Sunday, May 24, 2009

Self motivating - Waking Self up inside the Temple

Until last night i didn't realize that whatever i was doing is not Self directed but mind directed. i have been like that but i didn't realize myself. when operated by Self it is totally different, and i don't think i just let Self flow out. also, thoughts become less frequent in picture form showing in my mind. it feels like being a child again. when i was watching the porn animation videos again, i was less reactive when i stick with being Self-Experienced [instead of self experienced through the mind] and stay in my breathe. images become less 'meaningful/hot' as before and then i did find out what i was experiencing was 'second hand' feelings that was pre-programmed to be that way. being to Realize how come children don't feel and [like i was a child too] do not see s** or mastur**** as interested i presume from what i realize is they are operating by Self not through mind As Self. the urge for energetic higher beingness is not Self it is the mind systems through Self. when you push Self[NOT fight against the mind, no Fighting at all, do not Recognize it is More than yourSelf] to Stand Up and Experience and Take your Control back in every moment. i am not totally clear from the mind yet but results are satisfying. so that is the reason why this world is created through the Mind instead of through Self.

It is like why Experience it through the mind as a second hand experience but not Self. mind is an energetic hungry pre-programmed beast that feed itself through s** and mastur****** and look for next Higher level of whatever you are pursuing[sex, torture, explosion, horror, shopping you name it] for the same amount of Energetic Higher Beingness because it get bored whenever it is feed. it is a dead end - no way out road for whoever have experienced that path and use Self Common Sense to Observe and they can find out it is like what i have said above. for example, porns, when you have finished reading it for first or couple of time it's value dropped drastically. the experience of Self is quite different, what Self experience is relatively constant/stable to what it's like/dislike and what i have observe/feel so far it likes Life and maybe happiness but this happiness is not an External Stimulated Energetic Highness and one more thing Self don't operate through Energy so there is no Surges that arouse inside of you and i keeping mySelf up and running[my business] in whatever i do - eating, breathing, walking, watching, reading, typing or speaking. don't leave Home without Self's participation and let Self Directly interact, feel and experience instead of within and as the mind to experience. in that way, operating through mind/thoughts/systems become as expressing and experiencing Directly through as Self. Self Live not through mind self hence live.

My History 1.

My father is a traditional i presume you can call him selfish, only aim for money, s**'s, wine and control of other family members'[almost everyone dislike him] person. he was married before and have a son which is my half-brother divorced. all my father's side relatives has a common characteristics is they like to speak in ways to look you down to make you feel less than them and they hence feel better inside which is very discouraging and pointless way of making themselves comfortable. in what i see is my father won't feel secure and safe until he has something in controlling his surroundings that he's the dominator of the whole scenario in everything especially money else he can't sleep well. in my observation and presume, me and my brother's main purpose of came through him is to dominate my mother so she won't have spare time to social with her friends/leave him since she has children now. grow in such family i learned/downloaded the methods to survive quickly including through manipulating my little brother like lying, deceiving fight for toys resources. in the process gradually i am not mySelf anymore i hide it inside a shell for survive for enjoy as much as i can and take as few whipping punishments as i can or sometimes as Bernard's Mother Fu**** article has mentioned inside i don't react just numb because i can't fight back.

There are numerous times that i told myself how wonderful it would be if i don't have a brother that we always just fight for 'resources' like food and limited toys. i suppressed so much inside me whenever i was punished for unreasonably and being suppressed by my father [he just likes being the dominator figure in the house in every moment] i have told myself numerous times that when i grow up 'then' you all will see for spitefulness/revenge when i become the dominator[i didn't know/'recalled' the truth of Equilibrium at that time and always though what i see/act since i was born is i am a justified person and look for fairness]. so many times i tried not to speak with my family for the spitefulness inside me is so huge that i can 'continue' for maybe 3 days.

My relationship with my half-brother is not well neither. i mean, i cried several times for 'dislike' him for at that time i didn't know all these from Desteni i was only concentrating on how i feel and it doesn't feel good for having someone all of a sudden like when i was thirteen and being told that this so called brother is your half-brother[my father lied this to my mother too until when they have decided to marry 'then' he told her] and i was i like my old family back. it is so horrible that whenever you/i have a common target you/i will form all sorts of alliance - automatically. of course my-half brother was pleasing my father [with his later on having 2 sons and have earned money through gangsters related business - that we only later know when he was murdered]and he enjoys the pulling strings at the back of using both sides to 'show off' between my mom and my half-brother's sides. it was a mess.

I forgive myself that i haven't allowed mySelf to take control of my actions, expressions and just live through my mind to experience as a observer and let the mind/systems takes control and care of my interactions to the world.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed mySelf to hide in wine, being selfish, dominating and control others around me in whatever means possible/can think of to fulfill my own interest and fell secure as what my father has reflected to show me.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed mySelf to enjoy deliberately spitting poisonous words to make people around me shame, angry to look down on them and hence i feel comfortable in this world that if i don't feel happy and i make other people around me unhappy to feel 'more' happy and comfortable inside which as shown by my father side's relatives to reflect me inside.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed mySelf to be spiteful to my family - my father, mother and big and little brother and the my family's relatives blaming them for 'causing' my experience of events caused by/through them that it is the reverse that i/mySelf caused all these to happen through accepting and allowing inside mySelf within to cause the equilibrium to happen and i experience what i accepted and allowed - the consequences.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed mySelf to enjoy being a dominator and can hence throw whatever my uncomfortableness inside and totally exert on another person - another Self.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to enjoy in separation and my own little warm family circle and wanted to exclude my brother out of my life - forever and pretends that all my problems will be solved not realizing it is me that's causing these problems to manifest in my life[s].

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to enjoy dominating others and absolute control and the pursuit of materialism satisfactions outside of mySelf as Life Here.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to form alliances for self interest to fight for common enemy/targets for common interest and manipulating others for domination and self satisfaction that which i fight with my past and generate my future with the same events but not realized that there is no enemy to fight for since every thing in existence is Self part of life.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to play the 'show off' to others or play the manipulating games for controlling people around me as reflected by my father.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to delve into the material outside world through obtaining money even through gansters in ignoring how the public/other selfs will become and the consequences of the gansters' actions but only me and my own self enjoyments not considering life as a principled living motivation as reflected by what my half-brother did.

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