Writing with My Self

Have reading some pages of Bernard's e-book virus free mind, have furthered realize of things like several type of ships and the most important one is the relationship with self. in his example, when we hate our relationship with self because of too much luggage(my realization as expectations/projections) it becomes too much for us to handle. it seems he's speaking common sense here, yet i cannot put in my own words of how exactly it make sense.

what is writing with self? a moment that i just write with my self and no past and no future related/connected and concentrate on Here and the breathe. i still haven't achieved the feelings/ideas flowing out from me inside. what i am doing now is just disconnecting the past and the future for a moment and see what comes up for me to write. it is kind of empty actually |o|. it feels like there is something expanding or floating inside me when are disconnected from the past and future. actually since it is amalgamation of everything, it shouldn't be disconnect which implys of separation, it should be the mergeing of past, present and future into one and you are it. pulling my past, present and future together into one(just like a blender, mixing them all up into one or like a hole in the sink draining the past and the future into one point here, or simply no past no future just Here.), will see what will it be like.

my es**scy system demon has been awaked by the adult s** animation covers and i through it want to read some each day. well it did get me excited for a moment(especially for the first few days for i have been hiding/avoiding to keep contact with these materials for a year) and i merge with the energy and able to dissipate it relatively quick in compare to the past of no way out but to accumulate and compound until exert it through msat******* and energy dissipated to heaven and that's not it, i want more and more and more. however, it is the opposite, the more you do it, the less energetic impulse is dissipated and you almost feel nothing and being Extreme Mechanical/Robotic and you will look for more serve stimulations which becomes a Paradox |o|. it is the reactions, which implys not self-directing, and escastic desires caused by femalic images and postures that is problematic.

Bring your past and future with you into the present which becomes Here. i like the idea of that.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to react and enjoy the energetic surge of eascatic desire when seeing femanic image/expression of also showing energetic serge inside of them.

I forgive myself that i haven't allowed myself to always remember that i am sound expression and all these reactions of desire of s** requires a body to participate which is not real and i am obsessed/reacting to something that is fake/raptalian made.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to abdicate myself to the es**tic experience and pursuit of 'going wild' experience instead of appreciate the stability experience here which i cannot/difficult to experience after death.

I forgive myself that i haven't allowed myself to realize that if i define my sole purpose of pursuit es**tic experience, i am also Enslave and Limited by the es**tic experience that i can' t live without it hence i cannot be free.

I am self-directive.