I wanted to write about this a few days ago, that I was a private forum member and I had some chats with Sunette and Bernard - lol it was very excited when I first chat with Bernard. I asked him what you can give me advice on my process so far - I waited for about 10 mins then he said overzealousness that I realize the point right away that I know he can see everything in me and I missed this point. Same with Sunette that when I asked her why there are blood vessels/veins (I wasn't sure at that moment, just know it was here and something is wrong?) she said it's because I suppress myself want to hide away in front of people(don't know whether it apply me for afraid of people know my secrets) so what I suppress the opposite the blood vessels has uprooted - it's actually even getting worse even after a bit of self-forgiveness that maybe something down to the core has not been totally cleared.
When talking about secrets I want to talk a little bit about masturbation. I mean masturbation is an extremely horrible beast - that if you like me haven't "fallen" yourself you don't know how horrible masturbation can brought you down to. Because whenever one is obsessed into masturbation I just like anyone else looked for excitement and these excitements for the mind means whether you got an excitement a high energy feelings then a few days later when you do/use the same thing to masturbate you get used to it/get bored and would automatically these thoughts would come up and you look for "more" exciting stimulants to stimulate your mind to get the same degree of excitement. it depends on what you use to "turn you on" for instance I am turned on by SM and pornography that when I realize there is a problem that it is already late(if not too late) because whenever I saw or with mothers in the park these sex scenes and thoughts would automatically comes up and you know: fuick! I got to control myself but the problem is the more you masturbate(especially when you don't know the horrible nature of using pictures to masturbate) you more become this "beast". It's like your morphing and morphing but at the same time trying to stop your thoughts but it didn't work.
I mean some might think how dare you talk and broadcast such ideas in public! I would say you don't know what the real world is. The real world is the internet full of all types of pornographies that uncountables of teenagers don't know how to handle masturbation and sex and step by step turning into addicts that can't clear him/herself. Because nobody talked about the seriousness and how concrete the effects of masturbation and Most Importantly! nobody ever comes up with a solution of how to stop themselves! The problems (and I am just talking about pornography here not to mention the super flooding, super typhoons, decrease of food production, tsunami and earth quakes all these natural disasters that are devastatingly up coming soon) these turning teenagers gradually into raptist won't stop just because you hidden it, just because you treat it as taboo and don't talk about it - this is only solution within your mind, it is not common sense. Things will only get bigger and bigger and getting out of control - of course until you yourself become one of those masturbation beast or friends/family you know was abused by a raptist. I mean let's be honest, if in the past when I heard about the word rapist I would got a bit sexually excited that's common sense that's the truth and it's not just me, I presume most of those reading this could have such feelings too, I don't know.
So in short how did I walked my way out, pfffff it was a long way. I first self-forgive myself on what I have done about using and SM stuffs to turned myself on - I mean it's very automatic: if I see someone in the park and I have such orgy thoughts about that girl or child then it is reflecting what I am constructed of and I have a serious problem. Write as much as possible as detail as possible for why I use SM and to get aroused and forgive for energetically raping them - manifesting such violent into their Lifes(if you ask how can that happen are you nuts? I suggest you either: study throughly about Desteni materials interviews they hv explained all these throughly "or" continue being your Mr. Ego and wait for the virus and germs come and delete you from this earth - there is no point for you to continue staying on earth - within equality). Then! I stopped masturbation for 7 months(that's suppression of course but that's a good chance for me to pull back myself and stop what I have already become) and correct me in corrective-application in not using pictures to masturbate. Basically masturbation is energy is feeling - at least to my findings are. Then gradually decreasing the frequency of masturbation per week(of course I got relapse because I haven't solved the core point of I am obsessed into the sex energy feelings). Right now I am using breath orgasm to assist me to distribute the energy through out my body - of course at this moment(and I misunderstood a bit about breath orgasm. I thought I can achieve the same orgasm through distributing the energy evenly inside me but no it is not even an orgasm, it is a release to prevent to go for masturbation again and your body won't feel uneasy because you don't masturbate - this has been quite effective on me that I have like hadn't masturbate for 10 days and I am still ok) .
At first the thoughts still struck me(because I am still that beingness I still have those "essence" contents inside me as me), so whenever I am free I write more Self-forgiveness on what I had done/used and SM to get aroused and it is only a temporary release of the guilt and things like that that had integrated into me - I still need to correct and stop myself in the corrective application in every moment changing me to steer myself pull myself change my direction. So after like I would say 9 months to 1 year or a bit more than that - that I today even walking in parks when I see I won't have thoughts like those that I had before and I substantially don't have fantasy about girls when I see them. It was so horrible that when I have girls walk by me and I would have thoughts you know those orgy thoughts that "automatically" jumps out - the point is anyone everyone will become a rapist through pictorial masturbation that's my findings. It's just nobody is talking it nobody publicly knows how someone can become a rapist or how to cure himself.
Ok, let me save first then come back and continue my realizations. time to walk a bit in the park with my mom.
So I though I was ok without using any pictures just energy to masturbate and I was ok - when I masturbate for like every 2 days and the virus come back into my fingers - a sign of showing me that hey you are jeopardizing our home - the body. However I was obsessed into the sexual energy "feeling" even without pictures and Bernard see this when I ask Andrea about how to do breath orgasm correctly. He first told me if I don't feel a release through distributing the energy then it is cool - means there is no point no energy congeal up inside my body that need to be released. However, instead of working with breath orgasm he suggest me to work on stopping the desire of masturbation and not being controlled by the sex system. I have already explained how shocked I was in realizing that I am controlled by the sex system - it's almost like I was mesmerized by the sex energy and I was worshiping it! totally feeling it as "wonderful" and wanting more and more ignoring everything.
So and of course my starting point is not finding proofs so afterwards I will then believe in Desteni but it's really amazing that Bernard really knows how to "package" the words so you would understand what he suggest to you and you would get the message listen to him and he knows! the total total everything of you, in my case it's me and he can instantly point out where you need to pay attention to and what points you need to work on pay attention on.
I was shocked that my problem on masturbation not only stem from using pictures of beings to masturbate but also I was controlled by masturbation, by sex system. That's why once I re-do masturbation I sort of always wanted to re-do it again and again and "couldn't stop" myself. This time I do it I can get back to myself always reminding me - not to be "controlled" by sex system I live my Life I steer myself I am driving myself not my sex system.
Ok, time to continue some self-forgiveness on Equality.
Self-forgiveness on Equality:
MC - the number of primary pattern point I still need to Self-forgive on: 5 points.
On ID/change my most import primary pattern point on Equality - feeling, L - liveliness.
On Y/N is it referring to me not being excited/liveliness about living in Equality - Y.
On Y/N is liveliness referring to me want to live through energy and ignore Equality - Y.
I forgive myself that I haven't accept and allow myself to become live in equality.
I forgive myself that I haven't accept myself to realize that equality means everyone everything is from the same source from Life, Equality means I don't need to count and calculate for the gain or lose it will strike me/come to me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to run away from equality and want to keep my free-choice.
I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize equality means everyone take turns.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only define myself as energy and ignore equality.
I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself only want to keep live through energy and ignore Equality in everything as we are from the same source.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself wanting to experience energy as living and disregard the physical that was producing energy for me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself just want to experience energy and don't want to take self-responsibility in producing these energy.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be controlled by energy instead of living my Life steering myself to live and experience.
I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize Equality comes with Life-responsibilities that I take turn give and receive - that we all are from the same source as part of Life that the current world way of living is totally atrocities.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Live my life my energy Life only and have totally disregard everything in existence as me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to realize that fun and pain are to be shared within equality and everyone everything in existence should be considered in doing what is best for all.
I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to live Equality design myself based on Equality but wanted to cling on my energy throne and being quiet as long as I can have my energy living.
I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to stand up within existence for Equality but afraid of not existing anymore - not realizing the current existence is foundate on pain, deceiving and sacrificing a handful few has everything while most suffer painfully.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself wanting to keep my energy living and subconsciously wanting others like physical or plants to keep on being deceive.
I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize the number one rule and what cannot be escape is in-Equality Consequence.
On Y/N do I need to be more specific on the point Liveliness? N
Within seeing the pattern I want to consider only for myself I remind myself the number one rule in existence is Equality - that no one can escape in-Equality Consequence.
Within seeing the pattern I want to avoid pain within Equality I remind myself that Equality is doing what is best for all.
Within seeing the pattern I only want to take but do not want to give/produce for others I remind myself there is always Consequences for act or don't act and it is my self-responsibility for taking then giving - I cannot run away from equality, it is self-dishonesty self-deceiving.
On ID/change what to do with liveliness referring to Equality:
(Self-forgiveness, talk with someone, write about it(Y), live liveliness within Equality)
Maybe because I have already done some self-forgiveness on liveliness so it's not needed.
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