Tuesday, April 19, 2011

A report on my recovery from thoughs of self-harming

11:44pm Phew, just finish re-installing my XP this morning. Got virus hampered and as you all/most know setting up an OS is a time consuming jobs, especially need to look up in the webs and try to isolate then solve the problems.

The thoughts on cutting, piercing myself in the eyes cutting myself at least they haven't vividly appeared in my mind and I am keep reminding myself everything is me my body is me and everything in existence is me. The water just boiled and when I hear the tick my mind has the image of want to pour the boiling water on my cheek so this point is not cleared yet. Will write some self-forgiveness on it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear I might go hysteria and pour the boiling water onto my cheek.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to have energy and thinking pouring boiling water is like heavy shower water to make me fresh and make me feeling alive instead of realizing I should use my common sense and protect me realize it will only harm my body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to long for energy that I will use any means possible to get energy not realizing energy is harming the recipient causing suffering and destructing in nature.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think boiling water is just as relief and refreshing as hot bathing water.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think if I cant sustain the more heat and pains I can make myself more attractive as a hero figure.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and want to use self-torture self-pain to make me 'stronger' and can handle the harsh of reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think pouring boiling water self-torturing pain is a way to train myself and make more endurable to the harsh life in reality.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself claiming I need use self-torturing to cure my weakness means I am weak and would be always weak.

Within seeing me want to stimulate me using boiling water to stimulate me on the cheek I stop and breath and remind myself common sense is the key and energy will just like greed and can never be satisfy.

Within seeing me want to self-torture to generate pain to be an heroic figure I stop and breathe and remind myself everything in existence is equal and there is no heroic but self-forgiveness within self-honesty.

so I have sleep for an hour while I was lying on the bed and fall in sleep so quickly.

3:22pm So I can't actually say at this moment I am totally clear of these self-harming thoughts but at least they are not floating/poping out automatically and I am changing myself changing my essence. Some of you might say it's bull shit I don't need to pay or do anything to stop myself I can just stop myself, how I am going to Do/Act out these are just thoughts, I am in control. I would say that is totally ego and we'll see - as Bernard said: The demons will take over the people and Act out and they will seek out all forms of ways to 'repair fix them' until every method fails and they have to try Desteni I process. After threes years of studying Desteni and especially after observing/seeing how the nature disasters have changed this world, compare to three years ago when everything seems normal and nothing has changed/happened but look at what we are having now and it's just the prelude.

I speak some self-forgiveness points when my mom was out inside the house. I feel somooth, comfortable, cleared inside me that I haven't experienced for a long time a little bit of 'highness' feeling but I am working on speaking/writing on self-forgiveness points to do it once and for all. I mean I know there are tons of points about one issue that I can do self-forgiveness on and I resist/don't want to change my old style of living, energy masturbation or even agriness resentments. Yes sometimes it's not sometimes on me I used to have tons of resentments about anyone that treat me viciously or cunningly and I didn't get what it means kept asking why or resent that person as there is nothing I can do but hate hate and hate. Of course I need to walk my way out through self-forgiveness.

Right now, I only know I need to train myself as fast as effective as possible into a TT Software salesperson make a stand got a grip in making money then get back to SRA course(Desteni I Process) as soon as possible - that's the place where you can earn quite a lot of money through doing your process learn how to do it effectively, if it's not money and I lack of faith in I-Process can generate money for me, I wouldn't quit Desteni I-Process a year ago. But of course I don't even have money to pay for my internet and my mom doen't fuikcing care only about her money. I need to find an effective way to make money anyways, can't make money through bloging.

Oh by the way, Bernard said if any of you guys that are 'rich' and have money but don't have time to study Desteni I-Process you can Sponsor some lads on Desteni invest on them and after they have trainees under them, they can stand up and have clients/agents under them, they can sustain themselves. I definitely agree with what Bernard said: If you understand best for all, if you know what Desteni means to the whole word you would already give up your self-interest and support Desteni with everything you have, you don't even need someone to ask/tell you to support Desteni.


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