Friday, March 25, 2011

What should I write?

11:00 p.m. Just finish driving some mom's Christian friends who have had stroke, his blood was too thick and a clog got pumped into his head blocking the supply of oxygen and nutrients to the brain cell. He is eighty something when you get old it is a certain fact that things like this will happen onto you. When I was young I though "old" is such an far and distant like far away deep in the galaxy that I might not even visit it in the rest of my Life. Yes, it exists it is there but it's none of my business. When you get older like me then the more you see the more you realize what I would become. It is not a fear or worry it is a fact, so I am spending as every moment as the most meaningful as possible so I won't regret how I spend this Life. (sigh ) haven't write self-forgiveness on what Andrea told me write on. Have been busy each day that -- I am beginning to get tired of opening my emails. Whenever something pops out it means I need to use common sense to find a solution find a way to handle events that has happened.

Chatting with Bernard tomorrow, boy how desperate how so many questions I want to have Bernard's guidance. Business like real estate agents are full of problems and you need to solve every problems efficiently. You have to find the right directions else it would just waste a whole lot of efforts and if you learn through trial and error it would takes much longer period of time and wasting efforts on things that you shouldn't concentrate on.

To me in what I see is I know I am living in oneness and equality but it is not in my essence yet. I need to program myself into instinctively live and act within oneness and equality else after I die there wouldn't be time and space for me to "decide" or force myself into oneness and equality. My oneness and equality is still in the knowledge and information level not at my essence level yet. Bernard said if you die today there is nothing that they can do they can't help you, you have to face the test of desires, personal desires. Desires means you choose your self-interest instead of what is best for all -- including finding a companion. I mean holy god! How would I live without even a little bit of desire? desire is like vacation (currently it is) that even once in a while I would want to experience something you know. yes self-interest is causing disasters all over existence I got that totally agree. If sun, nature, earth have self-interest and as a matter of fact all these earth quakes natural disasters are showing humanity the consequences of when you don't give a damn about anything around you -- They don't give a damn about you. I mean like companion, I really want to experience with some personalities that I like. Is that too much to ask?

Breath by breath I am correcting myself building re-building myself but how do I face this making money dilemma? I am working working learning learning a bit worrying every day then week by week. Working bit by bit and I so much/desperate want to take a vacation, a few days off. I wanted to write something last night but I was resting lying on my bed and I fell asleep. I got no entertainment got no one to share with me -- Totally alone. I was enjoying with my physical (body) and trying to concentrate on/merge with my body. Chatting with Destonians and sleeping becomes my only relax and entertainments.

11:34 pm. Ok, talk to you soon.

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