A very tough day

11:08 that I have been chatting with Bernard and he has been brutally straight in pointing out what I have been and it hurts and painful to face what I am. He pointed out I am extremely greedy, not willing to give, what else? Ah! Judging a lot, Manipulator -- (dictionary) exploits and control people to suit his own ends. It is so tough to say yes I am that I mean I didn't realize it myself. Most important is he said I am just hiding within trying to help Desteni but just use an excuse to make more money for myself. At this moment I still "hope" I am not that but Bernard is always right for what I have talked to him for two years so far.

So guys, I have to write self-forgiveness to clear myself and what I realize is it is not about pain or about do not want to see myself -- This side of myself. Also! a back-chat/thought auto-talker. The more I spew the more I need to do self-forgiveness until I learned breath and stop start directing myself in problems instead of speaking out worries. I mean I don't see/know how this world works, when I am worry I speak it out, I felt better, I felt relieved. However speaking it out doesn't really help with the situation that is true, I know that. Every word that I speak build part of me. I need to learn "directing myself" in problems.

Extremely greedy:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself only care about my gain in but not willing to give to others.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize it is through my giving that I shall receive.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself always like a business/capitalist and calculate what I will gain and not willing to give more to others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself thinking giving more to others is a waste.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see myself is so stinginess.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself use assisting Desteni financially to hide behind I want to have money buy tickets to SA farm and pay internet.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize giving is also helping others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think helping is bullshit and if I do no get anything in return I am not willing to start giving.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize giving to people that I find worthy that support oneness and equality is assisting myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself wanting to have lots of fountain of money to spend not realizing the consequences and pay back of using money to enslave others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel pain and I am hurting myself for giving my help, paying others, offer my help for free to others that in need.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself when I gain I am happy and greedy want to have as much as possible but when I need to pay I am reluctant to pay a penny.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in extreme greediness that I am not even aware.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself when I need someone's help I approach them as friendly as possible but once they are in troubles or no use to me again I turned my poker face to them, forget and don't care about them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to spike to the person that I need to pay for.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself using I have to reserve my money for excuses and not even giving my help that doesn't not cost any money to others that in need of my help.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to turn my cold shoulder to people that do not pay me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself not willing to spend anything to anyone but wanted to absorb and learn as much as possible from them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself not wanting to spend any of my strength to help anyone or pay anyone to work for me.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize helping others are actually helping myself for they are part of Life as me and I shouldn't feel stinginess about helping people.

Within seeing the pattern I don't want to give but just want to manipulate others for greediness I stop and breath and remind myself it is ok to give others and receive -- Others loot from me are just creating their own future.

Within seeing the pattern I fear I might be tricked or losing effort I stop and breath and remind myself I receive through give we are all from the same source even if people take advantage of me I would find out later.

Within seeing the pattern I want to be greedy in taking people's advantage I stop and breath and remind myself if I take advantage of others I am permitting others to take advantages of myself.

Fear of being rejected:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear of being rejected not realizing I am creating my failure.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself not eager to learn from failures and rejections.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to face failures and imagining and want keeping myself to be perfect not realizing I improve through learning.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rather not doing and postponing instead of directing myself in how to learn.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself because I feel so bad when rejected and I reluctant to face failures, rejects, disappointments instead of directing myself and learn gradually.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see I should put my attention on learning instead of avoiding failure.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize the more I see the more I learn.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think I don't need to learn but I afraid of failure.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself only live in fear of failures and rejected and hence creating my own failures and rejection.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to fully directing myself to learn how to become a real estate agent.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be so so afraid of being rejected and failures that I always picture and project the failure and rejected pictures in my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself so worry about being rejected and annoyed that I only live in fears of failure and rejections.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize fearing is the most wasting my time and effort on earth because I am not living or enjoying while I am fearing.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize I am not free and cannot be free if I am always living in fear and worries.

Within seeing my pattern of do not want to face being annoyed being rejected I stop and breath and remind myself if I don't learn I will never improve.

Within seeing my pattern of want to postponing I stop and breathe and remind myself the most efficient way is to direct myself in handling the situation and learn.