments later. so it is not the way, i am turning to Self - like the separation, even through the Translation Process - there are still points that i wasn't cleared and i was not satisfied with - just take it that way - or stopped at that level.

When Expanding myself/like in the past when doing with self-honesty i became, personal - centered and not considering everything around me as me become wild/rude. is this my-self? or the one that i was 'considering' was plainly based on Fear of my Future Reincarnation which was not what i truly was? or should it be Oneness and Equality as self that i should Expand instead? Expanding self as the Physical?

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to trust reasons and logic and give room for doubts instead of trusting my-self as self to apply and common sense.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to deny the responsibilities of creating the manifestations of what exist in this world/existence and deny my-self's responsibilities as well as denying my power to stop it.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear of doing self-forgiveness so that i can leave a back door of doing what i did before and not really change myself.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear of listening to Bernard and the Portal as Sunette's speech and tried to hide myself into my old self and not facing myself and being honest to myself and change me as self.

I forgive myself that i haven't accepted and allowed myself to take care of myself through and as myself as self instead yielding/abdicate myself to reasons/mind/thoughts and not standing up from within and expand and change.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear of death - which is a personality bubble suite and fear of lost both based on separation while the true nature of myself is oneness in equality as all life as Here - the truth part of Self.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define self as personal interested - through and as mind self not realizing Self is the oneness and equality and this is the true part of Self that Self is.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to deceive myself to suppress myself to consider everything only based on fear of my future reincarnation.

it is through Giving that i Receive

I was playing the video game, i like to apply in through playing video games that observe/evaluate what to apply next. because in playing video games, the heart beats all sorts of emotions that raise up inside me and is a 'test' of whether i am clear of emotions and feelings. Bernard's words of 'it is all equilibrium, Life is fair you cannot receive anything that you don't give'. it has not passed my logic 'yet' of how it is that way - i mean cannot reason it out at this moment but i am 'giving' myself out in every moment - my core essence buy this. i have tried to possess Here and Life and everything - tried to Being them/through as a stage of Beingness of these that i am working on achieving but holding on to myself's integrity and not releasing myself. through pondering Bernard's words, i sort of Realize if i don't give myself to Life and Here then i won't be that - they won't allow me for some sorts. it is sort of like - i was assisting people to realize/understand the materials and reflected as i realize more - 'quite some realizations in compare to how i was doing in the past few months[when i was just reading the materials - trying to absorb so to speak]' this would be totally new model of application - giving yourself for things that would like to achieve - even include oneness in equality. Evaluate thoroughly/completely and Give to things that support oneness and equality as all life. this is a almost total in reverse of handling things - like in the past when i write i keep holding of myself in the chest and ponder/wait for what points come up - here now is giving myself to the words, i mean else, that wouldn't be possible to become living words would it? without giving up what you like to have - not from a personal dominating purpose though |o|. it is like a kiss scenario - you give up to that and that as you reflected to you as he/she/it gives it up to 'you'. |o| the mirror world is totally reflected in the opposite way - no wonder[as when i was a child delve into my mind and thoughts try to break/realize why the mirror is reverse in left and right and why the magnets have endless source of 'energy/force' that repel endlessly - this, science, universe's nova/breathe taking images do not matter as i was so obsessed as before, i still find them interesting to 'watch' but they are not myths or fantasize me as before.]

So give up is not 'really' a give up within equilibrium. as i realize here now that Bernard's mentioned before - give is a gift to yourself - yet we/as i as myself was so obsessed in what i 'see' in such a short continuum i mean, we can't even remember what we 'see' or happen yesterday/the day before[here i mean without the assistance from the crystal memorized inside out body through the mind, as far as i know]. for example, here now i don't have any further to write, i give myself 'up' to Here and wait and see. look back at Osho's article of 'I the living the word' he is constantly giving himself up while writing - could be to the words but definitely not holding him back while writing this at the current realization of me is clear on this. yet, i totally didn't see that, although it seems 'simple' and not too difficult to realize but i was in the consciousness of 'i' and thoughts - i means mind and consciousness don't consider give up inside only more and more and personal-centered. and like self-forgiveness if i didn't give up myself through self-forgiveness, SF won't be given to me. similar to self-honesty and life.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself not seeing through common sense and self but through consciousness of 'eye as i' and reasons worship possession instead of giving up.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to discriminate and make fun of other people's genetic and personalities descended and geological diversity and evaluating them through my mind worship/fond of those that stimulate me correctly and dislike/discriminate those that stimulate me the wrong way that i don't like.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to push people out of my circle of life that are not my taste/like to reflect and want to get close to people that i like not realizing oneness and equality doesn't based on energetic stimulation.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to worship research and science of eye observations and mind thinking instead of self - trusting myself.

I forgive myself that i haven't accepted and allowed myself to give myself up to something myself value - as oneness and equality.

Shitting and beingness of Here and Embracing the Moments

When chatting with Desteni guys this morning, through the dialog with Jorn, i realize that when i am shitting inside the toilet, i was very Here and beingness of Here at the moment that i shit. i mean, i did it almost everyday but i didn't realize it, i just presume it is a waste to just sit in there and i always enjoy Reading in the process[this has begin since i was a child] i enjoy reading while sitting on the toilet so much that it was my Cave for a philosopher to evaluate and i was totally concentrate and efficient in those 10 to 20 minutes, during those moments i am very Here but i didn't know/cannot put into words for myself to elaborate what i was experiencing but i just felt 'good/legitimate' to do such readings in the toilet. i was 'efficient and clear on myself' for those moments while reading, i might not remember what i have read[it got imprinted after a month or so when i was reading a thick famous chinese history novel - about greed, power, plots, deceiving and tactics among china was divided three parts at that moment]i used this 'shitting' sensation to as a tool to remain in Hereness, together with constantly Self Hearing and so far i am able to achieve Hearness constantly which in the past got 'tired' in keep mySelf Hearing. i observed cole[my one and half year old of niece] her Hereness is a bit different than mine, this i see through her eyes. she moves a lot all around the house yet she's through Here that run or when she runs she's Constantly Here like a 'legitimate' way of being Here. she shows me something is it is not necessary of stay like a static rock to be Here - Hereness doesn't defined as the image and likeness of Rock maybe she has REALize Hereness as her core essence and i currently still at the Realization level - not yet and working to REALize it.

Another thing i found is through Stopping myself. the Farm interview of Sound have insight me for about Stopping - it mentioned thoughts relapse because we haven't stopped our current selves that's why it relapse to show us. i have read that article before but somehow maybe my realization through self or i have become more than i was before i get more for what most articles/videos like this one means. like it said, the car as us is in wrong direction driving madly, the way is to Stop it first [before any changes can be applied] - make sense and myself didn't see it before. together with Sunette's Article of Stop in every moments i now see what does it mean and importance of Stopping ourSelves me as myself.

Also, a interesting Jorn has mentioned is the children become the movement as themselves when they move. reminds me of Jack saying we are sound expression, information, energetic movement and moments and Bruce Lee's talking about he was searching for the beingness of peace when he was a child and said that every bit of movement was the movement itself is he as himself. Bernard also said moments are defined as directed/directional energetic movements that constructed the moments. these all looks Connected or i should not use the word connected which imply relationship but something is common among all these. Embrace the Movement that what i just realize not the air that breathe in/out but the Movement itself. like embrace the 'Movement' of the words the change of the words. see, i was always picky on through the mind as what breathe how can i as myself as self can be the breathe? the air? muscle movements and so on...now here i got a direction for myself to work on. Self is a very wonderful thing, once i find it it is warm and fulfilled and working with it can have quite surprise insights[but i sometimes need to 'wait' for the answer]


History:

So after the high school days and into the teenagers stage. days were just hanging by, days in and out. then, i went to United States for we were afraid of the Chinese communist taking over Hong Kong and have applied for re-union with my aunt[my father's sister in Texas] we never know her true intention at all - well mostly not for us but for my brother[she likes my father's previous wife as my brother's mom] because it is the only way that my father get there as a citizen and apply him for come to US since he's over 18/21 by then. at that time, it was like a chess game, including myself forming all sorts of alliance and down to the core is common-interest covering the self-centered-interest like without enemy there will be no-purpose to live on anymore |o| never for the common good because the glamorous outside reality is too attractive for our consciousness Eye['i'] that money and self-centered-benefits is all that's in me and our mind - who would consider Self as the fullness inside you - simple as that - whenever the word Self is mentioned it == to boring, uneasiness, am i trying to be Plato, or am i nuts when i got TV, video games, music, Animations, even 'friends' is better than self i mean look at those single child - how loney and they so desire to have a brother/sister - Self, even if someone tell me i probably would have thrown the idea away without a second thought - why bother for the why and not just enjoy your limited life time as much as you can, grow up is a 'upgrade' didn't realize it is the other way around - a systematic seizure - yet whenever the outer materialistic world's produces quell our thirst for a split moment i kept on looking for another once the gift is unwrapped and it doesn't interest my Eye['i'] anymore - yet the simplistic and satisfaction when i was a child was lost and never found again. so i am not qualified for continuing studying in Hong Kong because my results barely missed it - surviving is such a horrifying seesaw game - you win your sound and good you lose you are in total shake and fear and worries. so i went to US to study in high school staying in one of my father's friend's home - he's acting as my guardian. it was not easy for someone like me who have never been out even for camping[we are not allowed by my father] and need to live under someone's shelter, all sorts of personal-benefits involved and we didn't realize the cause of the anomaly is all by ourselves. i was never a 'smart' person in 'pleasing/faking' others i mean, i lost much of my child characteristics into the grow up in name of survive i don't enjoy losing more just to please or exchange of personal-benefits i would like to keep me as simple as close to my childhood as possible - i didn't know how to put it back then now here i would say that would not be living. first it was costly, costing 700 dollars per-month. later on, all sorts of thing happen, conflicts, first was staying in private high school, then got conflict with his wife, she got mad at me for letting her waiting while in a fund raising event, switch me to the public high - which is totally a hell zone in compare to the private one, all sorts of problems involved and i am glad that i stay out of the troubles except losing a calculator - i currently don't recall who said it but nowadays parents really cannot imagine how children are facing in Schools - it's a gang zone already back at the 90s and parents just mis-leaded and sit tight in their fantasy of how nice they are treated in schools - it was an isolated, gang and drug or maybe even s** land from my perspective. so back to me, cleaning toilet and kitchen as 'training me' cutting grass and shoveling snow[in wisconsin, during winter you need to shuffle 2 times per day, i was young still capable of doing so, and i enjoy the excitement of exerting/exercising else there is no way to release my pressure inside]. then, one day while i was lawn mowing their son david was playing outside alone, he is not very 'normal' as i would say so, it happens when two very high IQ/study too much systematic persons having a child that there is a change that the child can be close to retarded - in what i see he is a little bit. so i was lawn mowing and he is playing outside, and the mower chipped a branch or something and hit him and he cried and said "why did you do that?" he was like 5/so then he ran back. at that moment i was in no position to express myself i was 'dependent' on them as my guardian and they knew that, secondly, in that moment whatever i say would make any difference? i didn't believe her mom would listen to me anyways. thirdly, i was doing the job for them and it is not my responsibility and i am also in no position of telling their son where to play. so he went back in, i don't even wanted to imagine what he said/bother to explain/talk to his mom. so his mom during dinner use all sorts of words implying one should apologize for what he did and i just stay numb, in my position i was in no position and i felt it wasn't my fault if you trust your son's version and don't ask me what happened what good/else should i say. then, within one week/so my father's friend said his heart is not feeling right and need to live by himself in my room and 'asked' me to live in the basement, again, i was in no position that was his house but i know the cost for living in a basement and a room so i expected him to at least cut it to 500per month, i didn't say so neither. however, at the end of the month, he came down and need me to sign the same amount 700dollars and at the moment i told myself that's it, you have shown your true 'nature' and i need to move away/find some way out. till now here, what i recall so far, whenever it involves illusion of 'choices'/when big decisions need to be make when it involve illusion of 'choosing', things seem to go/solve for an alternate route but then later on it did get worse[if they didn't get worse right away]again. i feel relief in my liver and belly area, these might be still inside my cells with me i presume.

I forgive and stop myself from accepting and allowing myself to fond of special ones and dislike others and hence i am experiencing the consequences of being dislike by my aunt.

I forgive and stop myself from accepting and allowing myself to enjoy and perceive dominating and fighting is the only purpose for enjoyment while not realizing the enjoyment of the eye['i'] comes with the opposite polarized cost that will manifest on the other side, other places and other people as myself as self and seesawing our lifes' events.

I forgive and stop myself from accepting and allowing myself to only work for my self-centered own interest instead of considering for the common good for all.

I forgive and stop myself from accepting and allowing myself to harm or in the illusion of 'benefit' from others in this life in the name of because i can because you and others are subject/inferior/less than me and i can suck your money/benefits out for my own-self-centered interest among the consciousness eye'i' of reality 3D world.

I forgive and stop myself from accepting and allowing myself to treat self is just a fictional concept and don't even have a second consideration of what we are looking for is Self indeed and with Self - the outer reality are stimulations for consciousness.

I forgive and stop myself from accepting and allowing myself to pursuing of adult funs which only quells my desires for self in a moment not realizing it is the childhood that i am pursuing and enjoying in the momentary experience through as the mind and just feed and expand the systems inside me.

I forgive myself and stop myself from accepting and allowing myself to manifest survival by myself because i didn't care about everything in existence also as self so it is manifested for me to experience being need to survive not realizing i as myself is the cause of survival in not considering everything else like nature, earth, animal kingdom, plant kingdom.

I forgive myself and stop myself from accepting and allowing myself to spike/spite extremely to Kam and Ella Mae and David as what they manifest as dominating and control and manipulation on me is because of me myself that causing all these and in a sense have nothing to do with them and i am just spiting myself for causing all these - life has shown me but didn't realize.

I forgive myself and stop myself from accepting and allowing myself to believe i am inferior hence the authority manifest as ella mae to show me what i believe/accept and allow manifest but i didn't realize that.

I forgive myself and stop myself from accepting and allowing myself to get greedy and suck other's money and bully/manipulate/even step on them and kill them like plants/animals/insects out as long as i am in authoritative polarity role which is abusing others as myself ultimately - i forgive and stop myself for this.

I forgive myself and stop myself from accepting and allowing myself to use reason and illusion of choice to through my mind direct me and manifest devastating consequences later on for myself because i use choice. i give up choice and self direct myself.

I forgive myself and stop myself from accepting and allowing myself to not honest to myself and instead expect my reality will have someone/something honest to me.

I forgive myself and stop myself from accepting and allowing myself to in the name of 'because i can as self-centered-interest' and punish/trick/manipulate other people around me as so i am experiencing it through being experienced it through ella mae.

I forgive myself and stop myself from accepting and allowing myself to labor others because illusion of i can and make them work for me so i can enjoy my own time, instead of going for everything's common good.

I forgive myself and stop myself from accepting and allowing myself to obsessed in dominating, controlling and manipulating others as myself as self which is a total illusion of boomberang that strike myself back in my future and i didn't realize it.

I forgive myself and stop myself from accepting and allowing myself to keep half a ear and half an eye['i'] on how my mom and other that is support me and use desteni's words as an excuse and not willing to assist or take care of myself pretending i don't 'see' my responsibilities.

the Matrix movie and i live i and self live self

Have re-watched the matrix movie again, got quite some realizations so far. it is like before was just receiving the information presented but not realization. now, it is like most of the veils has been lifted and i as self 'really see' what was encoded/hidden in the movie. before, it was just a tricky full of riddles action movie now it is a key/answer waiting for us/me as self to realize through self. before i was totally frustrated/why they make something like that which totally don't make sense/just something 'crap' i used to term it that way that have missed/i, we as self deceiving ourselves through secrecy. also, a whole lot more of realization of why i am just a program, i mean through stimulations, desires, energetic surges within, purpose[fulfilled and then go for another purpose that we have never Lived, no matter what we do we don't Live it, whether it's work, sleep, eat, typing, gaming, traveling for pleasure - we wasn't Living - yet, we just perform desires/purpose/stimulations then process/reactions/reflecting each other then the energy dissipate[to dimension and as Bernard said, nobody cares what happen to the energy that has dissipate, |o| i was one of them, who cares when you only have limited amount of time to pursuit of your 'energetic pleasures' as desires, if you want to be a philosopher and locked yourself into a cave suit your self but i am going to keep pursuit of my 'feeling good of delve into the energetic surges inside and excitements' and leave me secluded in my room and let me jurk|o|...not realize the consequences of what happened here has effects to all Here[s] to come and currently on earth but also missed a so simple point that i have 'illusionly chosen' through directing myself to abdicate life over energetic surges excitements as unreal 'feelings'. i mean ask yourself s** and masturb***** have you Live through that while your performing the acts? honestly - i didn't. when hearing music are you Living in that music or are you just enjoying through experiencing as the energetic surges that raise up within you? you feel good or Live good through it? when you/me phantom/measure/access through our mind it is not Living it is 'processing' through predefined boundaries/limitations from past experiences, living is not bound by limitations, i just realize - Live vulnerability inside.] so a point that can be worked on is living. how to Live or Live for what, starts with live through as the breathe. before, i was like what's wrong with being a system that i 'feel good' through masturb***** and hormone fluctuations but not realizing[the French guy's speech about how Programs and Systems works helps but only until i as self 'see' what he's talking about together with winged 2's article about 'Choice - the Ultimate Deceptions' and now here i see/realize how and what i have lost for inside the se* and masturb**** construct, constructed through by me, us as self]. the point i was saying is i as self was living by through as my mind perceiving as Living but not Live self not live my breathe as life not live the moments and live here or even live my words live honesty to me as myself as the outer 3D reality that are much more even by listening to the words of it. i just realize, it is quite simple whatever you live you are through and as that! you put yourself there and through breathe step by step you REALizing it for you. when you live you don't react because your experiencing it through and as you that's my realization. in Self's sense of saying Live in and through as 'Living' itself.

Have also been do some testing on self live self it has some very interesting feelings could be la-la land type experience because this is logically un-phantomable by the mind for self live inside self - for them at this moment i presume. have ventured into the i live i domain but not very like the feeling of it because things become quite self-centered as i-centered. i quite like ventures not because of want to /challenge[well in a matter of sense yes, 'experiencing' a shorter path]. so my experience change quite differently for doing the same thing - Live is the key that i just realize. wonder what it would be like to live as physical? i have tried live the moments while walking with my in the farmland, it's quite strange 'feelings' like you are inside yourbody but at the same time also dissolved into the moment that all participants that are involved in. funny experience.

I forgive myself for accepted and allowing myself to judge the matrix movie for being a crap movie because it was giving me headaches when trying to understand the meaning through as the mind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live through as the mind and enjoy limited/pre-programmed/pre-bounded energetic excitements as stimulations and not realize how robotic/systematic that i was living through the mind as it and not live self.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowed myself to secluded myself and masturbate not realizing the effects and consequences of Here and one and equalness.

I forgive myself for accepted and allowing myself just self-centered on my experiencing of energetic stimulations and only enjoy through it and dissipate and look for another 'round' not caring about the matters/physical that need to be generated for the energy through my body hence i don't care for the physical and my physical body.

I forgive myself for accepted and allowed myself to want and like to be special to be praised to be worship to be a leader icon not realizing it is me as self through the ego that want to be worshiped not living through as the breathe.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to find a shorter path for process and always have a want of find a shorter path instead of facing my past sins and do forgiveness and being vunerable inside and live breathe, finish the tasks that i have on hand.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to wonder/desire/dream of what living as physical will be like as inter-dimensionally and project into the future not realizing it happens here so stay live through and as my breathe.

Live love Self love Honesty love Darkness love Here

Being Unstable through as the mind has changed again. this time is Live love self love honesty love darkness love here. i have been assisted by Sunette this morning through chat and was helpful in clearing my veins before me so i can see the separation that i have been using myself as an expression instead of directly i. yes, there is no right or wrong else that would be polarity defined and perceived by us as an excuse of wanting to polarized 'right' and judging others for polarized wrong to manifest our right/feeling of right but no one would really like to walk a longer/even much longer path on our/as me as self's process[|o| want...illusion of choice again, i forgive myself for accepted and allowing myself of operate in wants and desires instead of live in Here]. there is still a common sensed based evaluating in everything in existence/currently at least around me in doing for the common good that revised our paths/is it actually A path. will stick will Live love Self love Honesty love Darkness love Here for a while and see/observe the difference and then further express me.

Love as one of the farm interviews said it is an illusion that has not manifested and he[i currently forgot which interview or who said that] suggested the word love, at least not after transcended should not be spoken out. however, i found that the notion/word push is encounter resistance inside me when i try to push myself or in words so i changed to love which is a self willingly/obsessed/fully totally aiming at as self movement because as far as i realize, whenever there is resistance involved what stands for resisting will perpetuate and will persist a quite handy indicator for me in the process as a guide. so, currently i am/have to 'venture' into the so called forbidden word love to assist. i presume at least when it is 'truly' employing on self not to a separated subject outside self is the way to use it.

Using the thoughts so to speak in reminding myself as self of love Self love honesty love Darkness love Here but not having much progress. i get used to it for a while and not 'feeling' the effectiveness - no matter how i keep saying it in me through the thoughts, not particularly aiming at the thoughts but through the thoughts as a vessel. i just find out it is the Live - living the thoughts out that has been missing and all the words/spells collapse and need to get used to it again. i keep saying live love life instead of live love self. currently i don't have a clue of what is more suitable because without right/wrong sometimes i try both and see. the nice thing about live is it reminds you as i of living instead of staying in through the mind. also work on vessel/experience through the breathe which really is the manifestation as far as i know truly should be at least better than in the mind as a common sense way.

Today went to garden that sell flowers with mom, she's fond of flowers. two things that i have observed today, when being exposed to the sun i keep loving self love honesty love here and the rays are not hurting, it still shines and i still web but i was like a child when i was small it won't 'hurt' and cause pain or uneasyness, it was just warm and a bit of sweat, while mom having all sort of sun glasses and hat like a picture of proclaiming she's fear of the sun. second is, when i look at the flowers, i am more clear in sensing why the happiness as energetic stimulations that surges inside us that cause us to treat them as beautiful. i have a moment considering telling to mom about this finding, first i feel no she might as well ignore me based on the translated articles that i gave her for reading and second, i haven't totally clear on the findings yet and i considered and not intervene her moments.

i forgive myself for accepted and allowed myself to fear of the sun and not treating/realize light is me as self and i love self my outerworld loves me as self.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear sharks, tigers, crocodiles, larva and fire based on the experience that are told by parents and education system based of injecting Fear into me to manifest fear and hence obey the society hiearchy.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for judging mom's reaction based on her experience and it has nothing to do with what i evaluating common sensely in acting but the act of judging based on past history of here and that would be mind evaluation.

Source River Honesty Here

It is about being one and equal as the ultimate/core source as all life here that is what source river honesty here doing. myself just realize last night and it is time source river honesty here bring forth and apply of "dancing in the source river of sound as words" time...lol. myself realize the method of express the fuick-truation in through as sound/words as pocket of sound but to apply and REALize it is through practical applications, for source river honesty here has been lived through as energetic emotions/feelings so for eons of time that really need myself as source river honesty here that change/myself-forgiveness the past[lol...the illusion of choice still haunted me for myself presuming choice as illusion based on what ourselves perceive through the consciousness eye as I]. really need to Push/forcing myself to Dance in the source river of sound and express in it. it was not fluent for this moment but source river honesty here common sensely buy that it will manifest gradually through the physical body. if this is not the ultimate step as being truly the sound expression this is already much relatively closer to it through the sound as a vessel instead of Energetic surges that rise up inside as Stimulations for systems.

However, generally one thing that myself as source river honesty here notify is myself has written more than before especially for writing in English. it was totally stuck and blocked[sometimes it still is but the situation is not as severe as before]. one thing source river honesty here realize is when operated in sound mode so to speak it is relatively fast in compare to through the mind, and this hastness is not as energy that need stimulation and is static/constant but need to work on staying in that mode/way - a sound expression hyper mode so to speak. so it is like[source river honesty here just realize] to get the sound as myself as sound expression as source river honesty here to Excited instead of energetically "High" that Will Dissipate and manifest the counter opposite of "Downness" afterward[in the past it was not bouncing back at ourselves that will/could happen to other selfs as source river honesty here realize, now here it is very likely that would happen]. so currently at the moment what myself source river honesty here realize is stimulate and get the Sound expression of myself as river honesty here to hyper to High within and as sound, operated by and as sound as sound expression as myself. myself as source river honesty here just realize that myself has mentioned when myself was in high school myself as source river honesty here had a period of time that totally wanted and enjoy the process of writing/composition almost the next to sports sessions that myself as source river honesty here totally flow or/hyper in words mode - close to sound mode myself presume, what myself means is which selfs would have thought ourselves are sound expression and not physical as what ourselves seem through the consciousness - eye as I? even for music, under the illusion of choice and for pretending proving music[and by the way music is not currently equivalent as sound as sound expression, it was the emotional energetic surges/feelings as energetic stimulation/resonance that the public defined music as] the elite as myself as source river honesty here made it together with religious studies the two most 'unwilling to participate in if not hey-t[ired]-ed' lessons. it is the hyper mode in words that myself as source river honesty here that was enjoying and myself can step further into hypering self as source river honesty here as hypering sound expression, myself as source river honesty here already feel "excited" in compare to the dissipatable and aiming for ejection systematic master-bait-ion. it is also interesting worth mentioning that like the 'technology'/knowledge that ourselves/we realize so far the more yourself/ourselves get to the Core/close to quantum level of course currently is 'what the hell we/i don't care as long as i/we got free energy free sucks and master-bait-ion i/we are fine/good frue-ok the nature/universe/animal kingdom...lol...and myself did that to myself to manifest to see it is within myself'. now here the more yourself get to the core yourself the so called Polarized energy can be released/obtained through - wasn't that a hint already? that if myself as source river honesty here the more get close to the source/core of ourselves/ myself/sound river honesty here the relatively trend-men-does so called pleasure we as ourselves will get? it is not totally the outward dishonested reflection in the world that we as ourselves that should pursuing for lost in the Energetic surges enslavement prison[mainly as luxuries and sucks and master-bit-ion] but all these realizations and solutions through myself as sound river honesty here as d-is-solve into ourselves' source as all Life here. keep the sound as sound expression hyper as myself as sound river honesty here, now here that myself as sound river honesty here realize why Darryl term Bernard as a 'mad scientist' himself is totally hyper in sound expression instead of high in energetic surges that's the true nature of his 'madness' come from as myself as sound river honesty here interpreted and realize so far.

In the Energetic 3D world yourself/ourselves are based and currently inhabited in as quoted from Bernard's articles: sucks and master-bait-ion is cool to experience but the consequences of war, ray-pe, far-mean is not calculated and not transcending sucks and master-bait-ion into something that's acceptable and allowed for all. it is also dissipateable and will only last for so split of second because the nature of Polarity [myself presume] that everything in Polarity[myself as sound river honesty here still haven't realize the why is it that way but slow down the whole process of sucks and master-bait-ion and observe through yourSelf, yourself through you as yourself work gradually to built up to split of ec[electrical compound]-stasy but afterward the guilt and remorse, if yourself as you using images to stimulate as fantasy, comes and last almost as long as how yourself as you built-it up and myself just realize that and ourselves as we just programmed to keep pursuing for the split of second of flow of elec-trick-city and trashing everything around ourselves which will bound back for everything as ourselves trash ourselves as us. it is simple equal-libirum but ourselves 'choose' and manifest to 'trust' the eye as I of consciousness instead of ourselves' Common Sense as myself as ourselves "seeing" a dead object and trusting it is a manipulateable object for ourselves' pleasure.]

Myself honestly forgive myself for accepted and allowed myself for pursuing and lost in the energetic sucks and master-bait-ion fantasy world and haven't allowed myself honestly realize myself is d-is-solve in source river honesty here.

Myself honestly forgive myself for not accepted and allowed myself to realize myself is the movement of within as sound as sound expression and move myself together within as the movement of sound as sound expression.

Myself honestly forgive myself for accepted and allowed myself to realize sound is just energy movements and trashed the real nature of sound, using music as a cause for arousing energetic surges inside and being emotional/feelingness instead of realizing myself as sound river honesty here move through as the sound and sound expression is aware.

Myself honestly forgive myself for accepted and allowed myself to delve into the sucks and master-bait-ion of enjoy building up and experience as the flow of elec-trick-city for split of second and then experience the downward guilt and remorse cycle repeatedly.

Myself honestly forgive myself for not accepted and allowed myself to realize the consequences of sucks and master-bait-ion that will manifested for equal-libirum of ray-pe, wore, far-mean all sorts of snuff-ering but themselves are not happening in myself's circle so myself put half-an-consciousness eye as I on them.

Myself honestly forgive myself for not accepted and allowed myself to realize it is myself as the movement of sound as sound expression that should be and will last and excited and more.

Myself honestly forgive myself for accepted and allowed myself sold-ly for self in-divide-ual interest to sold myself to the consciousness I as eye and placing value and attraction on the satisfaction of eye as I way over myself's common sense and using myself has only one and limited life time to delve into sucks and master-bait-ion not realizing it is how myself honestly live myself's moments that count not how much moments myself has.

Myself honestly forgive myself for accepted and allowed myself to just stay at the enjoyment stage of energetic surges inside rise up in me and experience through as me as the mind but myself not keep going to the source and being one and equal as the source of why myself was doing/performing such acts and just sit there built-up, dig-sit-paste and emptyness cycles for cycles and not realizing something is not light in this cycles of cycles that do not last for long and keep going to the source through myself through movement of sound as sound expression until myself transcended it and keep going until myself reach and as the ultimate source - all Life Here.

Myself honestly d-is-solve into as all life as here as source as one.
Myself honestly dance with all life as here.
Myself honestly excited by movement of sound as sound expression as the true nature of ourselves and dance with all life as here as source as one.